To Be Happy Now

She found the album in his closet while searching for a sweater to wear, because he liked to keep his place colder than Antarctica. It fell out of the top shelf and flipped open to a page with pictures of him and Ricky and him and Kat. It intrigued her.

Alaska sat on the bed and flipped through the album, feeling herself smile. It was such a long time ago that those were taken. Alaska was probably around seventeen years old–that would make Austin twenty-three.

There were tons of pictures of Kat Larson. She was such a gorgeous girl and Austin really loved her. He always said that she was his first love. The fact that she died so suddenly really broke him. It was why he left in the first place.

"Alaska, what is taking so long?" Austin asked, walking into his bedroom. He saw the open photo album in her lap and she looked up at him, an innocent smile on her face.

"It fell open in front of me," she said, in defense.

Austin chuckled and rolled his eyes. He sat down next to her and took the photo album and pointed to the picture of him and Ricky in front of the hands in Tempe.

"We were drunk here and thought it would be cool to take a picture with those stupid hands," Austin explained, laughing. Then, he pointed to the next one, with him and Kat, and said, "She wasn't drunk, but she was still crazy." He laughed. Alaska laughed with him.

Austin turned to the next page and continued to tell her the stories behind all the pictures. They were mostly pictures with Kat, but the way he spoke about her–he truly loved her. Alaska listened intently and laughed when he laughed, even inputting her own comments sometimes. When they got to a picture of them kissing, Alaska fell silent.

"This was the day before she died," Austin said, quietly. "We went to the movies and the lake afterwards."

"Do you miss her?" Alaska asked.

Austin nodded. "Yeah, I do. Her death was so sudden. I remember after we went to the lake that day, I told her how much I loved her and how I never loved anyone else. She just pushed me away and told me how much of a big cheeseball I was–her words, seriously–and when we woke up the next morning, she had to go to school and I told her that I would be waiting with the best date ever," Austin paused. Alaska didn't know what to do–he never spoke about Kat like that before. "I was waiting for hours before I got the call. It was–it was probably the worst day of my life. I've never felt more helpless and devastated. It's the worst feeling in the world."

They were silent. Austin was staring at his lap and Alaska was staring at him. She didn't know what to say or do. She wanted to tell him that that would never happen again–but she didn't know that. Her chances were far bigger than the next girl's.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, resting her chin on his shoulder. "I remember the day she died. I didn't know Kat very well, but the times we talked, she was so nice to me. I don't think I've ever seen you like that before...when she–when she died, I mean. It was like you died with her..."

Austin nodded his head. "I did. That was why I left. That was why I changed. I was dead for the past two years that I've been gone. It wasn't until I came back that I started to feel alive again."

"I'm sorry, Austin," Alaska said, again. "I'm not making this any easier for you."

Austin snapped his head to look at her. She jumped away from surprise and he turned his body to face her, shaking his head. He grabbed her by the arms and said,

"Don't say that."

She sighed. "Austin..."

Austin looked her in the eyes. "You're not going to die, Alaska. I know you can't promise me or anything, but don't you dare even have the least bit of uncertainty that you're gonna lose this fight. I'm not gonna let you give up. You can't give up."

She nodded her head, though she didn't really believe it herself.

"Okay. I won't–I won't give up."

"Good," Austin whispered. He pulled her in and kissed her on the lips. Alaska kissed him back with full force and he pushed her down on the bed. She liked when he did that–kissing her, touching her, doing all these things to make her heart beat at a million miles per hour. She loved that feeling.

One of Austin's hands slipped underneath her shirt and the other entwined with her fingers. He kissed her neck and jawline and almost every single inch of her skin. He tugged at the end of her shirt; his hand reached up to her bra, struggling to unsnap it. Alaska's eyes opened and she pushed Austin away, just before it went any farther than that.

"I'm–I'm sorry," she flushed, embarrassed.

Austin laid on his back beside her and shook his head.

"It's okay."

"I just–I'm not–" Alaska struggled to find the words.

Austin turned to face her and shook his head again and said, "No, Alaska, stop. You don't have to explain yourself. I'm sorry. I took it a little too far."

"One day," she said. "I promise."

Even though she was afraid that any promises made were not legitimate promises she could keep.

Austin chuckled. "Okay."

They were silent. Alaska stared up at the ceiling, berating herself in her mind because of how stupid she felt at that moment. Austin Gibbs wanted to make love to her and she couldn't do it. What was wrong with her?

"Hey," Austin said, after a moment, changing the subject and the mood in the air. "Wanna watch How I Met Your Mother?"

Alaska felt herself grin.

"I would love to."