To Be Happy Now

"Morning, Al," Ricky greeted when she walked into the kitchen, pajama-clad. He piled scrambled eggs onto her plate.

Alaska stared at it and went, "Since when did you learn how to cook?"

Her brother rolled his eyes and said, "Shut up."

She sank into her seat and took a bite out of the eggs. It was actually rather delicious. She scratched her head and continued to eat while looking through the newspaper. Nothing exciting was happening other than election stuff.

"What the hell?" Alaska said, suddenly. She stared at her hand and locks of her hair was in it.

Ricky looked at her. He furrowed his eyebrows and when she looked at him, she looked horrified. Alaska didn't have much hair to begin with, and it was short, too. Starting the chemotherapy was finally having a physical effect on her.

"It's just the chemo, right?" Ricky said, with a soothing voice. He tried to not sound nervous for her sake, but also for his.

She nodded her head.

"It'll grow back, won't it? Once you get better?" He crossed his arms.

Alaska shrugged. "If I get better."

"Don't say that," Ricky snapped. "You'll get better."

"Ricky," She sighed. She hated getting into touchy subjects with her brother. Their conversations, all through out the nineteen years they've known each other, have been funny or playful. They usually never had serious conversations--especially not about death.

"Stop it, Alaska." Ricky said, angrily. "Don't say another fucking word about it, alright?"

"You have to face it someday," She mumbled.

"I know I do," He agreed. "But I have time to have some damn hope that you, my sister, will be alive in the next six months."

Alaska dropped it. She didn't like the positive approach that he is taking--in the end, he might get more hurt about it, and she didn't want that for him at all.

"I have to go to Max's barbecue," She said, quietly. "Are you coming with me, or no?"

Ricky shook his head. "I've gotta do some work. Remember that mom and dad are coming over for dinner tonight."

She nodded and got up. Tension was in the room and she was glad to leave. She changed into clothes suitable for a barbecue with attendees over the age of fifty (she made sure to wear a hat). She probably would not have gone if it hadn't been for Max's nagging. He really wanted her to come, so she decided she would. Even though both Hayley and Ricky refused the offer to go with her.

Alaska arrived and the 'party' was already in full swing. She was greeted warmheartedly by Max's wife, Ellie, and was ushered outside where the actual barbecue was happening.

She gripped the bottle of water that she had in her hands, and she felt extremely awkward. Looking around, she was probably one of the youngest people there. Max had friends, but he was at least sixty-five years old, so most of his friends at the barbecue were around that age as well.

Alaska sat down in a plastic chair. She knew she looked lonely. Max came over several times and told her to cheer up because he was having a fun time. Irena also arrived, and she was right when she said that the 'party don't start till I walk in' because it seemed that everyone knew her and were excited to see her.

"They're all some really happy old folks," Someone said, causing Alaska to jump.

It was one of Max's sons. He had four of them, and only two were in attendance that day. The eldest, Max Jr., was there with his very pregnant wife, Alisha. The other one was Jamison. He looked the least like his brothers--while they had dark brown hair and brown eyes, he had blond hair and blue eyes (taking after his mother). He was the youngest brother out of the four.

She smiled. "They look so happy."

Jamison looked at her. "You're Alaska?"

She nodded.

"Well, it's very nice to finally meet you," He held his hand out. She shook it and gave him a confused look.

Jamison explained, "My dad gets overly excited when he meets new people. He's been around Jess and Irena for a while, and when you came along, he just wouldn't shut up about you."

Alaska felt a smile grow on her face. She looked at Max who was wearing a ridiculous party hat, laughing with his friends. It was cute.

"He's such a sweet man. I'm glad to have met him." She said.

"Yeah, so, uh," Jamison scratched his head, nervously. "What kind of cancer do you have?"

"Ovarian," Alaska said, for the hundredth time.

"Wow," He looked sympathetic. "How does that work?"

She shrugged. "I just had some abdominal and back pains for a little while and when I went to the doctor, they said that I had ovarian cancer."

"I'm sorry," Jamison said, genuinely. She gave him a small smile.

"I never know what to say when people apologize to me like that," Alaska said. "I mean, saying 'it's okay' is a lie because having cancer isn't okay..."

"Reasonable," Jamison nodded with a laugh. "I wouldn't know either, but I really am sorry. I mean, thinking about losing my dad everyday is the worst thought in the world. Cancer is a bitch."

Alaska looked at Max again.

"Cancer most certainly is a bitch." She agreed. "It's so ridiculous how many people have it--and how many forms there are. I mean, Jessika, a fifteen year old girl has breast cancer..." She trailed off, thinking about the high schooler.

Jamison smiled. "She's a strong girl, if you ask me. She's been battling this thing for a while now."

"Yeah, it's incredible." She nodded. "Irena...also breast cancer. Your dad...lung cancer. I mean, this horrible."

"You shouldn't feel so down about it, Alaska," Jamison said, quietly.

"Why not?" She retorted. "I'm either going to die, or it goes away for a while, and then theres a high chance of it coming back."

Jamison smiled at her. "There's a theory that medicines never work. It's just your brain believing that it works, thus making you better--like a cold or flu or something. They say that if you tell yourself you're going to beat this thing, then you will."

"That's a nice theory," Alaska nodded. "I'm just a realist is all."

"You're one tough cookie," He laughed. "Don't you want to make yourself better for your friends and family? That's what my dad does. He's still alive because he wants to continue living for us."

Alaska pondered. She did want to stay alive, but she didn't want to hurt people even more by creating false hope. It's one reason why she didn't tell Austin about the cancer.

"I guess your dad is just a really strong person, Jamison." She said, with a smile. "Maybe I'll learn to be like that, too."

The rest of the day went on and Alaska sat around, watching the old people mingle. She and Jamison got along really well. She noticed that their conversations kept straying towards Jessika. She wondered if they ever had a thing. Surely, Jamison was eighteen years old while Jess was fifteen, but she couldn't help but think it would be cute.

Alaska left the party, giving Max and Irena gigantic hugs. She got into her car and drove off towards The Coffee Bean, instead of going home. She wanted some alone time with her mind.

As she took small sips from her hazelnut latte, she sat on the couch and kept touching her hair. Small strands were falling out, but it didn't reach the amount that left her head that morning.

It was really starting to hit her that she had cancer. The hair loss was a significant effect.

"Alaska?"

She looked up and her heart jumped. Her eyes widened and she went, "Austin?"

He was wearing a The Maine t-shirt and skinny jeans--a usual attire for him. He was looking down at her, looking concerned. She looked worried and upset when he had walked in.

"Hey, is everything okay?" Austin asked. He was alone, which surprised her. She always saw him with friends.

Alaska nodded. "Yeah..."

"Ricky didn't put Nair in your shampoo or anything, did he?" Austin nodded his head at the hair clutched in her hands.

She let go of it and shook her head. "No...I'm just going bald."

He chuckled. "I doubt it. Girls always freak out over their hair."

Oh, how he knew...

"No, but you really do look distressed." Austin said, observing. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Alaska looked at him and said, "My day could be better..."

"Well!" He lent his hand to her. She looked at it, and then back at him, and back at the hand again. Austin rolled his eyes and said, "Come on. I can attempt to make your day better."

Alaska stared at his hand. It could get her mind off of things, to go with him wherever they went.

She shrugged and then took it.