Scream to be Heard

I woke up to the sun shining in my face. A breeze hit my chest and I realized I wasn’t wearing any clothes. I racked my brain for memory, and then it hit me, I had sex with Alex last night. I lost my virginity, to Alex Gaskarth. A wave of confusion passed over me. Did I really just do that? I pulled the sheets around me and looked over at Alex who was sleeping soundly with his mouth hung slightly open.

I just lost my virginity to one of my best friends…. “Holy fucking shit!” I screeched out grabbing my hair with my hands. I then covered my mouth as Alex stirred in his sleep. I started to hyperventilate. I reached out to the floor and picked up my hoodie which I had discarded and yanked open a packet of fruit snacks I brought with me in case my blood sugar got low. I popped a few into my mouth and chewed rapidly. My breathing slowly calmed down and I really wished Alex would wake up so we could talk about this.

My head was pounding and I could feel the hangover slowly hitting me. I laid back down in the unfamiliar bed and turned to face Alex. His eyes slowly parted open. He smiled.

“Morning sunshine.” He croaked, groggy from sleep.

“Hi.” I managed to utter out despite my nervousness. Thoughts ran through my mind, such as “you were the next one on his list” or “Well, it was fun while it lasted”. I didn’t want to be used again, but I had a feeling I had been. Alex’s eyes waited for me to say something else. He pushed a strand of my hair back with his finger.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“N-nothing.” I sat up and began to search for my clothes. I wrapped the sheet around me so he couldn’t see my naked body in the light. I shakily slid up my underwear and put my bra back on.

“Lauren?” Alex asked again, sitting up. “What’s your problem?”

I released the sheet and grasped my jeans in my hands. “That shouldn’t have happened last night.” I said and zipped my jeans. Alex’s face dropped.

“Why not?” He asked sounding defeated. I pulled my shirt over my head and grasped my arms tightly around myself. I felt completely exposed, even though I was now clothed.

“Because…” I paused, “Because…I don’t know..” I struggled to find my words, “Because I’m scared.”

Alex’s boxers were already on and his abs exposed. And damn, I didn’t realize how ripped he really was. He got up and walked over to me. His hands cupped my face and he searched my eyes. “Why?”

“Everyone I’ve gotten close to, has left me.” I said. “And I don’t know if I can trust you.” I said. His hands dropped.

“Why not?” He sounded a little annoyed. I opened my mouth, and then shut it.

“I know how you are. I’ve known you forever.” I looked at his feet, because I didn’t want to look at his eyes. “I don’t want to be the next girl on your list… I have a feeling I just did though.” I muttered the last part.

Alex rolled his eyes. “Are you serious?!” He half yelled. He walked over to the other side of the bed and picked up his jeans and shook them out.

“What?” I yelled back.

“Lauren! When are you going to get it through your thick skull, that I like you! Really, really, really, like you! Like a lot!” He grumbled jumping up and down to get in his jeans. “Why won’t you just give me a fucking chance to prove it? Instead your all, “I’m scared, I don’t want to be the next girl on your list”. God, Lauren…Grow up!” He seethed and slipped on his shirt. Then he briskly walked to the door and slammed it shut behind him.

I stood next to the bed stunned and confused about what had just happened. I knew he was right… but I didn’t want to admit that. I shrugged my hoodie on and pulled out my phone.

“Kara?” I felt tears threatening my eyes.

“What’s up?” She asked, sounding like she had just gotten up.

“Can you come pick me up?” I sniffed wiping my eyes with my hands.