To Be Happy Now

He took her to an aquarium.

Alaska hadn't been to an aquarium since she was nine years old and she went with her class in the fourth grade. Austin laughed when he saw her face when she looked up at the large sign.

"Oh, my God," She said, slightly awed. "I love the aquarium."

He grinned. "Well, let's get to it, then!"

They walked in, after Austin paid for their tickets, and Alaska couldn't keep the giddiness away. She always had an interest in the ocean and marine life. It was so fascinating and beautiful to her.

They walked around and looked at all the fishes and jellyfishes and squids and everything that you could possibly imagine. Austin told her funny stories and made her laugh while he could, and it made her really happy. She forgot about all her troubles.

They got to the large shark tank and Alaska turned to Austin and said, "Can we swim with them?"

"Are you mental?!" Austin exclaimed. "Hell no!"

"Come on!" She grabbed his arm and pointed to the sharks happily swimming in the giant tank. "I've always wanted to swim with sharks."

She could also cross it off her bucket list.

Austin gave her a weary look and said, "They can eat you."

Alaska rolled her eyes and said, "Sharks don't eat humans. It's not apart of their diet. But if you provoke them, then yeah, you'll be their dinner."

"I'm going to die," Austin grumbled when Alaska pulled his hand towards the instructor.

He gave them suits to put on Alaska changed out of her clothes and put them on. The guy attached an oxygen tank to her and she put the mask on, waiting for Austin to come out. He was being a baby.

"Austin?" She called out.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," He grumbled.

Before they dove in, Austin slipped his hand in hers and said, "We'll die together if we have to."

She rolled her eyes and said, "One...two...three!" And pulled them both in.

Alaska was awed. She swam around, her hand slipping out of Austin's and a large shark wooshed past her. She almost felt like a kid in a candy store or something. She absolutely loved it. Sharks were scary, but she was too excited to experience fear.

Alaska looked over at Austin and let out a laugh, if it were possible. He looked frightened but he didn't want anyone to see. He did try to swim away from the sharks, but in water, it was harder than it looked.

They swam around for what felt like forever. Alaska touched the sharks so very lightly and she wished she could capture the moment, but she didn't have a waterproof camera on her. All she had was her memory full of everything she had ever been through.

It was suddenly dawning on her how limited her memory was. She was nineteen years old, and maybe, she might reach twenty. But that possibility was at the highest risk of not happening.

All she could do was savor the rest of it.

~

"I never took you as the type to be afraid of sharks." Alaska said, amusedly, when they climbed out of the water and took their suits off, changing back into their dry clothes.

Austin glared, shaking excess water off. "I'm not."

She rolled her eyes. "Sure thing, Austin."

He glared at her again but Alaska wasn't paying any attention. She grabbed her stuff and walked around, looking at all the sea life again.

"You really love this, don't you?" Austin said, observing her.

She gave him a very small smile. "I like all things natural."

"Good thing I brought you here, then." He said with a smile.

Alaska gave him a serious look and she nodded. "Thank you, Austin. It really means a lot that you'd go through this much trouble just to cheer me up. A lot of people don't usually do that."

"You're my friend, Alaska." Austin's eyebrows furrowed.

"You're Ricky's friend. I'm just his little sister." She said, as-a-matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, but I've always had a soft spot for you. I've known you since you were thirteen." He shrugged. "At this point, I can call you my friend."

Alaska's stomach churned and she gave him an uneasy smile that went unnoticed by him.

"What makes you think I want to be your friend?" She asked, causing him to look at her and smirk.

"And why don't you want to be friends with me?"

"Well for one, you're six years my senior. That might scream 'pedophilia' to some people."

Austin rolled his eyes and said, "Good thing you're nineteen then. Come on," He shrugged. "Why wouldn't you want to be my friend?"

"I saw what it did to Ricky when you left. What kind of a 'friend' are you when your job requires you to be away for months on end? It's not like you even want to stay here anyway, so why grow attached?" Alaska didn't even think about the words that came out of her mouth, but she immediately regretted it.

"Wow," Austin said, he kicked the ground. What started as a hearty joke grew very awkward.

Alaska sighed. "I'm sorry. That was uncalled for."

He shook his head. "No, I deserve it. I get where you're coming from." He looked at her and nodded.

"Really?" She was embarrassed now. She couldn't believe she said that.

"Yeah. I just left." Austin shrugged. "Without a word or anything. That is my fault, I get that."

Alaska opened her mouth to apologize umpteen times but Austin cut her off and said, "I just wish people knew what I was going through. How many times has any of Ricky's girlfriends died? How many times has any of your boyfriends died?" Austin's eyes were hard and cold on her and her cheeks flushed bright red. "I've never been in love with anyone except Kat, and she--she left. So, I'm sorry, Alaska, for not being rational about some decisions, but leaving Tempe was definitely a better one. I don't feel so dead inside anymore."

"I'm sorry, Austin." Alaska said, again. "But I'm not the type of person to trust everyone who walks through my door. And I'm sorry for your loss, but it still doesn't change the fact that you left everything behind without a second glance. You had a reason and I see that, but sorry, I still don't like to grow attached."

Austin scoffed. "I see you're a hard one."

"And it's not like we ever had anything going. The only reason why we even speak is because of Ricky."

"Wow, you really don't like me." Austin said, studying her.

She gave him a small smile and replied, "I like you, but I think one of us, if not both, will get hurt someday."

"Look, if it's about the band, I'll be sure to Skype you everyday." Austin joked. Alaska rolled her eyes and said, "I wish it was that easy."

"If Ricky can take me back, then why can't you?" He asked, quietly. She looked at him and he had a serious expression on his face.

"I've taken you back, Austin. I'm just not like Ricky. You're Ricky's best friend--I'm just his sister."

Austin decided to not continue the subject anymore. The rest of the day went by awkwardly. They continued to walk around the aquarium, but neither of them said very much. Alaska mentally punched herself in the face, and on top of that, walking around so much hurt her back.

The drive home was silent. It was obvious Austin was angry, but Alaska had a point: why grow attached? She didn't want any of them to get hurt, but she didn't want him angry at her either.

"I'm sorry." Alaska said when he pulled up in her driveway. "I just ruined this day for you."

They climbed out of the car and even still, Austin walked her to the front door.

Austin gave her the smallest of smiles and said, "No you didn't. I wanted to cheer you up but that obviously didn't happen. Don't blame yourself."

"You're a good guy, Austin." She nodded. "There's no doubt about that. It's just me. I'm not the social butterfly that Ricky is."

"I don't know what you're afraid of." He said, quietly. "I know that I left and stuff, but I'm here now, doesn't that count?"

"There's more to it than you know." Her voice was barely a whisper. Austin looked at her, completely confused but she opened her front door and just barely said a goodbye before she closed it.

Her parents were there and she completely forgot about them coming over for dinner. But her mind wouldn't leave from the subject of Austin. Since when did he ever want to be friends with her? She was nothing to him before. And she didn't want to get too close to him or everything would go so wrong.

As if it already wasn't.