To Be Happy Now

"You look beautiful," Austin said, in awe, looking her up and down. He noticed that she didn't look as full as she used to–she was pale and delicate–but she was still beautiful nonetheless. Alaska blushed and playfully shoved him.

"Shut up," she mumbled.

Austin grinned and kissed her before he guided her into his car and drove towards the restaurant. They haven't been on an actual date night since Alaska told him she had cancer. Austin thought it would be a good idea to have dinner and just be a normal, cheesy couple.

"I've never been here before," Alaska said, looking up at the restaurant called Kabuki.

"I've been here only once and I liked it," Austin shrugged. He smiled at the waitress and told him his name, party of two, and was led to their table.

They spent ten minutes looking at the menu and ordered their dishes. Alaska felt so glamorous in a place like that. Being a college student, she couldn't afford the best things, but being the girlfriend of a musician had its kicks. Plus, it was nice to be out and about with him.

"What's the occasion for a place like this?" Alaska asked Austin.

He grinned and shrugged. "I thought I'd treat my girlfriend to someplace nice."

"Someplace nice," Alaska repeated, impressed. "I like that. You should do this more often."

Austin laughed. "Anything for you."

Their food was brought over and they talked and laughed with each other. Alaska felt so happy with him. She never expected this at all, especially now. Austin was the perfect rock and he was keeping her sane while she had to deal with the cancer and her father and her brother and school and everything weighing her down.

"What's it like to travel so often?" Alaska asked. Austin was working on new music, so he hasn't toured in a while, but he planned to very soon.

Austin smiled. "It's so much fun. The people you meet, the crowds you play for...it's so surreal, as John would put it. It's the best experience and definitely my favorite part about the whole thing."

"I want to go with you some day," Alaska said. "You know, when school's over and I have time."

"I'd love for you to come with me," Austin grinned.

"Plus, a few places are on my bucket list. Number one being New York City..."

Austin fell silent and Alaska noticed it immediately.

"What?"

"A bucket list?" he repeated.

"I've told you this before," she said. "On our first date. I have a bucket list and I've always had one but now I especially have one."

"Alaska, you're not dying," Austin said, even though taking one look at the girl, he was starting not to believe it.

"I know, but I have cancer. Why are you getting so mad about this?"

"You have such a negative fucking attitude about this whole thing!" Austin exclaimed. "You're acting like you're dying, but you're not dying. You have cancer and you're fighting it. You don't need to fucking do your bucket list now."

"Austin," Alaska said, quietly. She was starting to believe that he was in his own bubble. "I know this sounds negative and horrible and I'm sure I hate it even more than you, but I think that I have every right to have a bucket list."

Austin sighed and sat back in his seat. This dinner was going horribly wrong.

"Yeah, people should have bucket lists, but you're talking like you're gonna die tomorrow."

Alaska clenched her jaw shut. Austin noticed and scoffed, looking away from her.

The waiter came back with their food and they sat and ate in utter silence. It was awkward and Alaska honestly didn't feel like eating anymore. She felt sick, mostly because of what happened. She avoided Austin's eyes the entire night.

Austin paid for the dinner and they left without dessert. The drive home was equally as awkward and quiet, but Austin turned the radio on to fill the void. When they got back to his place, Alaska kicked her shoes off and rummaged through his closet and found old sweatpants and a giant t-shirt to wear, instead of driving home in her own car.

"I thought you'd want to go home," Austin said, leaning against the doorframe as she folded up her dress and took off her jewelry.

"I'd rather be here," she mumbled.

"Really?"

Alaska looked up at him and nodded her head. Austin watched her for a second longer before changing into his own pajamas and crawling into bed next to her. They never slept together, but despite what happened that night, Alaska wanted nothing more than to just be with him. He was still her rock.

"Austin?" she said into the darkness, intertwining their fingers together.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry about tonight."

"Me too."

"Truce?"

"Truce."

Alaska moved her whole body and buried her face in his chest. He pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head. He still couldn't get his mind off the whole thing and the fact that his girlfriend had ovarian cancer, but he liked the feeling of her falling asleep in his arms.

It was momentarily alright.