Waiting for Life to Begin

Time rolled round to the 22nd May, exams and football practice taking over my life, consuming every thought of mine so I had none left to make peace with Jack. Not that he’d listen to me. He’s avoiding everyone’s calls but Alex and Rian’s, especially mine. I honestly don’t know what to do about what happened. How do I tell him that having sex with him was one of the best things that had ever happened to me? How do I ask him why he freaked out and kicked me out? How do I tell him I like him too?

I honestly don’t know how to sort this out. For once in my life, I don’t have a clue.

But yes, exams were over now, leaving only a couple more weeks of school, finishing a few more assignments and college details, and one last football game, before we graduate. I wish Jack would talk to me. Tonight is Grieco’s birthday party, and seeing as he invited me, I arrived with Rian and Alex. I handed him the bottle of Jack Daniels’ that I bought him with my fake ID before grabbing a beer or two and standing at the edge of the room. No-one bothered me. I was fine with that.

Most the night was spent looking at Jack, who was sitting on the sofa at the opposite side of the room, either looking miserable by himself, or looking miserable as one of Alex’s friends tried to talk to him. I want to talk to him but I can’t take the rejection and humiliation of his refusal in front of all these people. What the fuck do I do?!

After getting myself a third beer and downing half of it before I left the kitchen, I found Rian and Alex standing in the spot I’d been standing in all night. But they weren’t just standing there, oh no. They were staring at me, commanding me to come over to them. Great. Just what I fucking need.

“Great party,” I muttered, not looking in their eyes.

“Are you going to tell us why you and Jack have been avoiding each other for over two weeks?” Alex asked bluntly, hands on hips.

“It’s none of your business,” I grumbled.

“Like fuck is isn’t. We’ve been trying to give you space to sort it out yourselves, but your pathetic displays tonight leave us no choice,” Rian retorted.

I stared them both down, but when it was clear that I wasn’t going to get out of this confrontation without a fight, I sighed.

“Fine. But not here. Somewhere where no-one else can hear,” I muttered.

“It’s that bad?” Rian frowned.

I narrowed my eyes at him, and he held his hands up in surrender.

“Follow me,” Alex said.

No-one said anything, or even seemed to be looking at us as the three of us walked upstairs and into…the bathroom? What the fuck?

“The door locks,” Alex shrugged, locking it to prove his words.

I just nodded and sat down on the closed toilet lid, Alex and Rian sitting on the bath. How the fuck do I even go about telling them what happened? They don’t even know that I’m bisexual! Or Jacksexual, as it seems.

“What’s wrong, Zack? You’re starting to worry me,” Rian asked softly.

“It’s not easy to explain,” I sighed.

“Try. Please,” Alex urged.

I licked my bottom lip out of nerves, and nodded. If I can’t trust Rian and Alex, who can I trust with this?

“The day that you two told Jack and I that you were secretly dating, and when you told Jack ‘one day’, I confronted him about what you meant when we got back to his house. We ended up arguing a little before Jack told me that the guy he likes is me,”

“He told you?!” Alex gasped.

“Please don’t interrupt. It’s going to be hard enough without that,” I begged.

Alex quickly nodded.

“I was so shocked that I just stood still…and then he kissed me,”

Their faces were so shocked that I looked down at the ground.

“He broke the kiss looking so scared but so needy, and without thinking, I kissed him back. The kiss started heating up, clothes being taken off, and all while it was happening I tried to stop him, tried to tell him it wasn’t a good idea, but Jack kept begging me, and interrupting me, and looking like I’d break his heart if I walked away. One thing led to another and we had sex. The most amazing sex I’ve ever had, and I thought…no, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he kicked me out, begging me to leave him alone, and I haven’t spoken to him since,”

I kept looking at the floor for a more seconds while my two friends stayed silent, tears filling my eyes. This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have told them.

“How long have you liked Jack?” Alex finally asked.

My head shot up in surprise. What the fuck?!

“I-I don’t…I don’t know what you m-mean,” I managed to choke.

“Any other guy would’ve pushed Jack away, would’ve destroyed him if he’d hit on them like that. But you didn’t. And I can tell by your words that it wasn’t a pity fuck…”

“Shit!” I yelped.

“What?” they chorused.

“That’s exactly what Jack thinks this was! A pity fuck! That’s why he kicked me out, because he liked me and he thought I was only humouring him!” I groaned.

“So it wasn’t a pity fuck?” Rian prompted.

Tears filled my eyes all over again, and I shook my head. I can’t believe I’m doing this.

“I started to think of Jack differently during Spring Break. It was when Jack was put in hospital after the attack that I realised how deep my feelings actually were. I will never feel for anyone like I do for Jack, and now he wants nothing to do with me,” I whimpered.

“Hey, it’s okay, we can work this out,” Alex soothed.

“How the fuck can we do that?! I’m the Quarterback, I’m meant to be this big masculine straight leader of the football team, and everyone knows Jack is gay – how can I properly work this out with everyone else finding out? Call me selfish all you want, but this is exactly why Rian’s keeping you two a secret – I can’t come out. I can’t tell anyone else that I’m bisexual. Jack doesn’t deserve all the crap that would come his way because of me. And he wouldn’t believe me anyway – he’d probably think everything was for pity, you know how he is. This won’t work out,” I hissed.

“Zack, calm down, come on man. Jack’s your best friend, you can’t leave it like this,” Rian sighed.

“I’m pretty sure I ruined our friendship after having sex with him, but thanks for the support,” I growled, standing up.

“Where are you going?” Alex asked, confused.

“I’m leaving. I don’t belong here. Say goodbye to Grieco for me,” I muttered.

I reached for the door, but Rian’s hands grabbed my shoulders and pinned me to the wall.

“No. No fucking way am I letting you pussy out of this. Zack Merrick doesn’t pussy out of anything, especially when it comes to Jack. Yes, sleeping with him probably wasn’t the best idea – but neither was keeping your feeling hidden from him for over two months, Zack. You need to man up, and stop being such a bitch,” Rian frowled.

My eyes widened in shock, and Alex just giggled. Rian’s never spoken to me like this before. Never.

“Well what the fuck do you suggest I do?” I eventually said.

Rian smiled and let me go, looking to Alex.

“You need to talk to Jack before his birthday. I don’t care if you wait until a minute to midnight before the day, but before his birthday. He adores you, Zack. He may be hurting right now, but there’s no-one else in this world that he loves more than you. All you’ve got to do is show him that you like him too,” Alex said simply.

“How the fuck do I do that without jeopardising everything?” I asked wearily.

“We’ll work on it. But for now, go get yourself another beer, and smile at Jack, even if it’s from across the room. We’ve got this, Zack,” Alex said confidently.

I sighed but nodded. Fine. All of a sudden, Rian punched me in the arm. Oww! What the fuck?!

“That was for lying to us when you denied having a secret,” Rian said firmly.

“I wouldn’t have guessed that you were at least bi-curious, if it wasn’t for all the glares you used to give me when I was all over Jack in front of you,” Alex smirked.

“Yeah, well, you were a slut. I could’ve been just glaring at you in general,”

“It could’ve looked like that yeah, but now I know you’re bisexual, everything makes sense,” Alex grinned.

I gritted my teeth, willing myself not to punch that smug look from his face.

“I’m going to get another beer. None of what we’ve said leaves this room, okay? No-one can know,” I said firmly.

“Of course, Zack,” Rian nodded, clapping me on the shoulder.

I sighed and unlocked the door, leaving the bathroom and heading back downstairs with my friends behind me. I honestly can’t believe how this evening has turned out. Is it for the best though? Or will everything just go up in flames?