You Don't Know Me

I couldn't believe it had come. I had spent most of my time with Taylor as it got closer to my flight date. He took me out for dinner and a walk around the city, along with tickets to one more home game before I left. The last few days, Jordan avoided me and I knew why. Magnus had taken me out for a goodbye dinner and a final goodbye.

"I'm not leaving forever you know" I told him as we walked back to the apartment.

"I know" he nodded, nervously shoving his hands into his coat pocket, "But a lot can happen in a short time"

"Like what?"

He shrugged and stayed quiet and that made me nervous. He was indirectly expressing his feelings to me and it was frustrating. I wished there was something I could say or do in return, but there was nothing. I couldn't comfort him in any way, so I didn't reply.

It was quiet as we got to the outside door of the apartment building, "I better say goodbye here or I'll never let you leave" I let out a nervous laugh as I said it but his expression remained neutral. He avoided eye contact.

"Magnus, you'll have to look at me some time. There's something you're dying to say. I can see it"

He shrugged, something he was getting good at, "I just don't want you to go. I wish you'd try and stay and think here"

"You said you understood"

He nodded, "I do it's just--" he stopped and looked across the road and then back at me, "So much can happen and I feel like I'm letting you slip through my fingers. I don't want to lose you because I didn't fight for you"

I stayed quiet and looked down at my feet, hoping the answer lied in the slush and snow beneath my feet, but of of course, there was nothing, "You're not losing me, I'm leaving Magnus. I've chosen this. You can't say that there was something that could be said or done"

"What if I told you that I loved you?"

That stopped me in my tracks.

"Excuse me? We talked and you said you understood, that you knew I needed to do this. Why are you doing this? Why are you all of a sudden telling me this now"

"Because I don't want you to go"

"I'm going" I said, "This is about me Magnus. Not you. Not how you feel about me, how Jordan feels about me or how I have to leave my brother, this is about me. I will hurt you. I will hurt him. That is not something I can deal with because you are both incredible people and I don't deserve either if you and I don't understand why you want me but I can't do this to you"

His pleading eyes turned sad but understanding and it was like something clicked and he finally understood, "I'm sorry."

I placed my hand on his cheek and smiled, "No, I should be sorry. I dragged you into this. So I need you to go out on that ice every day and kick ass. I want you to play your heart out because I know the talent is in there Magnus. You make a difference, so go out and do that for me"

He let out a sigh and grabbed my hand and squeezed it gently in between both of his, "Your time here has been an adventure for me, and I'm going to miss you beyond belief"

"You know I'll miss you too. But you have more important things to worry about" I stood up and kissed his cheek, "Goodbye Magnus"

"Goodbye Julie" my hand slipped away from his and I turned to the door quickly and went in and didn't look back. I couldn't watch him walk away. I felt tears brim in my eyes as I unlocked the door to the apartment. I saw my bags sitting against the wall inside the door. Tomorrow morning I would be on a flight back home. It wasn't sinking in.

The apartment was quiet, even though all three of us were stirring around. I sat at the island, casually scrolling through Facebook and the multiple comments from people excited to see me when I came home. People I probably will never see when I get home.

"I'm going to the gym" Taylor said, "Blow off some steam"

I nodded in response and listened and watched as he gathered his things and left. Jordan didn't join him though, which only meant one thing.

"Julie"

I sighed, turning around to face him. The goodbye I was dreading the most.

Maybe that feeling alone meant something.

"I've been staring at your bags all day" he said, "This is hard to believe"

I nodded, "It's not sinking in"

"It probably won't for a while"

I nodded again, this time not saying anything.

"This is fucking hard" he said, "I never thought I would ever say goodbye to you again. Not after these past couple of months"

"Me either"

"When will you be back?"

I shrugged, "Maybe the summer, to visit, unless Taylor comes home. Or before. Maybe he'll invite us up for a game or two"

He nodded again, avoiding eye contact. His hands were in his pocket, fiddling around with whatever change he had on him.

"I'll miss you" I told him and like it was a cue, he finally met my eyes. My heart raced a little faster and he moved closer, "I'll miss you too" he replied.

"Good" I answered, "Because I'd hit you if you said otherwise"

He laughed and I laughed a bit in response.

"I'll miss that laugh" he said.

"I'll miss yours"

I was getting nervous now as we both got quiet. I didn't know how to tell him goodbye.

"So how do we do this?" he asked.

I shrugged, "I have no idea. I've never done anything like this"

"Me either"

It was silent again but now it felt awkward and I didn't know why. I knew this guy, I was always comfortable with him.

"I don't know what to do Jordan" I said, "I don't know if I can leave. I don't know if I'm strong enough"

He kept his distance at the other side of the kitchen, "You're the strongest person I know. Anybody who was weak would never have made it through what Jack did"

"This is different. I love two guys who love me and I don't know who to choose, or if I should even choose either"

I could tell it hurt, hearing me say I loved Magnus too, but it was true.

"You love both of us?"

"I didn't think it was possible to love two people equally but--"

"It is" he replied, "But I don't believe you're in love with two different people"

"What?"

"There's someone you love, and someone you're in love with."

The thought never occurred to me. I love them both, care about them, but there was more to it. I was in love with one of these guys and not the other but I still didn't know who that was.

"I don't know who that is Jordan..."

"You'll figure it out"

"I wish I didn't have to leave to do that"

He nodded, "Me either"

I swallowed, "I should sleep. I have an early morning. Will you come to the airport?"

"Only if you want me there"

I nodded, "I want you there"

I need you there