Don't Let Me Go

I sat in the corner for a long time thinking about the last time I was truly happy; the last time I remember actually feeling like anything in this world mattered, including myself. It suddenly hit me – up until this very moment, nothing really had mattered, nothing was important, least of all me. I remember all the late nights when my dad would force me to perform oral sex on him before raping me. I remember how they made me feel, like I was nothing more than a play toy for an old, lonely dog. I never told my mom about what happened, I was too scared. I knew he would only make things worse if I spoke and that was something I just couldn’t handle. I remember when I was younger he used to hit me; he’d tell me how worthless I was and smack me across the face a few times. I never spoke about that, either; I just covered up my bruises with makeup and went on about my business as if nothing had happened. I remember the day he told my mom had been killed in a terrible car accident, “your worthless, shitty mother was killed. It’s truly a gift from God, now we’re free from her watchful eyes, I can do whatever I want to you whenever I want.” I’m still haunted by those words to this day, but I’m glad he said them. I know it makes no sense that I could be happy about hearing something that hurtful, but that was when I realized something had to change. I ran down the street to my best friend Averi’s house as tears began to stream down my face, smearing my mascara. I banged on her door with all my might before falling onto her wooden porch. I could see the confusion in her eyes when she opened the door and there was no one standing in front of here, “down here” I managed to say through my tears. After that, I told her everything, every last detail of my sad, fucked up life. I was just fifteen then, nowhere near the legal age of adulthood and I honestly had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew I couldn’t live with my dad anymore. I spent the entire night in Averi’s arms just crying, waiting to feel better.

The year after that is mostly a blur to me, everything happened so fast. I can slightly remember the day I moved into the empty bedroom in the house Averi shared with her mother, but I honestly can’t remember how I got there. All I know is that I was finally out of my personal hell and ready to start over. I haven’t spoken to my dad since the day my mom passed away, but I don’t mind. I’m happy now, here in my little apartment in New York with Averi. She’s the sister I never had, and the first person who has truly cared about me, and that’s all I can ask for.

“Lexi, you need to get ready for class. We have to leave in fifteen minutes,” Averi whispered in my ear as she gently shook my shoulder bringing me back to reality.

“Oh, right, I’ll get up,” I quickly stood up and made my way over to the closet we shared.

“What happened to you this morning? You were like in a trance or something,” Averi laughed as she handed me a shirt to wear.

“I don’t know, I was just thinking about things. Like how I’m finally happy for once,” I smiled at her as I threw the shirt over my head.
“I’m glad you’re happy,” she kissed my forehead like a proud mother and left me to finish getting ready on my own.

I grabbed some purple skinny jeans and put them on to cover up my cold, bare legs. I slipped into my black converse and Anthrax hoodie right as the clock made its daily “ding” sound telling Averi and me it was time to head out for class.

“You know, New York just isn’t the same during the day as it is at night,” Averi laughed. I smiled politely and shook my head in agreement as we made our way down the crowded street toward the art school we attend.

“I’ll see you later,” I lightly kissed Averi on the cheek as we said our goodbyes for the day. “Dinner’s at seven tonight!”

“Alright, alright,” she gave me a slight smile, “I’ll be on time today, I swear.”

“And no more fooling around with this Gerard guy, do you hear me?!” I glanced back at her as I started walking away, “At least not until I meet him!”

“Fine mom, I’ll bring him over for diner!” Even though I knew she was just messing around, I couldn’t find it within myself to not play along with her.

“Okay, honey, now remember, be safe and wrap his willy before you get silly!”

“Real funny Lexi, real funny!” Averi started to storm away and I could see her face getting red.

“I was just kidding!” I yelled over to her.

“I know you were, and that’s why I love you! See you at seven!”

The truth is, I kind of wasn’t kidding. Averi’s been seeing this Gerard guy for a few weeks now, and she hardly ever comes home for dinner, if at all. Sure, I know she’s an adult and everything, but I worry about her. I found a pregnancy test in her nightstand drawer this morning when I was looking for a hair tie. I haven’t had the chance to ask her about it yet, but I’m really worried. Averi can’t be pregnant, she just can’t. She’d lose everything she’s worked for. And for what? One night with a guy she barely knows. Just thinking about the possibility of her being pregnant brings back memories I can’t bear to visualize, and I definitely don’t want her to have to deal with that.

I managed to find the only open seat in my Intro to Musical Theory class and started drawing on an empty sheet of notebook paper to pass the time. There was no way I could focus on class after this morning’s events. Halfway into my professor’s lecture I distinctly remember him saying “Music is the sole form of communication between all people of the world. If you don’t know how to say something, turn it into music.” That’s when it hit me, I’d never really been good with emotions, and letting others know how I feel, but I could certainly let Averi know how I feel in song, right?