You Don't Know Me

Everything was becoming a mess now and I knew that it would only be a matter of time before Magnus found out. So the next day, I knew I had to talk to my mother, she was the only one who could talk some sense into me and this whole situation.

After explaining all of it, Jordan, Magnus and Jack, I waited for a response. She was quiet, thinking everything through and I waited patiently, finally she spoke.

"You need to decide if you're ready for something like that. You're young and you have a whole life ahead of you, deciding what you want for your future. You have to decide if you want either of them with you while you figure that out and if so, who exactly fits by your side. Who do you see yourself with in 4 or 5 years, if either of them."

She made a point and I had never thought about it in that way, long term. I sighed before I answered her, "I don't know what I want mom"

"Then you can't string two boys along while you figure it out, especially when both of them are just starting their careers as hockey players" I knew she was right and I was selfish for keeping my secrets as I did.

"I have feelings for them, how do I just let them go?"

She sighed, "Oh honey, I think you just need to come home. Jack is being sentenced there, and maybe being here with us and your friends is something you need"

I hated the thought of just getting up and leaving, especially after everything that has happened with both of them, but as she has been this entire conversation, she was right, distance from them was the only way.

"I'll stay here until Christmas break, or mid December. I'll look for some flights home, if you can help me out"

"You know we will sweetheart"

I fell back on my bed and took a breath, "Thanks mom, I love you"

"I love you too baby, we'll talk again soon, okay?"

I agreed and hung up the phone, still lying on my bed as I tossed the phone to the other side. I pulled my laptop off of my side table and started looking at flights. The earlier the better.

In a month's time I would be going home and hoping that the fresh start I thought I would get here, will finally begin by going back home.

"Hey" Taylor appeared in the doorway with a plate of fettuccine. Seems it's been about 24 hours since I've eaten anything, "You should eat something"

He handed it to me and sat on the edge of the bed, "You talked to mom?"

I nodded, "I think I need to go home. This was supposed to be a fresh start and it seems my troubles followed me here. Home is where I need to be." He looked disappointed but I knew he understood.

"When do you leave?" He asked, "I still have about a month, said I'd stay a bit longer, be home for Christmas"

He nodded, "Awesome, well I'll have to take you out for dinner, just you and me, in the next couple weeks. We have a long home stand coming up so I'll make some reservations"

I smiled, set my plate on the side table and reached up to hug him, "Thank you Taylor. You've been amazing and I've been a handful and I'm so sorry for that" he squeezed me tightly and felt him kiss the side of my head, "You're my little sister, I'd do anything for you"

"Don't blame him" I said pulling back, "He was acting on his feelings, he's a guy. I should have stopped it before it even started"

"We talked this morning" he said, "I'm upset with him but we came to an understanding, for the sake of the team"

I sighed, "You haven't talked to Magnus have you? My phone died and I haven't bothered to charge it"

He shook his head, "But you need to. You need to talk to both of them"

I nodded in agreement, "Yah, it's going to be difficult though"

He shrugged, "Do what you gotta do sis, you'll figure it out, you're strong and smart"

"Thanks Tay"

He looked out the door and saw Jordan pass through the hall before he disappeared into the kitchen, "Can you give us a chance to talk?" I asked, "Maybe hit the gym or something?"

"I have a few things to grab for supper tonight. I'll head out now" he left the room and I listened to him talk to Jordan for a minute and then shut the front door, finally fixed since the Jack incident.

I was nervous and it took me a few minutes to muster up any kind of confidence to face him. It hadn't been long since he found out and he was surely still mad at me.

"Jordan" he was leaning against the island, staring down at his phone. He looked up, reacting to his name and then set his phone down, "What?" His response was cold and bitter, as I expected.

"Can we talk?"

"I guess" I had his full attention now and I honestly had no idea what to say.

I was winging it.

"First of all, I'm sorry. I strung you along and I lied to you to protect myself and because I had no idea what I wanted. I still don't know what I want. I'm confused at having feelings for two people, two people who care a lot about me. I've never experienced anything like this and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. So I have to tell you that in a month I'm going home. I'm letting both you and Magnus figure out your own lives, your careers while I figure out my own life, at home. It's where I belong."

He was quiet after my speech and I waited, running a hand through my hair and keeping my eyes on anything that wasn't him. I finally heard him move and I directed my eyes over to him, he was a bit closer now.

"I'm angry with you, for leading me on and for pulling the wool over my eyes like that but I'm also mad at myself for being so blinded by how I felt about you that I couldn't see it all for myself. He was right under my nose and I couldn't figure it out, like I didn't want to figure it out."

The words stung, but I expected them.

"But I love you and I can't pretend like I don't, even if you don't love me back. I understand that you have to go, but you should know that I don't want you to. I need you here, even if it means we only end up friends. But I want you to be happy, because after everything you have been through, you deserve to be happy"

I wiped my eyes, suddenly realizing that they were brimming with tears. My breath was shaky now and I was frozen in place. He didn't move either and I don't think he knew what to do.

"Are you okay?" He asked, still keeping his distance.

"I should be asking you that" I said, "I'm the one who hurt you"

He swallowed and stayed silent. But I spoke again, "Why are you always so nice suddenly. Where's the Jordan that used to yell at me and call me a whiny bitch? If you're mad at me, you should be yelling at me"

He chuckled a little, but still wouldn't move, like there was a barrier in the middle of the hall between us, "I think we've yelled at each other enough. And as long as I express my anger, I don't need to do it raising my voice."

"I wish you would" I said, "it would make it a lot easier to leave"

"Well I told you I don't want you to go"

"Why? I've lied to you, strung you along. I have a psycho ex and I have no idea how to love someone like you love me, or if I even want to love someone"

"Stay and we can figure it out"

I shook my head, "I can't. I need this Jordan. Maybe I'll come back again, but I need my family right now"

"We are your family"

I stayed quiet, looking into my room, wanting to escape and just lock the door but his eyes were pleading and tired and I couldn't just ignore it. I had to face this.

"Jordan, you can't change my mind. It's been made up. My parents are expecting me in a month. I'm sorry"

He sighed, defeated and looked down at the ground. There was nothing more to say, so I walked closer to him, knocking down the invisible barrier that kept him back and wrapped my arms around his neck. He was surprised but quickly leaned into me, wrapping his arms tightly around my waist.

"I'm not leaving just yet" I told him, "There's still time" I pulled back from him and moved into the living room, "You want to watch a movie?"

He nodded, "That sounds perfect"

"I'll make popcorn"

The night ended with me falling asleep on his lap as the final scenes of The Breakfast Club came up on the screen. It felt right and safe, which I have not felt in a long time.

Am I really supposed to leave?