My Understandings

I walked onto the bus early that morning, after spending the night with Arin, like I knew I would. All I had wanted at this point in the morning was sleep before I had to do anything, but when I finally saw the front of the bus, I knew I wouldn't be getting much of it. Jorel was standing in the aisle way, his hair tousled from sleep, in just a pair of gym shorts. He looked behind himself, seeing me there, and a smirk was instantly planted on his face. I tried not to stare at his shirtless form, and closed my eyes, trying to push my way past him. He knew he was gorgeous, shirt on or off, but he knew that I went wild when he was shirtless. He was trying to provoke me. "Move Jorel." I told him, but he wouldn't budge. He was using his well built form to stand in my way. I pushed at his chest, trying to move him in any way that I could, but once I did, he put his arms around me, making me stay against him. I kept trying to get him off of me, but his arms were like vices around me. I wanted to yell, but at the thought, I looked beyond Jorel, seeing no one around. They were all either sleeping or gone. "Let me go Jorel." I said to him and he looked down to me. He was close enough to my face to kiss me, and I looked away from the intensity in his eyes. He knew my weaknesses, but I wasn't going to let him see that he was affecting me. I pushed against him still, and he held me till I stopped.
"Why are you fighting it so much?" he asked me, setting his head on top of mine. I squirmed again, but he didn't lack on his hold. I sighed, feeling defeated.
"Stop Jorel, just please, stop." I pleaded with him. He sighed, and finally let me go. I pushed passed him, looking back before I went into my bunk, just to see him watching me.

"You need to tell him to lay off." I told Jordon as we walked through the venue. He was awake, hearing the happenings earlier that morning. He asked me what was going on, and I tried to fill him in as much as possible. The only thing I left out were my inner thoughts that kept me up at night, regardless of what I told everyone else. He shook his head, looking around for a door that would take us outside, but most of them had fans lingering. As we reached backstage, he finally found one, and went out of it. I followed him in silence, waiting as he lit a cigarette and exhaled.
"I can't tell Jorel what to do, he won't listen to me." He said and I lit my own cigarette, inhaling gratefully. He leaned up against the brick of the building and I stayed where I was, looking out over the horizon. "You know that just as well as I do." He said and I looked back over to him.
"It doesn't matter if I know. Someone has to tell him, someone who will be on my side." I complained and he laughed to himself.
"You think I'm on your side?" he asked, his smirk sarcastic as ever. I huffed.
"You know how Jorel is, and you know how bad he can be. I know you've got a heart of gold underneath all of that." I said and he smiled, shaking his head, a slight blush rising in his cheeks.
"It's whatever. He'll be as shitty as he wants, or as nice as he wants. If he wants to do it, he will." He said with a shrug. "Jorel is Jorel, and always will be."

I walked in the back lounge as we made our way to the next city, looking for someone who I could talk to. There was really only one person on this bus who would listen to me, and try and give me good advice, and that was Daniel. He was sitting on his laptop, the news for the night on the television, and he looked up to me with a smile. I sat across from him, determined to talk to someone who would see reason. He saw the look on my face and closed his laptop, shut off the TV, and shut the door. He sat back down, putting his head in his hands, peering at me with a smile. "What's up?" he asked and I sighed, laughing a bit, and then going into my full fledged story. I watched his face, but he showed no emotion besides pleasant curiosity. He sat back, and whistled. "Sounds like a good time." He said and I laughed. I wasn't sure if he was serious or not. He shook his head, crossing his arms, his face screwed up in thought. He started to use his hands in the motion of weighing scales, probably weighing the options in his mind. I smiled at his actions, and then he stopped, looking me straight in the face. "What do you think you should do?" he asked me, and I closed my eyes, sitting back and thinking. I too weighed out the options in my mind, going through Arin, then Jorel, and me being with either of them, but I couldn't come up with a conclusion. I sighed, putting my head in my hands.
"I came to you for some advice and your opinion, Danny." I said to him. "Not to make me think ever further on this." I said and looked up between my hands to him. He was smiling down at me. He shrugged.
"I figured if I had your input on it, it'd put things into a better perspective." He said and shrugged again. "I don't know. It's really up to you. I know how Jay is, and I know the things he's done on tour, what he's willing to do. Some things you just have to look over if you're with someone like us. Arin too, I'm sure. He's probably done things you'd cringe over. It is what it is. You have to look at them as people, not the actions they've done in the past, or will do." He said, leaning forward and taking my hands from my face and putting them in between his. "You have to trust in people, Jess; you have to learn to open up to them. Regardless of if its Arin or Jorel, you have to follow what you feel."

I sat alone as the driver pulled into the venue, seeing no one since I had spoken to Danny the night before. Kristie wouldn't say anything to me about the subject, and George was on her side. The rest of the guys were tired of it, not wanting to hear nor say anything about it. Everyone was tired of it, and honestly, regardless of who I had spoken to, it was my decision. Ultimately, I knew this, everyone knew this, but I couldn't make up my mind. I didn't have the strength to hurt anyone.

As I walked off the bus, I nearly bumped into someone trying to come on as I opened the door. He put his hands out to steady me, making sure I didn't fall off the last step on top of him. It was Jorel, and I froze. He let me go, his face not the usual cocky mask it had been these past few weeks. "Sorry." I mumbled to him, trying to get around him and away. He stepped back, letting me exit the bus. I left the door open for him, but he closed it once I had gotten out of the doorway. I looked back to him, and he waited, seeing if I was going to leave him there. "What?" I said, trying to let my voice sound emotionless.
"I apologize." He said and I cocked a brow at him. "Seriously." He said, his trademark smirk coming back to his face. I shook my head.
"What for?" I asked him and he crossed his arms across his chest.
"For being a dick." He said and shrugged. I laughed to myself. He knew better. "Really, I don't want to pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do." He said and I narrowed my eyes at him. Jorel Decker was king for making little girls do what they didn't necessarily believe was right. "If you like Arin, and want to continue to be with him, by all means, go for it. He's obviously the bigger man in the situation." He said with finality in his voice. I waited for him to say something else, but when he turned to go back onto the bus, I stopped him.
"What's with the sudden change of heart?" I asked him and he shrugged.
"Been thinking lately." He said and I sighed, looking to the ground.
"What do you want from me?" I asked, not looking at him. I heard him sigh though, and noticed his arms drop to his side.
"I don't know." He said, after a few moments of silence. "You know how shit is, you know how I am. I just, I don't want something from you that I want from everyone else." He said and I finally looked up at him. He was looking towards the ground, a hand at the back of his neck, deep in thought.
"That isn't very convincing." I said to him, leaning against the bus and crossing my arms. He laughed to himself, looking back to me.
"I don't. I want simplicity with every other girl that I see, that I meet, but not from you." He said, looking away again. He was letting his guards down in front of me, and he couldn't bear to let me see the emotions that were passing through his eyes. "It's not like I want to marry you, but…" he paused, searching for words." It's just not the same." He finished and I closed my eyes for a moment. Why did this have to happen now?
"After all this time, and the fucking second I meet someone else, you come squirming from the wood work. Why now? Why this time?" I asked him, opening my eyes. He was looking at me, and I stared right back into his eyes.
"I guess I missed the mark before." He said sarcastically, and we both laughed at the irony of it. "I'm just sorry." He apologized again. "Just… let me know what you decide, I guess." He said awkwardly, smiling, and then finding his way back onto the bus.

I went to the first person who didn't want to hear anything about the subject, but would listen to me regardless. Kristie and I sat in a dim diner as I sipped on my coffee and she ate her lunch. I didn't have an appetite for anything anymore, and coffee was the first thing that would help me. She listened as I told her everything Jorel had said to me mere hours ago, and her face was a mask of nothingness till she finished her meal. She smiled vacantly as the waitress came and took the empty dishes from the table. "See, he isn't as bad as you make him out to be." She finally said. I sighed; I knew the direction this conversation was already turning to.
"I know Jorel, we know Jorel. There isn't more I really have to say." I said, wanting to argue my point to her. If I could find one.
"He wants to be with you." She said and I closed my eyes. She sighed and I opened my eyes again. "I don't want to be argumentative, but I can't see you being with Arin and making it work, seriously. Jorel will always be there for you, tour or not, and he's always been." She said and I shook my head. She shook hers right back at me. "You know it's the truth. You've only honestly known Arin for a few months, and yeah, he's a nice kid, but come on. You have to be realistic." She said, driving the point home like a knife. I put my head on the table, feeling the cool wood against my cheek. "I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you need to hear it." She said as I stared out the window.
"Since when has Jorel been there for me?" I said, not lifting my head. I stared at a couple crossing the street, at the cars driving by, at the squirrels running around the front yard of the diner we were in. she paused, like I knew she would. For the time I knew Jorel, he showed little signs of compassion towards me or anyone I knew, from what I had seen. For the little time I had known Arin, he showed everyone complete respect and adoration, and I had never seen nor heard him say a negative thing towards anyone.
"Just, trust me on this one." She said, and I finally looked up to her. She was looking away from me, motioning for our waitress to give us our check.
"What?" I asked her, but she ignored me. What did she know that I didn't?