To Be Happy Now

Austin made it a priority to go to chemotherapy with Alaska, because he wanted to be in full support, one hundred percent of the time. He walked in with her, hand-in-hand, and sat down next to her while the nurse hooked her up.

Alaska glanced around at her friends. They didn't look so good. They all definitely looked sicker, and when Alaska pulled off her wig in the morning to inspect her head, she noticed herself getting sicker, too. She knew that Austin noticed it, because he alway stared longer than necessary.

"How are you two?" Irena asked, keeping the bright smile she always had on her face.

Alaska smiled. "We're good. How have you guys been?"

All three of them mumbled and nodded their heads. Jessika was doing her homework, per usual, Max was falling asleep, and Irena was crocheting. It was all the usual stuff, but there was something obviously off about the whole thing.

"How are you feeling?" Austin asked in a murmur, watching the tubes that were hooked up to her body.

"It's not so bad," she shrugged. "It's usually afterwards that's always the worst."

Austin grimaced. "Really?"

Alaska shrugged again.

"So you've obviously changed," Max said to him, his voice barely hearable.

Austin chuckled. "I took your advice, Max."

"Good. My advice is always good."

Austin laughed and squeezed Alaska's hand again.

Alaska was quiet the entire time. Austin was humming a tune to a new song he wrote and he didn't get it because he didn't know Jessika, Max, and Irena like she did. Her friends were slowly deteriorating in front of her eyes.

At the end of chemo, Alaska hugged them all goodbye and whispered in their ear that they'd better get better. Irena smiled and kissed her cheek. Jessika laughed and said, "Back 'atcha, Alaska!" and Max grinned and said, "I'm Superman."

The effects of the chemo kicked in sooner than she expected, and when they got back to Austin's place, Alaska ran into the bathroom just in time to heave the contents of her stomach. Austin rubbed her back and whispered, "It's okay, Alaska..." and "Shhh..." but he was getting worried.

What Alaska didn't truly realize was that she was deteriorating, too.

She plopped down on the couch, feeling horrible, and groaned.

"Do you need anything? Fuck, I don't know what to get you. Do you need water? Tylenol? Anything?" Austin asked, panicking.

"No," she mumbled.

"Fuck, Alaska, I don't know what to do," Austin knelt down in front of her, fear and panic in his eyes. "You're really fucking scaring me right now."

"Austin," she reached out and touched his cheek. "This is normal."

"Not for me!" he exclaimed, angrily.

"Just hold me," she murmured. The panic was starting to wear off and he nodded his head, kissing her on the forehead. He laid down next to her and held her in his arms. She fell asleep almost instantly, but Austin couldn't even close his eyes. He never really saw Alaska dealing with chemotherapy and the medications and such. He didn't realize that they had that effect on her and it scared him.

Alaska awoke four hours later, in Austin's arms still, and he kissed her again.

"How are you feeling now?"

She shrugged. "Like I usually do after chemo."

"What medication do you need? I can bring it for you."

"No, it's–"

"Alaska, please."

She sighed, and just for him, she said, "Tylenol."

He hopped off the couch and ran towards the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. Alaska rolled her eyes and chuckled. She stood up and walked into the kitchen. Even though she did feel horrible, she loved being treated the way Austin was treating her. He really cared about her.

Austin was rummaging through the medicine cabinet, trying to find the Tylenol. When he found it, he went back out into the living room and said, "Found it! Wait, where'd you go?" he added, when she wasn't in the living room. He went into the kitchen, chuckling, "You're not supposed to move when I'm the one taking care–"

He stopped dead because Alaska was on the floor, unconscious.

+

Alaska awoke in a room full of white and her vision was blurry. She felt plastic when she tried to feel around and even yanked on something, but it was attached to her, and a hand shot out and went,

"Oh no you don't."

"R–Ricky?"

"Hey, Al," her brother said, a smile on his face but his eyes were bloodshot from tears and lack of sleep. "How're you feeling?"

"What happened?" she asked, looking around as her vision cleared up.

"You fainted," Ricky answered. "After chemo yesterday. Austin brought you in."

"Where–?"

"I made him go home. He's been with you the entire time. I think he's coming back now, with Hayley."

"Oh, okay."

"Alaska?" Ricky asked after a moment of silence as she took it all in. She couldn't believe she fainted.

"Yeah?" she asked, in a small voice.

"Are you really okay? Have you talked to Dr. Erskine lately or anything?" Ricky asked, worried. "I mean, I know the doctor said that it's normal and all, but you don't look good. The chemotherapy is supposed to help you."

Alaska nodded. "I know."

"Please, Alaska."

"I know, Ricky."

When Hayley arrived, Ricky left the room. From the window, Alaska saw Austin. He looked terrible. He glanced in the window and gave her the best smile he could muster, but it didn't match his eyes.

"Hey," Hayley said, smiling.

"Hi," Alaska grinned at her best friend.

"You scared us all shitless. I don't think I've ever seen both Ricky and Austin freak out the way they did yesterday. Austin thought you were dead, Ricky was cursing everything that crossed his path...it was bad."

Alaska rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry."

Hayley shrugged. "You're fine now. That's all that matters. Hey, so, I have something to tell you."

"What?" Alaska asked.

"John and I broke up."

"What?!"

Hayley nodded her head. "We just weren't working out. I mean, he's such a great guy and all, but I just don't feel that way for him, you know? Like how you like Austin? Yeah, not me and John."

"It's Ricky, isn't it?" Alaska asked, already knowing.

Hayley opened her mouth, but then nodded her head.

"How did you know?"

"My best friend and my brother. Come on, Hayls. I'm not stupid."

Hayley chuckled. "I don't know how it happened. I mean, we tried before. We went on one date and decided that it wasn't for the best, but now, I just can't stop thinking about him. We've been spending every minute together...because, well, of you."

Alaska smiled. "Well, I hope you're happy, Hayley. And don't worry, if he does anything to hurt you, I can actually wreck havoc, since I live with him and all."

Hayley laughed. "Thanks, Alaska," she nudged her. "I'm glad I can count on you."

Hayley left after five more minutes of them talking and being best friends. Austin came in, only a second later. He looked so tired and worn out. Alaska felt guilty.

"Hi," she said, quietly.

"Hey."

"Austin, I'm so–"

He cut her off by kissing her. He sat down in the seat that both Hayley and Ricky occupied earlier. He looked her straight in the eyes and said, "Don't. Don't be sorry. Don't do anything. I feel like an idiot."

"Why?" Alaska asked, slightly flustered by the kiss.

"I get why you made a bucket list and why you want to do it so badly. I thought you died, Alaska. You collapsed right in front of me and it's because you have ovarian cancer. You deserve to do that bucket list of yours, because Jesus Christ, you might die."

Alaska sat up straighter. Austin took her hand in his and and kissed the back of it. He closed his eyes and sighed.

"Austin?" Alaska was afraid to speak.

Austin opened his eyes and said, "Let's go to New York."