To Be Happy Now

"The chemo is not working," Dr. Erskine said, getting straight to the point. "Now, this isn't necessarily a bad thing, Alaska. It just means we have to explore other options."

Alaska opened her mouth to speak but closed it again. Her parents, who sat one either side of her, gasped and glanced at her.

"There are two options: surgery or we let you become comfortable."

"Comfortable," Alaska repeated. "You mean eventually die."

Dr. Erskine nodded.

"Well, obviously we're gonna do the surgery!" Alaska's mother exclaimed.

"Well, that's for Alaska to decide," Dr. Erskine said. Alaska was staring at her lap, thinking about too many things.

"Alaska?" her father nudged her.

"Oh," Alaska looked up. "Yeah. Sure..."

Dr. Erskine scheduled the surgery for the next Thursday. Her parents got excited because they were sure that the cancer would go into remission after the surgery, but Alaska knew that that wasn't the case. She could die in surgery.

Her parents dropped her off at her apartment. Ricky was home; he was watching the football game.

"Hey!" Ricky exclaimed.

"Hi," Alaska said, sitting down next to him.

"How was it?" he asked.

"I'm getting surgery next Thursday."

Ricky fell silent. Alaska leaned back on the couch. On the way there, she already told Hayley. She didn't want anyone there, in case she didn't make it, but her best friend and her brother would want to. She knew that.

"Have you told Austin?"

She shook her head.

"Alaska," Ricky sighed, sitting up. "I don't know what's going on between you two, but this is serious. You have to tell him."

"I know I do."

She watched the rest of the game with him, without knowing what was going on. Her mind was on everything but the important things–like Austin. She hadn't spoken to Austin in days, despite his little attempts on trying to contact her. He'd call once a day and leave a message that said to call him back.

Alaska finally drove out to Austin's apartment, late at night. She pulled up into his driveway and saw the lights illuminating the windows. When Austin opened the door, he stepped back, shocked.

"Alaska!"

"Hi," she whispered. She stepped inside and he closed the door behind her. He led her inside and they sat on the couch, in his living room. She was glancing around everywhere but him. He was staring right at her, waiting.

"Alaska–" Austin started, but she cut him off.

"I'm not mad at you," she said. "If that's what you're thinking."

"Then what is it?" he asked.

Alaska let out a laugh. "I think it finally actually hit me that I have cancer. I know I can't push anyone away, because I've tried that, and everyone just keeps coming back. But I'm giving you an opportunity to back out now, Austin. You can forget that we existed–"

Austin stared at her, incredulous. "What?! Alaska–"

"You can go back to the life you deserve–you can go back to being happy."

Austin was at a loss for words. Alaska finally got the courage to look him in the eyes and she smiled at him the best she could.

"Do you want to break up?" he asked, quietly.

Alaska didn't answer. She looked down at her lap.

"Alaska, where is this coming from?" His voice was hard. "Why would you even want this for us?"

"The chemotherapy isn't working," she said, at last.

"What?" Austin was caught off guard.

Alaska shrugged. "It's not working so I'm getting surgery next Thursday. Or, I could call Dr. Erskine and tell her to cancel it so I can 'be comfortable'. Either way, I have a very high chance of dying."

She looked at him again. His eyes were wide and his mouth was slightly open.

"Alaska..."

She felt the tears well up in her eyes. She brushed them away and stood up, hoping to leave before she heard him tell her that they couldn't be together anymore. Austin stood up immediately with her.

"Alaska–"

"I'll respect whatever decision you make," she said, crying, running out the door. She heard him just barely call her name, but she didn't want to hear anything. She wanted for the whole thing to be over and she especially wanted Austin there, even if she didn't say it.

She just wanted to be whole again.