Waiting for Life to Begin

Make me understand.

The 5th of May. The date that pretty much all of us Seniors have been dreading for one reason only – college acceptance letters. Today we would all find out if any of us had a future coming. I know for a fact that I’ll get into at least one college. I’ve worked too damn hard not to. Oklahoma State is the college I’m praying for though. Well, the college my parents are praying for. Oklahoma State is the college they both went to and coincidently met at, and they want to continue that legacy. My mom even mentioned over dinner last night how nice it would be if I met a girl at Oklahoma State like dad met her. Yeah. How nice.

I don’t…I don’t even know if college is for me, y’know? I just…I know that I’d be riding on a full football scholarship, and that would only lead to a career in football, and I’m not sure if I want that. I know my dad wants that for me, but is that enough? I just don’t know anymore. I seem to be questioning more and more about myself every day, not even just my sexuality anymore.

I picked up the pile of post from the foyer, scanning through the names on the envelopes. Huh. 5 letters from colleges. And…a letter from San Diego? I didn’t apply to anywhere in San Diego…

“Zack honey? Has the post come?” my mom called from the dining room.

I looked down at the letter in my hand and folded it in half, sliding it into my pocket. That can wait until later.

“Yeah, mom, I got 5 letters,” I called back, walking towards them.

My mom and dad sat prim and proper (as always) on the kitchen stools, each sipping coffee, looking at me with eager eyes as I entered the room. I smiled nervously at them, before taking a seat at the end of the island. I put the rest of the mail on the table before opening my letters one by one.

I got an offer from Louisiana State with a football scholarship.

I got an offer from Alabama with a football scholarship.

I got an offer from Ohio State with a football scholarship.

I got an offer from Oregon with a football scholarship.

And…I got an offer from Oklahoma State with a football scholarship.

Holy shit. I got into Oklahoma State! Holy shit!

“Oh I’m so proud of you, Zack!” my mom gushed, flinging her arms around me.

I awkwardly patted her back, waiting until she let go to look at my dad.

“Congratulations, son. This is everything we’ve ever dreamed of,”

“I guess,” I shrugged.

“You guess? This is Oklahoma State! Home of the Cowboys! My alma mater, and your mother’s!”

“Yeah, I know it is, I guess…”

“You guess…what, sweetie?” my mom asked, resting her hand on my shoulder.

I guess that going to OSU means that I won’t get to see Jack for pretty much 4 years – he sure as hell won’t be going there.

“Never mind. It’s just the shock, I suppose,” I said with a forced smile.

“Well I think a nice celebratory dinner will cheer you up! Let’s say…Gino’s, at 7?” my dad suggested.

“That sounds wonderful!” my mom gushed.

7. Why was 7 ringing a bell for me? Aw fuck, it’s Evan’s birthday today and I promised I’d go to the party with Alex, Jack and Rian. Damn it!

“Can we make it 6? I’ve got an 18th birthday party to go to that I promised a while back on,” I groaned.

“But it’s college acceptance letter day!” my mom protested.

“I know mom, but you…you both have always encouraged me to honour commitments, right? To stick to my word? To never back down from promises?” I urged.

I want to hear from Jack himself how he did, not just by phone or email.

“Well, I guess you’re right. 6 it is. But no rushing off,” my dad warned.

“I’ve got to pick up Jack though,” I said hesitantly.

My dad sighed.

“Invite him out to dinner then! He’s your best friend, I’m sure his mom won’t mind,” he said.

She probably won’t even notice. But I’ll ask him anyway.

“Thanks dad,” I grinned.

“I swear, the only thing that makes you smile is that Barakat boy’s presence. Doesn’t he have a girlfriend?”

I swallowed heavily. Fuck. Think, Zack! Think!

“Uh, he did, but they, uh, broke up. Alex…andra, Alexandra her name was. Yeah, they broke up quite recently and he’s been really down so it makes me feel good to be able to talk to him and cheer him up,” I said, only half-lying. Kind of.

“Aww, what a sweetheart! That boy is lucky to have a friend as caring as you,” my mom said proudly, patting my cheek.

“Sounds pretty gay to me,” my dad huffed.

“Excuse me?” I choked.

“My friends and I never showed that much emotion to each other. And talking about feelings after a break-up? Hell no,” my dad scoffed.

I clenched my teeth, fighting the blush that threatened to rise to my cheeks.

“It doesn’t make you gay to show emotions, dad. It makes you human,” I defended, my temper rising slightly.

Who the fuck is he to talk like this?

“Alright, testosterone down, thank you!” my mom said shrilly.

My dad and I stared each other down for a few more seconds, before looking at my mom.

“Zack, go and call Jack to invite him to dinner. And you, Mr, have a car to wash,” my mom scolded.

My dad huffed and walked out of the room. My mom beamed at me and pecked my cheek. I took that as my cue to leave and pulled out my phone, dialling that familiar number.

“Hey Zack, happy letter day!” Jack answered cheerfully.

“Someone’s perky!” I laughed.

“With good reason! I…”

“Wait, save it, I want to hear it in person,” I interrupted.

“At the party?” Jack frowned.

“No, before. My parents want you to come out to dinner with us before the party to celebrate,” I announced hopefully.

“They do?” Jack asked, surprised.

“Yeah, they do,” I nodded, “you are my best friend, after all,”

I won’t tell him about my dad declaring how close our friendship is as ‘gay’. It isn’t necessary.

“Well…that sounds like fun!” Jack laughed.

“Yeah, it should be…interesting. Can you get a ride over here for...quarter to 6?” I asked.

“Yeah, I’ll ask my mom to drop me off on her way to her night shift,” Jack nodded.

“See you later then,” I smiled.

“Yeah, see you,”

I ended the call and slid my cellphone into my pocket. I have one thing and one thing only on my mind. What the fuck am I going to wear tonight?!

*

The day rolled by and dinner sped past, and soon enough (after dropping my mom and dad back home) I had Alex in the back seat and the three of us were driving over to Evan’s house for his small get-together, or whatever he was calling it. I shifted in my seat as we reached a red light, grimacing as something sharp dug into my hip. Oww! What the fuck?!

“What’s wrong?” Jack frowned, noticing my discomfort.

“Something’s digging into my hip in my pocket,” I muttered.

“I’ll help!” Jack offered.

“I bet you will,” Alex mumbled.

“Excuse me?” I asked, looking over my shoulder.

“Nothing,” Alex said fake-sweetly, “drive, monkey boy,”

I rolled my eyes and looked back at the waiting cars, trying not to squirm in my seat as Jack’s hand slid into my pocket. I bit my lip as his hand moved around on my thigh, my knuckles clenching the steering wheel so hard that they turned white. Smooth. Real smooth.

“Got it!” Jack said triumphantly.

I almost breathed a sigh of relief. Then Jack pulled out a letter. Oh, the letter from this morning! From San Diego!

“Why do you have a letter from San Diego? I didn’t know you applied there,” Jack said, confused.

“I didn’t. That’s why I shoved it in my pocket this morning, so I could read it later. I totally forgot,” I explained, shifting into first gear and driving as the red light turned to green.

“Open it then!” Alex prompted.

Jack grinned and ripped the top open, before frowning. What?

“Ocean Beach Skate and Surf Shop in San Diego have sent you a leaflet and written a letter in reply to you expressing your interest in their skateboarding work,” Jack said slowly.

“Who said what about what?” I asked.

“I recognise the name of that place…” Alex mumbled.

“Please enlighten me,” I said.

“Do you remember when us three and Rian were over my house and we got really really drunk, and you were talking about how you love skateboarding? And about how, if things were different, you’d have done a lot more skateboarding in your life?” Alex prompted.

“Uh, not really,” I admitted.

Alex rolled his eyes, Jack just giggling.

“Well, I’m pretty sure we googled skateboarding shops and stuff like that, and this is one that we might’ve got in contact with?” Alex offered.

“Gaskarth! Why did you let me do that?” I protested.

“Hey, there were two others in the room too!” Alex retorted.

“If it makes you feel better, they seem interested in you! Clearly drunk-Zack speaks what he really feels,” Jack said softly.

Let’s just hope drunk-Zack doesn’t speak tonight then. No, not the point of this.

“I can’t even think about that. My dad would kill me if he ever saw it. It’s football or nothing,” I said firmly.

“Is it? Is it really?” Alex said, raising an eyebrow.

“You both know what my parents are like. They’ve been planning my career since I first threw a ball. I don’t really have a choice in this,” I grumbled.

“You always have a choice, Zack,” Jack said seriously.

I smiled weakly, pulling up outside Evan’s house.

“I wish that was true,” I said sadly.

We sat in an awkward silence for a few seconds, before Alex cleared his throat.

“Well I need a drink. Feel free to join me,” he muttered, getting out of the car and heading up to the house.

Jack took this chance to rest his hand on top of mine. I cut the engine.

“I just want you to know that you can have a life outside football. There’s more to you than just this, Zack. I know there is,” Jack said softly.

“Thanks, Jack,” I sighed.

Jack smiled weakly and squeezed my hand, before getting out the car. I took a deep breath before following him, patting his back and locking my car before we headed up to the house. I know Jack’s words are true, but there’s nothing I can do to change my future. It is what it is, and that’s that. I’m not Jack, and I’m sure as hell not Alex, I can’t just come out of the closet and know that everything will still be the same. If I can hide my feelings from Jack then I can hide my sexuality and my real thoughts from my parents, and that’s all that matters. I’ve got to protect myself, right?
♠ ♠ ♠
So you've had a little bit more of a taste of Zack's parents.
Fun, aren't they?
:/
Just a warning...it's the start of MAJOR drama in the next part...

Thank you to everyone who commented on the last chapter! I'm sorry this one is a bit crap but I have such a bad cold that my nose won't stop running, my eyes won't stop watering and I can't hear out of my left ear (with my right ear not faring much better). I promise the next one will be better! Please stick with me?

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xo

p.s. would you believe there are only 5 chapters left?