Waiting for Life to Begin

Jack was rushed straight to surgery when we got to hospital. Jack’s mom is out of town at the moment so I had to ring his doctor for his medical insurance. Once I’d filled those forms out for him, I sat down in the waiting room, just waiting. Not long after, Rian arrived with Alex, Matt and Danny. Alex was distraught, barely able to breathe through his sobbing, but Rian seemed to be able to soothe him, rubbing his back and murmuring comforting words.

Three hours later, a nurse came and told us that Jack was out of surgery and that he was alright. I’ve never felt more relieved in my entire life. Jack was alright. He survived. And fuck was I going to give him the biggest hug of his life when he woke up. Danny and Matt had to leave because their moms wanted them home as soon as they knew about Jack’s condition, so Rian, Alex and I followed the nurse into the private room. My breath hitched in my throat when I saw his bandaged and bruised body, but I forced myself to calm down. He was alright. He’d be alright. We were told we could stay in there until visiting hours were over, and that’s what we planned to do.

Half an hour later, Alex was passed out from crying so much, having curled up in Rian’s arms as soon as we’d sat down. I didn’t question Rian’s lack of protest. Jack’s what’s most important right now. Just Jack.

“Is it true, what Enderson was saying about Jack?” Rian asked softly.

I sighed. There’s no point lying now, is there?

“Yeah. Jack’s gay,” I nodded.

“How long have you known? How long has he been dating Gaskarth?” Rian asked.

“He’s not dating Gaskarth. They’re just sleeping together because the people they actually like don’t like them back. Or don’t know of their existence or something. I think he’s been gay for about two years – that’s why his dad left, because he found out. And I’ve known since February,” I explained.

“Did Jack tell you?” Rian frowned.

I laughed weakly and shook my head.

“No, I walked in on him and Gaskarth fucking in the showers after practice,” I admitted.

Rian’s eyes went wide in shock.

“Wow. So he’s been doing this behind our backs?” Rian asked.

I nodded.

“You’re not going to be a dick to him about it, are you?” I asked hesitantly.

I promised Jack that Rian would understand, so if he doesn’t…that’ll only make me feel worse. Rian suddenly looked a little nervous, making me frown.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I don’t care about Jack being gay because…”

Rian trailed off, looking even more nervous. Seriously, what’s wrong?!

“Because what, Rian?” I prompted.

Rian swallowed heavily before looking back at me with watery eyes.

“Because I’m bisexual,” Rian whispered.

Woah. Woah. What?! Rian sensed my shock and seemed to start panicking.

“I swear I wanted to tell you, really! I just…I couldn’t find the right words and then you’re always so hard to read about things like this! Sure, you don’t pick on gay people but I’ve never seen you outwardly helping any! And I just…I was scared! I only told Danny and Matt because…”

“Woah, you told Danny and Matt, but not me?” I interrupted, a little hurt.

I’ve been his friend longer than they have!

“Well, I kinda stumbled into a bedroom whilst making out with a guy, only to see them 69ing once so we hid each other’s secret in return. They’ve been fucking since they hit puberty. They’re not dating, but they’ve extremely attracted to each other,” Rian admitted nervously.

Holy shit. This is…this is almost too much to handle. So many fucking secrets! Rian’s bi? Danny and Matt are fucking? Holy shit.

“I wouldn’t have cared, Ri. I wouldn’t have cared. You could’ve told me because I thought I was one of your best friends,” I said softly.

“You are one of my best friends! I just…I didn’t want to lose everything I have. I gotta hold onto my reputation at this school, at least until we graduate, y’know? My parents don’t even know, so I know I couldn’t turn to them. I’m just scared, Zack. I’m sorry,” Rian said sadly.

I sighed, running my hands through my hair. I can’t be mad at him, not really. Not when he’s saying nearly the exact same things that Jack said to me.

“It’s okay, Rian. You don’t have to be scared of my reaction any more. Your sexuality doesn’t mean anything to me, okay? You’re still the same person,” I said seriously.

Rian smiled, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

“So what’s Jack hiding for you?” Rian asked suddenly.

“Excuse me?” I asked, confused.

“What’s he hiding for you in return? There must be something,” Rian frowned.

I swallowed heavily and shook my head.

“No, he’s not hiding a secret of mine,” I said.

“So you’re just protecting him because you can?” Rian said incredulously.

“I’m protecting him because he’s Jack,” I replied softly.

“Oh. Wow. You really are a good friend,” Rian said, surprised.

“A good friend who nearly lost a friend because he didn’t protect him,” I scowled.

“Hey, what Enderson, Young, Farland and Newman did is not your fault. How were you to know that Enderson’s kid brother would walk in and catch them kissing? You couldn’t be following him everywhere, Zack. So don’t blame yourself,” Rian said softly.

How can I not? I promised Jack I would have his back and he’s ended up in hospital. What kind of friend am I?

“All we can do now is to make sure that it never happens again,” Rian added.

“Fucking right we will,” I said firmly.

Rian beamed.

“That’s the best friend I know! Super Zack to the rescue!” Rian grinned.

I laughed softly, rolling my eyes. Too much cheer for this situation. Rian laughed as well, his eyes flicking down to Alex and back. Huh.

“Maybe you should try to get some rest, man. Gaskarth’s still completely out. And Jack won’t be waking up for at least another hour,” Rian suggested.

“I’m fine. Feel free to get some sleep yourself though,” I replied.

Rian shrugged and wriggled around until he and Alex were in a comfortable position. For some reason I had a feeling that Alex wouldn’t particularly mind waking up curled up with Rian like that. After 10 minutes, I heard Rian’s light snores and smiled. Good. I’m finally alone with Jack.

“I don’t know if you can hear me, but I’m going to speak anyway,” I said softly, taking his cold hand in mine.

I ran my tongue over my lips in nervousness. What does someone say to explain to their unconscious friend how scared they were?

“I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you, Jack. Seeing you bloodied and beaten on the floor made me feel sick. So much was running through my head. What if I never saw your dorky little smile again? What if I didn’t get to hear your obnoxious laugh or your cute little giggle any more? What if I didn’t get to kick your ass on Xbox and tease you when you sulked? What if we didn’t get to have our heart to hearts? What if I wouldn’t be able to call you my best friend because you were 6 feet under?”

I paused, tears pricking my eyes. His bruised face looks so vulnerable, so innocent, and that only hurts more.

“Just the thought of having to say goodbye to you, after all that we’ve been through, after all the years I’ve had you at my side, tears me apart. I can’t ever lose you. I can’t. I wouldn’t survive it. You’re my best friend and…oh fuck, I’m starting to wish you were more than that so I had a legit reason to be so worried,”

My breath hitched in my throat as those words spilled from my lips. What? I…what? Why was I…fuck. Fuck. I…I like Jack. I like Jack. All those stupid things I listed, the little things I love the most about him…fuck. And that sex dream? Fuck. How could I have not realised it before?

Great timing, Zack. Great timing to realise that you have feelings for your best friend when he’s unconscious in a hospital bed. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Jack doesn’t need this right now. He needs a strong impartial best friend who can protect him, not someone pining and lusting after him. Jack doesn’t need my feelings messing up his world even more than it already is.

Fuck.

“I’m sorry, Jack. You deserve better than me. I’m sorry,” I whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to his hand before letting go.

I guess I’ll just have to keep my feelings a secret, like everyone else has kept secrets from me. That’s what best for Jack, right?