The Fleury Life

I never thought I could be so miserable watching a hockey game. I never thought I could be so sick to my stomach.
“Marc!” I yelled, racing down the runway after him, cutting in front of the rest of the guys. When I stepped in front of Jordan, who was first in the line down the runway besides Marc, I apologized quickly and looked back at him as he said my name.
His blue eyes had that look in them that I could not place in words, but still understood. “Go.”
I nodded and continued running after my husband. “Marc-Andre!” When I bursted through the doors to the locker room, I watched him throw his glove half way across the room and then just collapse on the bench in front of his locker. I watched him put his head in his hands before I walked over to him slowly, as if he was a frightened animal on edge.
I said nothing to him as the rest of the team started to come in. I said nothing at all as I kneeled down in front of him, put my hand on one padded leg where his knee would be, and I stared up at him as I let him just continue to keep his head in his hands.
Kris, with much free time on his hands since he was ejected from the game, picked up the catching glove that Marc threw and placed it above his head in the locker. I nodded to Kris and he walked away as talk erupted quietly around us.
Marc still did not move.
I settled more comfortable in front of him, just sitting down with my legs tucked under me, but I didn’t take my hand off his leg. I watched him internally attack himself, feeling sick to my stomach.
There is nothing worse than watching someone you love so much be in so much pain and there is nothing you can do about it. It broke my heart.
Marc finally lifted his head up, and I’ve never seen his face so guarded before. So, without permission from coach, I stood up and took his hand in mine, pulling him to his feet. He refused at first, considering he is much stronger than I am, but after one long, agonizing look, he got to his feet and I pulled him out of the locker room with me and into the quiet hallway.
He didn’t meet my eyes as he leaned back against the wall, looking down at his skates.
“Hon~” I started.
“Don’t,” he said a little harshly.
I flinched and took a step back away from him as an automatic reaction. Although he still didn’t look up at me, he did see my movements and his shoulders dropped more. “I’m sorry.”
I stepped forward towards him again so I stood in front of him, and still he wouldn’t look at him. I reached up and cupped his cheek in my hand, stroking his cheekbone with my thumb.
“Please don’t comfort me right now.” He said that much more gentle than his first word. “I don’t want to hear it.”
Another ouch. But at least this one wasn’t harsh in tone. Just... defeated.
So I didn’t say anything. I just wrapped my arms around his neck as I stood on my tip toes to hug him tightly. He barely moved.
I pulled away and stared at him. “If that’s how you want to be, then fine.” I felt my temper rise and the tears threatened to fall. “Excuse me for trying to be a good wife and trying to make things better even if I can’t right now. At least I was trying to take away some of your pain because I can’t stand to see you this way. It breaks my heart. But if you don’t want my sympathy, or my love, right now. Then so be it.” I spun on my heels and spoke as harshly to him as he did to me when he said ‘don’t’. “When you want to stop feeling sorry for yourself and want me to be apart of your pain because that’s easier for me then watching you suffer like this, you come talk to me, Marc-Andre. Because right now, I can’t stand to watch you like this if you don’t want me here with you.”
“Sierra, wait!” he called, but I was already storming away, wiping away my tears.
I shoved my way into the training room, where Tanger was in order to put ointment on the torn skin on his muscles. He took one look at me, and I at him, before I started crying and he came over, wrapping his arms around me.
I buried my head into his chest as I sobbed. I’m used to Marc pushing me away when he’s really upset, mainly because I understand what it’s like since I’ve been in similar positions before playing hockey, but he’s never completely shunned me before, now even allowing my touch. He has at least done that, no matter how upset he was. But this time... this time he wanted nothing.
And I said that to Kris through my tears. When I began to shake uncontrollably and started to feel lightheaded, Kris pulled out a chair and set me down in it. “Erra, please don’t cry,” he said kindly, wiping away the tears on my face with his hand. “I know you understand why he’s like this. Sure, maybe he’s being a bit of a prick right now by not even letting you hold him, but this is tough for him. Not only has his performance been lack luster this whole series, but against the Flyers. That’s like a double whammy, right?”
I nodded and sniffed.
Kris kneeled in front of me, much like how I did in front of Marc initially. “He will come around. He knows he has upset you, which will make him feel even more like shit. So let’s just let that fester for a bit as he sits on the bench for the third period. I’m positive he will come running afterwards.” He put his hand on my cheek comfortingly. “He needs time to be pissed off at himself before he comes to you right now. I know you want to help, you always do, but sometimes we guys just need to deal with issues alone. He wants you to be by his side as he goes through this, I promise, but for now, he just needs to deal himself. Ok?”
I nodded again.
“I also think he’s afraid that if you’re near him while he’s like this, he’ll do or say something stupid.” Kris grinned a bit. “Although, he already has, but that’s not my point.” His dark eyes glanced down for a minute before looking back up at me. “You are the most important thing in his world, and he doesn’t trust himself when he’s like this to be around you.”
“But~”
“I know what you’re going to say,” Kris interrupted. “And I agree with you. He would never in a million years hurt you in any way. I think hell would have to freeze over, the world would explode, and Geno turned into a woman before Flower ever laid a hand on you in a bad way. He’s not like that, at all. We all know this, but he’s still afraid he could. He wouldn’t, but that fear of a could, because there is always a could no matter the type of person, scares him. He wants to cool off a little so that could is not there.”
I looked down at my hands and sniffed. “Why do we all know but he doesn’t? I don’t understand.”
Kris laughed, he actually laughed, and I was a little taken aback by that. He apologized quickly though. “Princess,” wow, it’s been a while since anyone called me by that nickname. “He’s a guy, Erra. Men are strange, take it from one. We always have that one doubt that would never happen in this world, it would have to happen in an alternate universe, but we always think it could be true.” His eyes saddened. “For instance, I always think that Luc could barge through any door at any minute. I know it won’t happen, but there’s always the possibility he could.” I gave him a look. “Yes, he’d dead, Erra, but in an alternate universe, he might not be. Get it?”
“No,” I answered honestly.
Kris chuckled. “Ok, never mind then. But you do understand that he’s afraid of that possibility that something bad could happen?”
“I do. It makes no sense to me because I know he would never do such a thing, but I understand that he’s afraid of it.”
“And the fact he’s afraid insures me I can trust him with you,” Tanger said jokingly, winking.
I cracked a slight smile. “Now you sound like my brother.”
He laughed and pulled me into a hug again. “You’re still shaking.”
“I’m still upset.”
“Have you eaten anything today?”
“Kris~”
“Come on, let’s eat while this game finishes up above. I don’t know about you, but I really don’t want to watch on the TV.”
I nodded and let Tanger pull me to my feet.

I avoided Marc-Andre the best I could. Tanger helped with that, but keeping me by his side. As much as I wanted to run to my husband and just cry against him, letting out my own pain and frustration to mingle with his, I knew Tanger was right and I had to let him come to terms with it himself and let him come to me.
When we were back at the hotel, the angry atmosphere was too much for my emotional body to take. I was just weary and upset, with a pressure headache and an ache in my lower back, I fled to Tanger’s hotel room after he informed me that Marc had locked himself in ours to deal with his pain.
And honestly, I’m sort of glad. Because I want my Marc-Andre to deal. I need him, I want him by my side, and the fact he was forcing himself to be alone was a good sign.
So Tanger let me stay in his hotel room. Brooks, his roommate, was in Sidney’s room with a bunch of the other guys to let off steam, according to Tanger, so I was pretty much left in peace. Tanger stayed with me, watching TV quietly as I rested. He even went into my room to get my heating pad and heated it up for my lower back.
I was there for a few hours, long enough for it to be pitched back outside, before a knock on the door stirred me from a deep sleep. I didn’t open my eyes though, since I was still in the process of actually waking up, as Tanger got up to answer it.
I vaguely heard him say, “I’ll leave you alone,” in French before I felt the bed shift under someone else’s weight. I sighed heavily as a body curled up along side me and draped and arm over my body and down across my chest and pulled me closer, as close as physically possible.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered quietly, his voice cracking.
I opened my eyes and blinked away the sleepiness and turned my head and angled my body more onto my back and stared at my husband in his dark eyes.
“I’m so, so sorry, Sierra. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”
I rolled onto my back completely and brought a hand to his cheek. “How can I forgive you when you can’t forgive yourself?”
He closed his eyes tightly, but it wasn’t fast enough to keep the tear from escaping.
I sat up in front of him, and bent down to kiss his cheek lightly. “I’m not mad at you, my love. I understand your pain. I just want you to open up to me.” His eyes opened and he looked at me. “I love you, Marc, and I want you to share your pain and frustrations with me. I want you to just break down your barriers and let me in, let me be here for you. I can’t do much besides that, but I want to be able to do that. Don’t push me away.”
Marc sat up too, his hand resting on my own cheek now. “I don’t want to push you away,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry I did. I just... needed to think.”
“I know.”
“But I know now how much I want you to be here. Just being here for me helps, it really does. I just needed to figure that out on my own. I can’t help but be upset. God, Sierra, we’re down 3-0 in the series and I can’t seem to fucking save a single thing.” The muscles in his hands tensed as he clenched his eyes shut once again. “But no matter how pissed off and disappointed I am, especially since we all believe that this is our year, nothing is more important than you. Not my feelings, not this game. And I’m sorry I put them before you earlier.”
As a response, I threw my hands around his neck. He clenched onto my smaller body and held me close to him. I arranged myself on his lap, wrapping my legs about his waist with my swollen belly pressed up against his muscular one.
“I’m sorry I was being such a douche.”
“You could never be a douche.” I loosed my grip on his neck and leaned back a bit so I could look at him. “An idiot, yes, but not a douche.”
He smiled a bit. “I have been really terrible all series, haven’t I?”
“I refuse to answer, because in my eyes, you could let in 100 goals and you’d still be the best in my eyes.”
“I love you so unbelievably much, Sierra.”
“I love you so much too, Marc-Andre.” I rested my forehead against his. “And if we lose game four, although I’m hoping for a miracle, you won’t push me away right, no matter how upset you may be?”
“I’ll never push you away, never again, no matter the circumstances. I promise.”
I nodded and pressed my lips to his, and as he kissed back, all the pain and suffering he’s feeling just seemed to flow into me, and allowed me to relax, because I felt that honesty in that promise.
No matter what the future brings, through the ups and the downs, he’ll never push away and make himself distant again.