Vengeful and Accused

[[ inspiration song: Bon Iver - Calgary ]]

Do you ever have that moment where you are sitting in complete silence with someone and that someone looks peaceful as ever while you sit in fear of the next question that comes out of their mouth? That’s how Zane was making me feel. Every once in awhile he would glance over at me, grin, get a considerate look on his face, and then look away. And each time I tensed up, waiting for him to make some assumption about my identity. I was starting to think he was doing it on purpose.

He glanced over at me, opened his mouth and then looked away, shaking his head.

“What?” I finally snapped, getting sick of his little game.

“See? You’re guilty of something; otherwise I wouldn’t be making you so nervous. What is it? Robbery? Grand theft auto? Are you on the run from some big bad gang?” He said, asking the last question in a mock ominous voice. He looked away from me with a chuckle. “Of course, you wouldn’t tell me if any of that were true would you?”

“I’m not guilty of anything.” Lie. “I’m just sick of you looking at me with that stupid look on your face. If you have something on your mind, then tell me.”

“What’s that scar on your arm from?” Zane asked, pointing to the scar I had gotten from being grazed by a bullet. It had happened the night I had gone with Vaughn to Semyon’s formal gala event, when Semyon had tried to have me shot. I covered the scar with my hand.

“It’s nothing, happened a long time ago when I was working on a car.” Another lie.

“Sure,” Zane said, I could hear the disbelief in his voice. This little shit head was starting to get on my nerves. “Have you ever thought of dying your hair blonde? You have beautiful blue eyes, you’d look gorgeous.”

I just stared at Zane in disbelief. “Something is seriously wrong with you Zane, I don’t know if you’re trying to hit on me, but you’re just creeping me out, so quit,” I ordered.

Zane just chuckled and continued driving.

“My place is right there,” I said, regretting that I had snapped at him.

Zane pulled over and looked out the window at the large warehouse Vaughn had first owned; now I lived there. “Nice place, very feminine,” Zane noted, with sarcasm distinct in his voice.

“Why don’t you go drive off a cliff Zane,” I spat. It slipped out before I could even think about it, I just couldn’t help it, there were just certain things I just couldn’t stand people picking on. My home was one of them.

“Oooh, I hit a nerve I see,” he said, grinning. I should have let the cops catch me.
“Fuck off,” I muttered. His engine revved and he was suddenly gone, I breathed a sigh of relief and pulled out my keys to unlock my door. Glory was inside waiting for me, he had gotten older but he still pounced on me every time I came home. “Hey there, you miss me?” I asked, setting my bag on the kitchen counter and filling his empty water bowl up. I went upstairs to the loft and tucked my winnings from tonight in my safe and slumped down on my bed. I smiled as I remembered waking up here with my first hangover, it had been awful but Vaughn had taken care of me. I was always being taken care of back then. I always had someone to take the blame, always had someone to protect me, always had someone to make the sacrifice instead of me.

No. I couldn’t get consumed by these thoughts again. I stood up and paced for awhile, trying to think of anything other than how useless I used to be. My eyes landed on my dance bag, I rarely opened it anymore. I had thought separating myself completely from who I used to be would help. But there was something about dancing that could calm me no matter what, make me forget about how terrible my life had become, all the people I had lost. Right now, I needed to forget.

I striped down and pulled on a old pair of black tights and a wispy dress I found in the bottom of my bag. The shoes were the last thing. Glory was on the verge of passing out on the couch when I went back downstairs. The whole floor was pretty much empty, it was smooth cement but it would have to do. I hit play on the radio I had set up in the kitchen, I didn’t listen to music much, but I needed it to dance. I let the song sink into me as I tied my point shoes and stretched. And then, I danced.

I didn’t think about what movement would come next, I didn’t bother keep with the proper positions, I didn’t worry if I used the wrong leg or didn’t keep my angles constant. I just danced. And it was wonderful. I kept my eyes closed, throwing myself into the moves and letting the beat take over my body. I spun around and around, lifting my hands up as I did, a small laugh slipping from my lips.

You could say I let all of my inhibitions go. I didn’t hide my emotions, and I didn’t have to worry about being seen. There were so many things I didn’t have to do, so many things that I let go of just for that moment of peace. I began to sing along with the song, my voice breathless and quiet, and my movements slowed as exhaustion finally took over and I was left covered in a thin layer of sweat. Oddly enough, I was in a peaceful sate of sadness as the song came to an end and I was left standing in the middle of the room with my eyes closed and my breathing coming in quick breaths.

“I thought you had quit dancing.” The voice was soft, unthreatening, but the memories that it brought back cut deep. I opened my eyes and glanced at Glory who was sitting beside him as if he were a long lost friend. Glory was, at times, not the best guard dog.

“I told you to quit bothering me Stephen,” I said coldly. It had been a month since Stephen had come to speak to me, he had taken to breaking in since I wouldn’t open the door for him.

“I was hoping you would change your mind,” Stephen said sadly. I just shook my head; I didn’t want to talk to him.
“Why can’t you just let it go? I heard you went street racing tonight, almost got caught by the cops am I right?” Did I mention Stephen has this mystery person babysitting me? Suddenly I thought of Zane, was he the person Stephen had following me around?

“I have to make money somehow,” I muttered, shoving any thoughts of Zane out of my mind.

“What about dancing? You could become a performer, or an instructor. You used to tell Mr. Delmonte about how much you wanted to teach children how to do ballet. And now you run around in Vaughn’s shoes, acting like him, picking up his habits. You’re going to get hurt.” Stephen knew he had hit home with his words. He used to talk to me sweetly, try and coax me out of my behavior. Lately he just told me bluntly that he thought I was being an idiot.

“I don’t care.”

“Vaughn would,” Stephen said, “I do,” he added, his voice barely a whisper.

“Please leave Stephen,” I said calmly, even though I was raging on the inside.

“Elisabeth, he’s looking for you, there is a bounty out to anyone who can bring you to him alive.”

“Well, at least I don’t have to worry about a bunch of bounty hunters trying to kill me, most of those idiots couldn’t figure out left from right anyways.” This whole ‘bounty’ thing was news to me. Sure, I had pulled a few stunts on Semyon’s business, running ‘delivery’ trucks off the road, messing with their motors, sending cops to the drop of points. But I hadn’t thought Semyon would peg me as the culprit.

“Your stupid little pranks aren’t worth it, when Semyon finds you, he plans on killing you. He barely tells me anything these days, but I know that for sure. He hasn’t told me it outright, but he has been talking about cleaning up some loose ends from a few years ago. That’s you.” Stephen’s words were spoken with a sincerity even I couldn’t question.

“What’s the bounty?” I asked.

“Not much, just a few thousand, he seems to be busy with other things at the moment so he doesn’t want to deal with you now. He’s depending mainly on his thugs to find you, not someone who might accidentally kill you.”

“Then I’ll just have to be careful, no talking to strangers and all that nonsense.”

“Elisabeth-” Stephen started, taking a step closer to me.

“Can you quit calling me that?” I snapped, turning on him and shoving him back. “You keep enough tabs on me to know that I have a new name.”

“A new name you use to hide from memories more than you use it to hide from Semyon,” Stephen snapped back, throwing all of his careful words out the window. I flinched from the truth he spoke.

“If he’s still looking for Elisabeth Jezeste De Maur then I’m fine.” My voice was void of any emotion.

“What makes you think he won’t try and look for you here Fiona?” He said my name as if he were mocking me, and he was.

“Because, I’d be an idiot to hide in the most obvious place,” I muttered, grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge.

“Please Elisabeth, I can help you find somewhere far from here so that he won’t be able to find you-”

“Oh, because running away from him worked out wonderfully the first time right?” I snapped, cutting him off. “I can’t just keep running Stephen, I’m stronger now. I can take care of myself”

“But-”

“Just forget about me Stephen! You can’t change my mind, and you won’t help me. Go find someone else to bother; I never want to see you again!” I yelled, startling him. I felt the mask I had been wearing break and all of my emotions were broadcasted clearly on my face. The heartbreak, the loss, the denial, the guilt, the fear. Everything. I slumped down to the floor and leaned my head against the kitchen cabinets as my eyes watered up. “Why won’t you just leave me alone, you always bring back memories, you always remind me of him,” my voice sounded pitiful, it was thick with tears and a hopeless sadness.

“I could never forget about you Elisabeth, you may want to forget me, but I could never forget you,” he said, kneeling down next to me and pressing a gentle kiss to my forehead. And then he was back on his feet and gone.