My Understandings
03
It was cold outside as we made it towards the east coast, my hoodie not enough for this cold weather. I shivered as I smoked outside the bus, zipping up the thin sweatshirt, and pulling up the hood. It was early yet, I hadn't seen barely anyone. By the time I stopped shivering from the cold, I couldn't tell where the cigarette smoke ended and my breath began on the exhale. With a final shudder, I stubbed out my cigarette, excited to be going back on the nice warm bus. As I turned to go, walking down the narrow alley to get to the door, I looked beyond to the other buses. I noticed a familiar soul, someone I had known for years. "Zack?" I said out loud. He turned, noticing who I was, as I walked the length of the alleyway. He waited for me, lighting up a smoke, his own jacket close to his body.
"Jessi, yeah?" he asked and I nodded. He leaned against the front of the bus, and I joined him. I looked beyond, purposely not looking at him. He had always been my favorite, and even now, I couldn't change that. "So how goes it?" he asked me, and I shrugged, not sure if he was looking at me.
"Bored, completely." I said and he laughed.
"Tour does that to you. Gotta find shit to do." He said, and I looked over to him. He was looking beyond, inhaling. I stared at him for a moment before looking away again. "We write, dick around, you know." He said and I shrugged again.
"I've got no musical talent like the rest of you's." I said and he chuckled to himself.
"Buy a game system." He said and I smiled, looking over to him again. "Or talk to Arin. He seems to talk about you enough." He said and I laughed nervously. I could feel the warmth in my cheeks from blushing.
"You guys need to stop with that shit." I said and he shrugged.
"Nothing but the truth." He said and I sighed. I didn't want to hear that Arin Ilejay had spoken about me, nonetheless from the mouth of Zacky Vengeance. He finished his cigarette, bringing his jacket around him again. "You should talk to him." He said, smiling at me.
"I have been?" I said, confused by his statement. Granted, I hadn't heard anything from Arin in days. After the night we spent together, I hadn't seen him, nor heard word after many attempts. "It's not my fault he won't talk to me." I said and his brows rose high. I didn't want to be spilling my relationship problems on him. I shrugged, not wanting to continue the conversation.
"Make him talk to you." He said, laughing to himself.
"Easier said then done." I mumbled to myself, but he was close enough to hear.
"Okay, come on." He said, being fed up by my pessimistic attitude towards the situation. He began to walk towards the door to the bus, punching in the key code.
"Zee, no." I said, out of habit of calling him ZeeVee all these years. He stopped for a moment, looking at me with a weird face, but continued anyway. He opened the door, stepping on the first step, holding it open for me. "Is this even your bus?" I said to him but followed.
"No, it's Arin's, Johnny's, and Dan's, but that's okay." He said, walking up the few steps and into the front lounge.
"Why do you always just fucking walk on here?!" I heard someone say as I walked up the steps behind him, seeing their bodyguard sitting in the front, eating a bowl of cereal and watching television. He looked at Zacky, then to me, barely noticing my existence.
"I pay for it." Zacky said, sitting down next to him. "Where's Arin?" he asked his friend as I stood there in the doorway. Dan motioned with his spoon towards the back. Zacky looked at me, raising his brows, motioning for me to go back there. I groaned out loud, earning looks from the both of them, but listened anyway.
The door was shut, and I knocked lightly, knowing the two men in the front had their eyes trained on my back. The door in front of me opened, revealing a sleepy eyed Arin. I smiled at him, internally awing in my head at the look on his face. He scratched his head, nodding to me. He didn't smile; the look on his face was annoyance. "Well, hello." I said to him and he moved back from the door, letting me come in. I shut the door behind me, knowing that both Zacky and Dan were staring, waiting to see what would happen next. He sat down on the couch, shutting off the television he was probably just watching. He wasn't looking at me, purposefully. "What the hell is up with you?" I blurted after a few minutes of the awkward silence.
"What's wrong with me?" he asked, finally looking at me. I raised my brows, nodding. "I'm not the one leading you on." He said and I stared at him. "Don't be fucking around if you're with someone else, much less the band you're working for." He finished, crossing his arms across his chest. I was confused, completely and utterly.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked him. He shook his head.
"Don't play dumb." He said and I closed my eyes.
"No, really. What are you talking about? I'm not with anyone in Hollywood Undead, nor have I ever been." I said and opened my eyes. He still had his look of annoyance and anger written on his face.
"Then what was that public display of affection in the venue the other day? The day after you stayed over?" he asked and I cocked my head to the side. I replayed the last few days in my head, remembering the hug Jorel had given me the day he was speaking of. The only day he had come out in public to see me.
"I was just giving Jorel a hug, more or less, he was giving me one. He's still my friend." I said and he uncrossed his arms.
"He looked a little close for comfort to be just a friend." He said and I looked at him.
"What would it matter?" I asked, curious as to why he would get upset by a simple hug. He began to get flustered, running a hand through his multicolored hair.
"Don't fuck with me." He said after a few minutes.
"Yeah, I'm fucking with you, Arin Ilejay. That's exactly my motives." I said, sarcasm dripping from every word. "Why in God's name would I do that?" I said and he shrugged.
"A lot of people do now." He said and I sighed. I shook my head.
"I would never. You have no idea how much I love this band, and Hollywood Undead, I would never do a thing like that." I said, completely appalled he could think I would do that. "You don't understand." I said and shook my head. "The complexity of this situation is beyond me. Everything. For years, I waited out in the freezing cold, the rain, desperate heat, to meet these people, to see them, talk to them, for a moment, and now I can. I just had a conversation with Zack, and it's just baffling. I have the opportunity to see these men every night, hang out with them, let them know how much I care about them, everything. Why would I fuck this up? Why would I fuck anything with you up?" I said, putting my head in my hands. I could feel tears coming on from the sheer emotion of me speaking this out loud. I was so lucky, I was so happy with my life right now. "Anything I've ever had with these men is coming full circle now, and there is no way in hell I'd do anything to jeopardize it. There's no way in hell I'd do anything to hurt you, hurt what we have. I lay in my bunk at night, replaying the days, thinking of how lucky I am, how fucking fortunate I am to have this before me." I said and felt the tears fall on the floor. I wiped them away desperately, looking back up to Arin. "I just… I would never…" I said, searching for words. He leaned forward, a smile coming on his face, taking my hands in his. He brought them to his face, kissing my knuckles.
"I believe you." He whispered against my fingers. I smiled at him, bringing our hands down, leaning towards him. He smiled bigger, coming closer to me, and I put my forehead against his.
"I was hoping you would." I whispered, bringing my lips to his, my hands finding their way to his face, the remnants of my tears sliding down my face as I smiled.
I walked back onto my bus, in search of just one person. I found him, sitting in the back lounge, playing with his laptop. "Jorel." I said his name and he looked up, smiling immediately.
"Where have you been? Woke up and you were gone." He said and I raised my brows at him.
"What are you playing at?" I asked him and his face turned into confusion.
"What?" he asked me and I crossed my arms.
"The whole Arin bit." I said and he was still confused. I let him think back, remember what he'd done. He started to laugh to himself.
"Oh, that." He said, waving it away like it meant nothing.
"You knew he was looking at us, you knew he'd be watching. Why are you trying to fuck up something good I have?" I asked him and he shrugged, shutting his laptop. He stood up, walking closer to me.
"You want me to tell you the truth?" he said and I nodded. He smiled to himself, sadistic. "You can't handle this. I've seen numerous girls crumble under this shit. Granted, you've been able to tour for the past month, but it'll break you. Being with Arin, anyone would fuck you up. You have no idea how things run out here." He said and I started to laugh. "Arin's not right for you; he's just some upstart who'll get throw to the wayside in a few years. You don't want him anyway." He said, coming closer to me still. I tried to back up but walked right into the door frame, and before I could move out of it, he was right in front of me.
"And who do I want? You?" I asked, in complete and utter disbelief. He would never, as long as I knew Jorel, he wouldn't. He smiled to himself, taking his hands and putting them on my face.
"Don't think about it." He whispered, bringing his lips to mine, trying to kiss me. I stood there; my eyes open as his closed, trying to push him away. He held my head, dragging me along with him, still trying to get me to respond to him. I closed my eyes, imagining something else, imagining that this wasn't Jorel Decker trying to kiss me. He finally broke away, staring into my eyes. He smiled anyway. "You'll come around." He said, letting me go, and walking away from me.
"Jessi, yeah?" he asked and I nodded. He leaned against the front of the bus, and I joined him. I looked beyond, purposely not looking at him. He had always been my favorite, and even now, I couldn't change that. "So how goes it?" he asked me, and I shrugged, not sure if he was looking at me.
"Bored, completely." I said and he laughed.
"Tour does that to you. Gotta find shit to do." He said, and I looked over to him. He was looking beyond, inhaling. I stared at him for a moment before looking away again. "We write, dick around, you know." He said and I shrugged again.
"I've got no musical talent like the rest of you's." I said and he chuckled to himself.
"Buy a game system." He said and I smiled, looking over to him again. "Or talk to Arin. He seems to talk about you enough." He said and I laughed nervously. I could feel the warmth in my cheeks from blushing.
"You guys need to stop with that shit." I said and he shrugged.
"Nothing but the truth." He said and I sighed. I didn't want to hear that Arin Ilejay had spoken about me, nonetheless from the mouth of Zacky Vengeance. He finished his cigarette, bringing his jacket around him again. "You should talk to him." He said, smiling at me.
"I have been?" I said, confused by his statement. Granted, I hadn't heard anything from Arin in days. After the night we spent together, I hadn't seen him, nor heard word after many attempts. "It's not my fault he won't talk to me." I said and his brows rose high. I didn't want to be spilling my relationship problems on him. I shrugged, not wanting to continue the conversation.
"Make him talk to you." He said, laughing to himself.
"Easier said then done." I mumbled to myself, but he was close enough to hear.
"Okay, come on." He said, being fed up by my pessimistic attitude towards the situation. He began to walk towards the door to the bus, punching in the key code.
"Zee, no." I said, out of habit of calling him ZeeVee all these years. He stopped for a moment, looking at me with a weird face, but continued anyway. He opened the door, stepping on the first step, holding it open for me. "Is this even your bus?" I said to him but followed.
"No, it's Arin's, Johnny's, and Dan's, but that's okay." He said, walking up the few steps and into the front lounge.
"Why do you always just fucking walk on here?!" I heard someone say as I walked up the steps behind him, seeing their bodyguard sitting in the front, eating a bowl of cereal and watching television. He looked at Zacky, then to me, barely noticing my existence.
"I pay for it." Zacky said, sitting down next to him. "Where's Arin?" he asked his friend as I stood there in the doorway. Dan motioned with his spoon towards the back. Zacky looked at me, raising his brows, motioning for me to go back there. I groaned out loud, earning looks from the both of them, but listened anyway.
The door was shut, and I knocked lightly, knowing the two men in the front had their eyes trained on my back. The door in front of me opened, revealing a sleepy eyed Arin. I smiled at him, internally awing in my head at the look on his face. He scratched his head, nodding to me. He didn't smile; the look on his face was annoyance. "Well, hello." I said to him and he moved back from the door, letting me come in. I shut the door behind me, knowing that both Zacky and Dan were staring, waiting to see what would happen next. He sat down on the couch, shutting off the television he was probably just watching. He wasn't looking at me, purposefully. "What the hell is up with you?" I blurted after a few minutes of the awkward silence.
"What's wrong with me?" he asked, finally looking at me. I raised my brows, nodding. "I'm not the one leading you on." He said and I stared at him. "Don't be fucking around if you're with someone else, much less the band you're working for." He finished, crossing his arms across his chest. I was confused, completely and utterly.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked him. He shook his head.
"Don't play dumb." He said and I closed my eyes.
"No, really. What are you talking about? I'm not with anyone in Hollywood Undead, nor have I ever been." I said and opened my eyes. He still had his look of annoyance and anger written on his face.
"Then what was that public display of affection in the venue the other day? The day after you stayed over?" he asked and I cocked my head to the side. I replayed the last few days in my head, remembering the hug Jorel had given me the day he was speaking of. The only day he had come out in public to see me.
"I was just giving Jorel a hug, more or less, he was giving me one. He's still my friend." I said and he uncrossed his arms.
"He looked a little close for comfort to be just a friend." He said and I looked at him.
"What would it matter?" I asked, curious as to why he would get upset by a simple hug. He began to get flustered, running a hand through his multicolored hair.
"Don't fuck with me." He said after a few minutes.
"Yeah, I'm fucking with you, Arin Ilejay. That's exactly my motives." I said, sarcasm dripping from every word. "Why in God's name would I do that?" I said and he shrugged.
"A lot of people do now." He said and I sighed. I shook my head.
"I would never. You have no idea how much I love this band, and Hollywood Undead, I would never do a thing like that." I said, completely appalled he could think I would do that. "You don't understand." I said and shook my head. "The complexity of this situation is beyond me. Everything. For years, I waited out in the freezing cold, the rain, desperate heat, to meet these people, to see them, talk to them, for a moment, and now I can. I just had a conversation with Zack, and it's just baffling. I have the opportunity to see these men every night, hang out with them, let them know how much I care about them, everything. Why would I fuck this up? Why would I fuck anything with you up?" I said, putting my head in my hands. I could feel tears coming on from the sheer emotion of me speaking this out loud. I was so lucky, I was so happy with my life right now. "Anything I've ever had with these men is coming full circle now, and there is no way in hell I'd do anything to jeopardize it. There's no way in hell I'd do anything to hurt you, hurt what we have. I lay in my bunk at night, replaying the days, thinking of how lucky I am, how fucking fortunate I am to have this before me." I said and felt the tears fall on the floor. I wiped them away desperately, looking back up to Arin. "I just… I would never…" I said, searching for words. He leaned forward, a smile coming on his face, taking my hands in his. He brought them to his face, kissing my knuckles.
"I believe you." He whispered against my fingers. I smiled at him, bringing our hands down, leaning towards him. He smiled bigger, coming closer to me, and I put my forehead against his.
"I was hoping you would." I whispered, bringing my lips to his, my hands finding their way to his face, the remnants of my tears sliding down my face as I smiled.
I walked back onto my bus, in search of just one person. I found him, sitting in the back lounge, playing with his laptop. "Jorel." I said his name and he looked up, smiling immediately.
"Where have you been? Woke up and you were gone." He said and I raised my brows at him.
"What are you playing at?" I asked him and his face turned into confusion.
"What?" he asked me and I crossed my arms.
"The whole Arin bit." I said and he was still confused. I let him think back, remember what he'd done. He started to laugh to himself.
"Oh, that." He said, waving it away like it meant nothing.
"You knew he was looking at us, you knew he'd be watching. Why are you trying to fuck up something good I have?" I asked him and he shrugged, shutting his laptop. He stood up, walking closer to me.
"You want me to tell you the truth?" he said and I nodded. He smiled to himself, sadistic. "You can't handle this. I've seen numerous girls crumble under this shit. Granted, you've been able to tour for the past month, but it'll break you. Being with Arin, anyone would fuck you up. You have no idea how things run out here." He said and I started to laugh. "Arin's not right for you; he's just some upstart who'll get throw to the wayside in a few years. You don't want him anyway." He said, coming closer to me still. I tried to back up but walked right into the door frame, and before I could move out of it, he was right in front of me.
"And who do I want? You?" I asked, in complete and utter disbelief. He would never, as long as I knew Jorel, he wouldn't. He smiled to himself, taking his hands and putting them on my face.
"Don't think about it." He whispered, bringing his lips to mine, trying to kiss me. I stood there; my eyes open as his closed, trying to push him away. He held my head, dragging me along with him, still trying to get me to respond to him. I closed my eyes, imagining something else, imagining that this wasn't Jorel Decker trying to kiss me. He finally broke away, staring into my eyes. He smiled anyway. "You'll come around." He said, letting me go, and walking away from me.
♠ ♠ ♠
Excellent.