My Understandings
06
"What are you talking about?" I asked Kristie, waiting for her to divulge as we walked back to the buses. She said nothing, just stared beyond. "Seriously, don't fucking do this to me." I begged her and she laughed to herself.
"Jorel cares about you, he does." She said, repeating what she had told me in the diner. It made no sense to me, how she was so adamant about Jorel.
"Does Jorel know he has a cheerleader on the sidelines for him now?" I asked her after we had walked a few blocks. She laughed, shaking her head.
"He doesn't really need one." She said and shook her head some more. "Seriously, you have to take my word for it. I know you don't believe me, but he cares. He really does. He doesn't show it because he doesn't want to seem soft, you know, the whole thing he's got going on. He's J-Dog with you, not Jorel Decker. I've seen his soft side, with the guys and without, and he's a different person. The person you saw today was Jorel, and he's taking a step back now, letting you be on your own." She professed to me. I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, hands on my hips, and she turned to stare at me.
"You have got to fucking kidding me." I said to her and she laughed again. "No, this is the whole thing we have with Jordon. Jorel can't have split personalities. Not everyone in this band is allowed to have that disorder, along with the thousands of others they've acquired over the years." She laughed openly at that and I sighed, looking to the sky for some sort of answer as to why this was happening. "Why can't anything be simple?" I groaned to the open blue vastness above us.
"I don't know, never is." Kristie said as I joined her, seeing the buses not far from us. "But you've got to come up with something, tours ending pretty soon here." She said, picking up the pace and going to our home.
I sat with Arin in the back of Avenged's bus, as we watched some movie that I was paying very little attention to. He had his arms around me, but I could tell he wasn't focusing on the movie either. I looked up to him, and he was looking out the open window. From where I lay, I could see fans lining up and crew members running to and fro in the parking lot. He sighed, adjusting the fedora on top of his head, letting me go. I sat up, looking back to him, but he didn't look at me. "Arin." I said his name and he finally looked to me, a smile planted on his face instantly. "You okay?" I asked him and he nodded, putting his hands behind his head and lying back, looking nonchalant. "You're acting weird, is something up? You know you can tell me." I said and he shrugged.
"Nothing's out of the ordinary." He said, taking his hands from behind his head and holding them out to me. I went to him, laying back down, looking out the window, wondering why he was so distant.
"Arin, are you okay?" I asked him again a few hours later. He hadn't changed, not when we left the bus, not when we roamed the city, not when fans came up to him, nothing made him change. His mood was the same, and I had never seen him this way before. We were walking around the venue now, after he had watched me set up my booth, and I stayed with him when he checked his drums. He grasped his hand in mine, and stopped in the middle of the lobby we were in. I could see fans not far off, and soon, they'd know who was standing with me here. He turned to face me, still holding my hands in his.
"I'll be alright." He said with a smile, looking down to me. I stared back up at him, narrowing my eyes at him.
"What's wrong, Arin, really?" I asked, trying to get him to confide in me. He sighed, leading me to the main area, standing in the middle of the pit, where fans would soon be to see him. We stood there, and I waited, staring up at their stage setup, and the huge death bat, appropriately named Fluffy set up in front of us. I looked back to him and he was smiling at it, and I continued to wait, just staring at him. He let go of my hand, bringing his hands behind his head, laughing.
"What's wrong with you?" he asked me and I looked away from him. I couldn't understand why he had asked me that.
"What?" I said before anything else.
"I see the look in your eyes now; you don't have the heart you did before." He said and I looked back to him. He put his hands by his sides, and looked over to me. We stared at one another for a few minutes and he sighed, facing me. "If you don't want to do this, please, just say so." He pleaded with me and I looked to the ground. He took his hands in my own again, and I looked back up into his face. He didn't have the look of numbness now, he tried to look as trusting as he could, but I didn't know what to say to him. "We're going home soon, and I've been thinking about it." He said, letting go of my hands and walking in circles in front of me. "It's going to be hard, you know. We live a bit away from another, and with things with the band, both of them, it's just hard." He said and I sighed.
"We can make it work." I said to him and he laughed, pausing in his stride to look at me. He came closer to me, taking my hands again, and bringing them to his face. He kissed my knuckles, his eyes never straying from mine.
"It's okay, Jessi, it is." He said against my fingers, and I sighed, taking my hands from his. He let his arms drop to his side. "It's just not the right time for us." He said and I felt a wave of sadness coming over me. I liked Arin, a lot, and I didn't want to do this, not now. Tears pricked at my eyes, and as I blinked, they fell. He smiled at me, brushing them away from my face. His hand lingered on my cheek, and I held it there.
"I'm just so sorry. I don't deserve you." I said to him, taking the step closer to him, and enveloping him in a hug. He kissed the top of my head, and I sighed, and let him go.
"You should know this means we're still friends, and that I'm going to bug you incessantly while we're home, right?" he said and I started to laugh, brushing the excess tears from my eyes.
"I know and I wouldn't want it any other way." I said, with a smile on my face, happy that I still had this wonderful man in my life.
I felt tears falling from my face as I walked back to the bus. I stopped in an alcove, lighting up a cigarette, letting myself think. I was torn up about what had happened, I didn't want to let Arin go, but he was right. This wasn't the time for us, and as much as I knew that, I didn't want to accept it. He was my friend, before anything else, and I knew I was hurting him. More tears fell from my face as I finished my cigarette, walking towards the bus, wishing I was home.
"Hate to say I told you so." Kristie said to me as we sat at our respective booths for the night. I had told her, despite my efforts, she had known something was wrong with me.
"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" I said to her, turning my body to face her. She had her arms crossed, looking smug. I wanted to throw the chair I was sitting in at her.
"You knew how I felt about Arin and you, you know. I can't say anything against what happened today." She said and I closed my eyes, calming myself. She was just further pissing me off.
"It doesn't matter how you fucking felt about Arin, or me, or the relationship. You're my friend, you should fucking give a shit as to how I'm feeling now, not how you wanted this to turn out." I said in a rush. She raised her brows at me.
"Calm down, it'll be okay." She said after a few moments, but I was still fuming.
"No, you shut up." I said to her, completely angered by her attitude. I turned in my seat, not looking towards her, ultimately ignoring her for the time being.
"Heard you and Arin aren't together anymore." Someone said to me from the doorway of the back lounge. I looked up from my laptop, seeing Danny standing there. He walked in, shutting the door behind him, and sat next to me. I closed my laptop and faced him. "You okay?" he asked and I shrugged.
"As long as you don't tell me I told you so, I think I'll be alright." I said and he cocked an eyebrow. "My other friends seem to be elated over the fact." I said with a huff and he sighed.
"Kristie, I'm guessing?" he said and I nodded. He shook his head. "She'll realize that it's hurting you more then its helping her… or Jorel, for that matter." He said and I stared at him. "She thinks you're going to just jump right into Jorel's bed when we get home because you're not with Arin anymore." He said and I laughed to myself.
"What does she think I'm going to change into overnight? Over the course of the past few months, I didn't just suddenly change into some whore who's going to sleep with everyone." I said and sighed, putting my head in my hands. He laughed to himself, rubbing my back a few times.
"She knows that, she just knows how you felt about both situations." He said and I looked at him through my fingers.
"And how exactly did I feel about them, Danny?" I asked, taking my hands from my face and staring at him. He put his hands up in defeat and I smiled.
"You liked Arin, and you still do, but you had doubts about Jay. I could see it in your eyes." He said and I huffed, crossing my arms across my chest. He laughed at my pouting. "Hit the nail on the head, didn't I?" he said and I shook my head, putting my arms down.
"Yeah, and I couldn't string Arin along like that, but that doesn't mean I'm going to just get with Jorel. He's not exactly the type to settle down." I said and Danny smirked at me.
"He can surprise people sometimes." He said with a shrug. "Try not to over think things this time around, okay?" Danny said with a smile, leaving me to do just what he had said not to do.
"Jorel cares about you, he does." She said, repeating what she had told me in the diner. It made no sense to me, how she was so adamant about Jorel.
"Does Jorel know he has a cheerleader on the sidelines for him now?" I asked her after we had walked a few blocks. She laughed, shaking her head.
"He doesn't really need one." She said and shook her head some more. "Seriously, you have to take my word for it. I know you don't believe me, but he cares. He really does. He doesn't show it because he doesn't want to seem soft, you know, the whole thing he's got going on. He's J-Dog with you, not Jorel Decker. I've seen his soft side, with the guys and without, and he's a different person. The person you saw today was Jorel, and he's taking a step back now, letting you be on your own." She professed to me. I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, hands on my hips, and she turned to stare at me.
"You have got to fucking kidding me." I said to her and she laughed again. "No, this is the whole thing we have with Jordon. Jorel can't have split personalities. Not everyone in this band is allowed to have that disorder, along with the thousands of others they've acquired over the years." She laughed openly at that and I sighed, looking to the sky for some sort of answer as to why this was happening. "Why can't anything be simple?" I groaned to the open blue vastness above us.
"I don't know, never is." Kristie said as I joined her, seeing the buses not far from us. "But you've got to come up with something, tours ending pretty soon here." She said, picking up the pace and going to our home.
I sat with Arin in the back of Avenged's bus, as we watched some movie that I was paying very little attention to. He had his arms around me, but I could tell he wasn't focusing on the movie either. I looked up to him, and he was looking out the open window. From where I lay, I could see fans lining up and crew members running to and fro in the parking lot. He sighed, adjusting the fedora on top of his head, letting me go. I sat up, looking back to him, but he didn't look at me. "Arin." I said his name and he finally looked to me, a smile planted on his face instantly. "You okay?" I asked him and he nodded, putting his hands behind his head and lying back, looking nonchalant. "You're acting weird, is something up? You know you can tell me." I said and he shrugged.
"Nothing's out of the ordinary." He said, taking his hands from behind his head and holding them out to me. I went to him, laying back down, looking out the window, wondering why he was so distant.
"Arin, are you okay?" I asked him again a few hours later. He hadn't changed, not when we left the bus, not when we roamed the city, not when fans came up to him, nothing made him change. His mood was the same, and I had never seen him this way before. We were walking around the venue now, after he had watched me set up my booth, and I stayed with him when he checked his drums. He grasped his hand in mine, and stopped in the middle of the lobby we were in. I could see fans not far off, and soon, they'd know who was standing with me here. He turned to face me, still holding my hands in his.
"I'll be alright." He said with a smile, looking down to me. I stared back up at him, narrowing my eyes at him.
"What's wrong, Arin, really?" I asked, trying to get him to confide in me. He sighed, leading me to the main area, standing in the middle of the pit, where fans would soon be to see him. We stood there, and I waited, staring up at their stage setup, and the huge death bat, appropriately named Fluffy set up in front of us. I looked back to him and he was smiling at it, and I continued to wait, just staring at him. He let go of my hand, bringing his hands behind his head, laughing.
"What's wrong with you?" he asked me and I looked away from him. I couldn't understand why he had asked me that.
"What?" I said before anything else.
"I see the look in your eyes now; you don't have the heart you did before." He said and I looked back to him. He put his hands by his sides, and looked over to me. We stared at one another for a few minutes and he sighed, facing me. "If you don't want to do this, please, just say so." He pleaded with me and I looked to the ground. He took his hands in my own again, and I looked back up into his face. He didn't have the look of numbness now, he tried to look as trusting as he could, but I didn't know what to say to him. "We're going home soon, and I've been thinking about it." He said, letting go of my hands and walking in circles in front of me. "It's going to be hard, you know. We live a bit away from another, and with things with the band, both of them, it's just hard." He said and I sighed.
"We can make it work." I said to him and he laughed, pausing in his stride to look at me. He came closer to me, taking my hands again, and bringing them to his face. He kissed my knuckles, his eyes never straying from mine.
"It's okay, Jessi, it is." He said against my fingers, and I sighed, taking my hands from his. He let his arms drop to his side. "It's just not the right time for us." He said and I felt a wave of sadness coming over me. I liked Arin, a lot, and I didn't want to do this, not now. Tears pricked at my eyes, and as I blinked, they fell. He smiled at me, brushing them away from my face. His hand lingered on my cheek, and I held it there.
"I'm just so sorry. I don't deserve you." I said to him, taking the step closer to him, and enveloping him in a hug. He kissed the top of my head, and I sighed, and let him go.
"You should know this means we're still friends, and that I'm going to bug you incessantly while we're home, right?" he said and I started to laugh, brushing the excess tears from my eyes.
"I know and I wouldn't want it any other way." I said, with a smile on my face, happy that I still had this wonderful man in my life.
I felt tears falling from my face as I walked back to the bus. I stopped in an alcove, lighting up a cigarette, letting myself think. I was torn up about what had happened, I didn't want to let Arin go, but he was right. This wasn't the time for us, and as much as I knew that, I didn't want to accept it. He was my friend, before anything else, and I knew I was hurting him. More tears fell from my face as I finished my cigarette, walking towards the bus, wishing I was home.
"Hate to say I told you so." Kristie said to me as we sat at our respective booths for the night. I had told her, despite my efforts, she had known something was wrong with me.
"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" I said to her, turning my body to face her. She had her arms crossed, looking smug. I wanted to throw the chair I was sitting in at her.
"You knew how I felt about Arin and you, you know. I can't say anything against what happened today." She said and I closed my eyes, calming myself. She was just further pissing me off.
"It doesn't matter how you fucking felt about Arin, or me, or the relationship. You're my friend, you should fucking give a shit as to how I'm feeling now, not how you wanted this to turn out." I said in a rush. She raised her brows at me.
"Calm down, it'll be okay." She said after a few moments, but I was still fuming.
"No, you shut up." I said to her, completely angered by her attitude. I turned in my seat, not looking towards her, ultimately ignoring her for the time being.
"Heard you and Arin aren't together anymore." Someone said to me from the doorway of the back lounge. I looked up from my laptop, seeing Danny standing there. He walked in, shutting the door behind him, and sat next to me. I closed my laptop and faced him. "You okay?" he asked and I shrugged.
"As long as you don't tell me I told you so, I think I'll be alright." I said and he cocked an eyebrow. "My other friends seem to be elated over the fact." I said with a huff and he sighed.
"Kristie, I'm guessing?" he said and I nodded. He shook his head. "She'll realize that it's hurting you more then its helping her… or Jorel, for that matter." He said and I stared at him. "She thinks you're going to just jump right into Jorel's bed when we get home because you're not with Arin anymore." He said and I laughed to myself.
"What does she think I'm going to change into overnight? Over the course of the past few months, I didn't just suddenly change into some whore who's going to sleep with everyone." I said and sighed, putting my head in my hands. He laughed to himself, rubbing my back a few times.
"She knows that, she just knows how you felt about both situations." He said and I looked at him through my fingers.
"And how exactly did I feel about them, Danny?" I asked, taking my hands from my face and staring at him. He put his hands up in defeat and I smiled.
"You liked Arin, and you still do, but you had doubts about Jay. I could see it in your eyes." He said and I huffed, crossing my arms across my chest. He laughed at my pouting. "Hit the nail on the head, didn't I?" he said and I shook my head, putting my arms down.
"Yeah, and I couldn't string Arin along like that, but that doesn't mean I'm going to just get with Jorel. He's not exactly the type to settle down." I said and Danny smirked at me.
"He can surprise people sometimes." He said with a shrug. "Try not to over think things this time around, okay?" Danny said with a smile, leaving me to do just what he had said not to do.
♠ ♠ ♠
Welp.