Waiting for Life to Begin

Okay, so this morning hasn’t exactly gone well. The moment I saw Jack I walked in the other direction, and have been doing so all day. Even when we’ve been in lessons together, I’ve pretty much ignored him. I just can’t deal with this overload of information. Jack is gay. Fuck, I still can’t deal with it. The images from last night are haunting me every time I close my fucking eyes – I just want them to go away! I want to pretend like this never happened.

But I know I can’t. This is real.

“So why are you ignoring Jack?”

I broke out of my thoughts as Rian sat opposite me on our usual lunch table.

“I’m not,” I lied automatically.

“Bullshit. You haven’t talked to him all day,” Rian retorted.

I opened my mouth to reply but more of the football team sat down on our right. Rian and I are at the end of the table, so at least we don’t have two sides of people listening in.

“Merrick, why is Barakat sitting with those faggot skaters?” one of our Wide Receivers Mark Young scowled.

Mark, along with Joe Enderson (the other Wide Receiver), Adam Farland and Ross Newman (the two Offensive Tackles) are extremely homophobic, and are the four that actually go around bullying gay kids. Rian, me, Jack, Danny, Matt and the two other guys on the team Louis Sanders and Will Barker (the two Guards) try to stop them whenever we can, but it doesn’t change anything. They’re still homophobes.

“Jack’s doing a project with Gaskarth for World History. Besides, Gaskarth’s my neighbour, he’s alright,” I defended, lying effortlessly.

“He’s still a fag,” Mark muttered.

“And you should back off,” I said firmly, staring him down.

Mark rolled his eyes but stopped talking, so I turned back to face Rian.

“You’re Jack’s partner for World History. Why are you lying?” Rian hissed quietly.

I sighed, running my hand over my hair. Of course, Rian would notice my lie.

“Last night…”

I trailed off, my eyes flicking to Jack’s form. As if he could hear our conversation, Jack was staring at me sadly, almost pleading with me. I know that look. I’ve known Jack long enough to know that look. He doesn’t want me to tell Rian. Fuck. Fine.

“Last night Jack and I had an argument in the changing room, when I went back to get my keys. That’s all,” I lied.

“That’s all? Fuck, you’re acting like he shot your dog or something,” Rian snickered.

He doesn’t know the half of it.

“Just something that I can’t let go of quite yet. Clearly Jack thinks it would be better if he just sat over there for now,” I mumbled.

“Since when were Jack and Gaskarth friends anyway?” Rian frowned.

Uh…

“They’ve met when Jack comes over my house – Gaskarth lives next door,” I shrugged, yet another lie falling from my lips.

Rian stared me down, so I just picked at the fries on my plate. I’m not going to tell him Jack’s secret if Jack doesn’t want me to.

“I know you’re hiding something from me, but I’m not going to push it. Tell me when you’re ready,” Rian said softly.

“Uh, whatever,” I muttered.

Rian sighed but nodded, cracking open the top of his diet coke. Fuck you Jack, why are you making me lie?!

It took until the end of lunch for Jack to text me.

Please meet me outside the canteen J x

I sighed but looked up at him, nodding. Jack smiled in relief, leaving the room.

“I’m going to talk to Jack. Save me a seat in Biology,” I murmured to Rian.

Rian grinned and nodded, clearly relieved that I was attempted to solve ‘the argument’. Hah, if only he knew. I picked up my rucksack before leaving the canteen, spotting Jack standing close-by, leaning against a set of lockers. Fuck, he looks so scared. I’ve never seen him like this before.

“Thanks for coming out here. I didn’t think you would,” Jack mumbled, his hands clutching at the bottom of his letterman jacket.

“You’re my best friend, Jack,” I shrugged, shoving my hands in my pockets.

“Look, I’m really sorry about last night. There’s so much I need to say…”

“Jack, I really don’t want to talk about this. I know what I saw,” I groaned, interrupting.

“No, you don’t. It’s not as simple as it seems,” Jack whimpered.

“Really?” I scoffed.

Him and Alex Gaskarth are gay and fucking – what more do I need to know?!

“Please, let me explain everything,” Jack begged quietly.

I stared him down. Why is he so desperate to talk about this?

“Please,” Jack repeated, his eyes shining with tears.

I don’t want him to cry, so I sighed but nodded. I’ll give him one chance. He is my best friend after all.

“Fine. I’ll hear you out,” I grumbled.

“Thank you!” Jack squealed, throwing his arms around me.

I stiffened and gently pushed him away from me, wincing slightly at the hurt on his face.

“Not in public, Jack. I thought you of all people would understand that,” I muttered.

“Y-Yeah, I guess you’re right. Um, if it’s easier, we could go to Alex’s house after school? That way you can drive us and it’ll look like you’re just dropping Alex off? His parents know about me and him. I’ll get him to warn them that you’re coming over so we can explain,” Jack murmured.

“Yeah, sure, whatever. Um, I’m not going to tell anyone, about you, okay?” I said softly.

Jack’s face flooded with relief and he smiled. Well, at least that made me feel a little better.

“I’ll see you after school. Just be careful, alright?” I warned him.

“Thanks, Zack. This means a lot to me,” Jack said warmly.

I forced a smile on my lips in reply, my heart thumping when I heard the bell ring, signalling the end of lunch. At least I have a reason to be distracted now. I can barely think with how my head is swimming. What the fuck am I meant to do? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not homophobic, not at all – I never join in with any of the football team who bully gay students – but for Jack to be gay and for me not to realise it? I’m just a little freaked out, I guess.

I can’t imagine this ‘talk’ will ease up my freak-out either. But I’m doing this for Jack. And only for Jack.

*

“So, uh, this is my house,” Alex-I’m-A-Flamer-Gaskarth said awkwardly.

“I know. I’ve grown up next to it,” I muttered.

Alex sighed, looking up at Jack, who just looked back at him desperately. Wow, already communicating without speaking? That’s a development. How long have they been together?!

“Let’s go up to my room. My parents might bring out their how-to-accept-your-gay-son pamphlets otherwise,” Alex said, forcing a smile as he flicked his fringe out his eyes.

I just nodded, following Alex and Jack up the stairs. Huh, Alex has the same room that I do, the right top corner of the house. He and Jack sat on the messy bed, but I just sat in the chair by the desk. I do not want to sit on that bed. Fuck knows what they've done in it.

“So, uh, about last night…” Alex trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck.

“How long have you two been together?” I asked bluntly.

Both of them blushed. Lovely.

“We’re not together,” Alex said softly.

Uh, what?

“What?” I frowned.

“We’re just fucking,” Alex explained, glancing at Jack nervously.

Oh, charming.

“How long have you been fucking then?” I asked, raising my eyebrow.

“Since the beginning of Sophomore year,” Jack said, swallowing heavily.

“Did you realise you were gay long before that or…” I trailed off, sighing. This isn’t the easiest conversation for me.

“I realised I was gay at the beginning of Sophomore year. Uh, I went to a few GSA meetings, which Alex was running, and he helped me realise that being gay wasn’t a bad thing. We started sleeping together pretty soon after that. My dad caught us having sex a month into us fucking. That’s when he left. That’s why he left,” Jack said sadly.

Oh shit.

“Fuck, Jack, I’m sorry,” I grimaced.

Jack just shook his head, smiling weakly.

“It’s okay. I knew he was homophobic. I just didn’t realise he would leave mom because of it. She supports me all she can, but she gets so stressed sometimes that she says things she doesn’t mean,” Jack shrugged.

I feel like such a shitty best friend. I should’ve known all this!

“Why don’t you date each other, if you’re already fucking?” I asked, trying to change the subject.

Alex and Jack shared a small smile. Huh, inside joke I’m guessing.

“We both like other people, but they don’t like us, so we’re having sex to satisfy our needs,” Alex explained.

“Okay, too much,” I winced.

I didn’t need to know about the sex, thank you. I saw enough of that last night.

“I’m sorry, Zack. I wish I could’ve found a better way to tell you…but I’m just so scared. I can’t lose our friends, the team, the lifestyle I’ve got. I’m so fucking scared that someone will find out and make my life a living hell,” Jack whispered, his eyes filling with tears.

Fuck, is that what he really thinks will happen?

“Hey, look at me,” I soothed.

Jack did so, although he took Alex’s hand in his too.

“I will never let anyone hurt you, okay? You’re still my best friend, even if you are…gay. You’re still Jack, and that’s all that matters to me. I don’t care that you’re gay, alright? Just…don’t let me walk in on you two fucking again. Really not what I need to see,” I said firmly.

“I promise,” Jack sniffed, giggling softly.

“Thanks, Merrick. I’m used to abuse and stuff from people at school, but Jack isn’t and I really want to keep it that way. It means a lot to me that you care enough to protect him,” Alex said warmly.

“For two people that are just fucking, you seem to care a lot,” I mused.

“I didn’t have help when I came out – I don’t want anyone to go through what I did,” Alex shrugged.

Well, that’s fair enough.

“Look, um, I’ve got to get back home now. But…the two of you are free to chill out together round my house whenever you want, okay? My dad’s rarely home and my mom doesn’t come into my room without knocking. I just…I want you to know that you don’t have to hide so much anymore, okay?” I told them.

“Thanks, Zack,” Jack smiled shyly.

“No problem. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” I announced.

“Yeah, see you,” Jack nodded, Alex nodding too.

I smiled weakly, before getting out my chair and leaving the room. Grabbing my bag from the coat rack, I left my house, jumping over the fence to get to my own house.

“Hi mom, I’m home!” I called, kicking off my shoes.

“Zachary! I saw your car but you weren’t in your room – where were you?” my mom asked, frowning slightly.

“I went over to Alex Gaskarth’s next door,” I shrugged.

Why lie completely?

“I didn’t think you were friends with him,” my mom said, confused.

I shook my head. “I’m not, really. Jack did a World History project with him last year, and they hung out over the summer, so Jack and I went over for a little bit when school got out. He’s alright,”

“Well, if Jack likes spending time with him, then I’m sure he’s a lovely boy. The Gaskarth parents are a little…liberal though,”

Liberal as in…supportive of homosexuals? Nice, mom.

“Didn’t meet them. Uh, I’ve got homework to do, so I’m going up to my room,” I told her.

“Alright sweetheart, dinner will be ready at 7,” she beamed.

As always, mom, as always. I nodded and kissed her cheek before walking upstairs to my bedroom. My phone buzzed as soon as I shut my door. Jack.

I don’t know if I really said it earlier, but I really am grateful about you understanding about my secret. Really, I am. I don’t know how I’m going to repay you J x

I smiled slightly, shaking my head. Oh Jack.

What are friends for? Z