To Be Happy Now

She entered the hospital at 5:12am on Thursday and they made her wait. The anticipation grew and grew. Her heart couldn't go back down to normal and every time someone spoke to her, she jumped. Hayley, Ricky, and her parents assured her that everything would be fine and that by the end of the day, she'll come out surgery and cancer-free.

By 8:37, they took her to prep her.

She stood in the bathroom of the room she was in and stared at herself in the mirror. They took of her wig. Tiny wisps of what once was her hair stuck out of her head. Her eyes were sunken in and had dark circles around them. Her cheekbones were hollow. Her skin was colorless.

She sat on the bed and let the nurses do what they had to do. Her thoughts were everywhere. In a few hours, her life would be changed forever. All of her loved ones were in the waiting room, enduring the pain of not knowing what would happen to her.

Austin wasn't there. It broke her heart to not see him chase after her when she left his house the other day. She wanted to be chased after. She wanted him to tell her he loved her. She wanted him to never let her go. She just wanted him.

He called a few times, but he didn't leave any messages. Ricky told her that he went to California with the other boys, but he said he would back by Thursday. She automatically assumed that he was still in California, most likely having the time of his life. Like he should.

"Do you want me to get your family, Alaska?" One of the nurses asked.

Alaska nodded her head.

They all came in together. Hayley sat in her bed with her and held her hand. Ricky stood behind Hayley, placing a hand on her shoulder. Her parents stood at the foot of her bed, her mother crying and her father looking down at his feet.

"You're gonna kick this cancer's butt, okay, Alaska?" Hayley said, sniffling. "You're gonna be fine."

Alaska nodded, but she didn't say anything.

It was time for her to go into surgery. Hayley and Ricky pulled her into a hug and told her that they loved her. Hayley had tears streaming down her face and Ricky guided her out. Alaska's mother took her hands in hers and kissed them.

"You'll be fine," she nodded. "You'll be perfectly fine."

"Mom," Alaska whispered, her voice cracking. "I'm scared."

Her mother started crying even harder. Her father started to pry her away from Alaska, but her grip tightened.

"Mom, don't leave me!" Alaska exclaimed, the tears falling down her face. Her father gave one last look to Alaska and he gave her the best smile he could muster and they left, leaving Alaska crying and in hysterics.

They started to wheel her down to the OR. She was starting to calm down as she closed her eyes and the doctors all around her were prepping themselves for her surgery. Just before they gave her the anesthetic, she whispered to herself,

"Goodbye, Alaska."

+

He burst into the waiting room, his frantic eyes looking around. When he saw them, he ran over, breathless, and he exclaimed, "Where is she? Is she okay? Is she in surgery?"

Ricky stood up and said, "Austin."

Austin was breathing heavily. He wanted to murder John for getting drunk last night, thus delaying their return. He promised he would be there for Alaska. He promised that he would never leave her.

"She's in surgery right now," Ricky said. "She's been in there for about an hour."

"Oh, my God," Austin closed his eyes. He plopped down in the empty seat behind him and pinched the bridge of his nose with this thumb and forefinger. Ricky sat down next to him, but he didn't say a word. They sat in silence.

Austin was scared out of his mind. He thought that by going to California, he could clear his head, but it only made things worse. It made him miss her. It made him realize. It made him feel so stupid. He hated himself for that.

"She's gonna be okay," Ricky muttered.

"You don't know that," Austin snapped.

Hours went by and still, no one had any idea of whether Alaska was doing alright or not. Austin was going frantic by the second. He paced around the entire waiting room. He even went out and bought coffee in hopes that it would ease his nerves, but it only made it worse.

Finally, at 12:53, one of the surgeon's assisting the surgery came out. He pulled down his mask and smiled at them.

"Are you Alaska's family?"

They nodded their heads. Austin stood up immediately and listened closely.

"I'm sorry that we weren't able to inform you of the status of the surgery before. When we got in there, we saw that the cancer was a lot bigger than we originally thought. She's stable right now, but due to the size, we're trying to be extremely careful."

Austin felt his heart drop to his stomach.

"I'll come back in a couple of hours for another update," he said, smiling.

Austin kept hearing Mr. Sumner keep murmuring to his wife, "She'll be fine." He wanted to, so badly, believe that. He wanted her to be okay and for them to be okay. He wanted to tell her his true feelings because in his time in California, he realized it.

He wanted everything to be okay, but he didn't know if it would be. He had absolutely no idea.

Austin felt this surge of anger towards himself. He ran out of the waiting room. Ricky called after him, but he kept running. He got outside. The weather was complying with his mood and it was raining. He looked around; he didn't know what to do. He was in hysterics. He was angry. He slumped against the wall of the building and he started crying.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and Ricky slumped down next to him.

Austin looked up, his eyes bloodshot, and he shook his head.

"I don't know if she's okay," he croaked. "I don't know anything and I don't have a good feeling about this."

Ricky sighed and nodded. The worry for his sister was starting to settle in, just like it had for Hayley, Austin, and his parents.

"I don't either," he said.