Always You

Life is not a fairytale, they will send him straight to jail where he’ll die and go to hell with
the other girl.
-The Other Girl, The Young Veins

It was an average day, an average break from tour. Jon was with his family in Chicago, Spencer with his family in Vegas, and Ryan was at home. There wasn’t anyone he cared to visit, and honestly, he just wanted to enjoy his time at home, on solid ground. He was with the only person he cared to spend time with off tour, and that’s all he really needed.

Ryan sat up in bed, pushing the sheets back, and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. The smell of bacon drifted into the room through the open door, answering his unspoken question as to why he had woken up alone. He smiled to himself softly and stepped out of bed, only to nearly trip over the clothes still strewn all over the floor, a reminder of the previous nights events.

As he slid on his pajama bottoms, the silence of the room was disrupted by a noisy vibrating sound coming from the bedside table. As Ryan looked closer, he noticed that it’s where Brendon had set his phone.

He usually wasn’t one to snoop or invade others privacy, but as he glanced at the exposed iPhone, there was one word that caught his eye.

Shane.

He furrowed his brow as he took a closer look at the first few lines of the text visible on the screen. Brendon said that he hadn’t had contact with Shane in months. Why was he texting him? It was only because of Shane’s role as the ex-boyfriend that Ryan was slightly concerned. It was only natural right?

However, it was the context of the text that seemed to have struck alarm in Ryan more then anything.

”We need to stop this. Your boy...”

Ryan furrowed his brow, as he read he words over and over, trying to talk himself out of jumping to worst case scenario.

He reached for the phone just as he heard Brendon begin to sing to himself from the kitchen, causing Ryan’s heart race to increase and his hand to become slightly hesitant.

But he reached for it anyway.

It was the only way he could give himself peace of mind.

He hit the passcode, having seen Brendon do it many times before, and was immediately brought face to face with the full text message, confirming his fears and sending his heart plummeting to his stomach.

”We need to stop this. Your boy is going to find out, and I don’t want to be the one to mess up the best damn relationship you’ve ever had. So really, that boy loves you. We shouldn’t have gone that far and did what we did. I’m not going to be the reason you loose the best thing that ever happened to you. I’m sorry”

Ryan read the text over and over, the words eating away at his brain.

He wasn’t sure if it was shock, disbelief, or denial, but somehow, he was emotionless. He was frozen for a short period of time, but then managed the thaw himself and set the phoneback on the table where it had sat previously.

...It’s not possible. Brendon wouldn’t cheat. I’m jumping to conclusions. Ryan thought to himself, even though the text had been clear. Ryan wasn’t stupid. He just didn’t want to believe it.

His heart was still in his stomach.

He noticed he was shaking.

There was a lump in his throat.

His brain hadn’t comprehended anything yet.

He decided to get out of bed and go into the kitchen.

There Brendon stood, facing the stove where he transferred the dripping bacon from the pan to a plate, still singing to himself.

Ryan took sight of this and his heart race increased.

Brendon hadn’t noticed Ryan’s presence until he sat down in what just had to be the most obnoxiously squeeky chair in the entire house.

Brendon turned to and smiled at Ryan, still singing, only this time he was holding a plate of bacon and toast. He then set it down on the table in front of him before taking the seat acrossfrom Ryan.

Ryan didn’t show any emotion. He only glanced down at the plate in front of him.

“I made you breakfast.” Brendon said, shooting him that award winning smile. Probably the one that won Ryan over in the first place.

“I see that.” Ryan mumbled, not making eye contact. “Thanks.” He mumbled again, not even lifting a hand to his food.

“Mhmm. I would join you but I have to meet up with my mom and sis for brunch, like I promised. But when I get back we can spend the entire day together.” Brendon said as he playfully placed his foot on top of Ryan’s beneath the table.

Ryan just nodded, still not making eye contact with Brendon. Instead he stared at the plate of food as if it was the most fascinating thing he’d ever seen.

Brendon, being his long term boyfriend, other half, voice to his words, etc., wasn't oblivious to the fact that there was something off about Ryan, or the fact that he was upset about something. But having learned from past experiences, he knew that it was better to not question or acknowledge it. Ryan would come to him in his own time. He just had to be there for him and give him his time and space.

So with that, Brendon stood up from the table, kissed his lover on the cheek, mumbled a sweet "I love you," then grabbed his coat and headed for the door.

The lump in Ryan's throat grew more suffocating.

He sat there for another minute staring at the food before the front door opened and closed, signaling Brendon's departure, only to open quickly once more, followed by a rush of footsteps and Brendon's voice mumbling a quick, "I forgot my phone."

Then he was gone.

He forgot his phone.

His mother fucking cellphone.

He'll probably read the text message.

Then wonder why it hadn't signaled him letting him know he had received a text from Shane the home-wrecker.

But he'll read it nonetheless, then probably feel guilty.

But what Ryan didn't know is if Brendon would just disregard it, or feel like total shit and beg Ryan for forgiveness.

Maybe he would pretend that it never happened and go back to being faithful.

Ryan really didn't know what kind of cheater Brendon was, or the circumstances.

This was a whole new concept to Ryan.

Maybe Brendon lies to him on a regular basis.

Maybe he's not really going to brunch with his mom and sis. Maybe he's going to fuck Shane again. Or maybe William Beckett for all he knew. Hell, maybe he's even fucking Pete, or Bob Morris. Maybe he's fucking Gabe too. Maybe he's fucking all of them at once.

Maybe he lied about loving Ryan, and he's just a sadistic prick who likes toying with peoples emotions.

Maybe Ryan's reading a little too into this.

Maybe he's just sexually immature. He was raised a sheltered little Mormon boy after all.

Or maybe... Maybe he's still in love with Shane.

Maybe that's why he did it.

He still loves Shane.

Maybe Shane's the only one he's been fucking behind Ryan's back.

It's almost worse to think that he's only been repeatedly fucking one, rather then dozens.

Ryan didn't move while all this flew threw his head.

But once he did, once he pictured Shane and Brendon fucking, Brendon underneath him, loosing control, being dominated, whimpering Shane's name as he came, a certain fire rushed through his veins.

He took the plate in both hands before flinging it across the kitchen, watching it hit the floor with a loud crash, the food Brendon had so thoughtfully prepared now littering the floor.

He then brought his hands up to his face, at an attempt to shield himself from the world when he felt the tears prickling at his eyes.

~*~

Everybody knows it but you.
-Everyone But You, The Young Veins

Ryan found himself sitting in the same spot crying for longer than anticipated. He wasn’t one to cry often, so when he did, you just knew that the world was coming to an end.

And in his case it was.

Eventually he found the strength to get up from his place at the god forsaken table, grab his car keys, and nearly march to his car, where he then drove a good twenty miles over the speed limit just to get to Spencer’s before he completely lost his mind.

Now was a time he couldn’t be alone.

Now he needed his best friend.

One he arrived, he attempted to pull himself together, but there was no hiding his read puffy eves and the tear stains on his own shirt. He just hoped that Spencer was home alone. He didn’t want anyone else to witness him like this.

But to his luck, Haley answered the door, not Spencer.

She mumbled an "Oh dear" before calling Spencer and inviting Ryan in, and sitting him down on the couch.

"Can I get you anything?" She asked. Ryan shook his head, and she touched his shoulder before moving to the next room to give him privacy.

One Spencer walked in and took in his best friends appearance, he immediately rushed to his side asking him what happened.

"Did you and Brendon get in another fight?" he asked. Ryan had come to Spencer before after intense arguments, (which seemed to have been happening a lot lately) but he had never come to him crying.

Ryan attempted to wipe his tears, keeping his head low, no making eye contact.

He then sniffed before attempting to form words.

"Brendon cheated on me." He mumbled.

Spencer sighed before quietly cursing to himself.

"Oh.. Man, I'm sorry. I..." He tried, but trailed off, not sure what to say. Ryan nodded, accepting it as something. "You want to stay here for a bit?" He offered.

"I don't know." Ryan choked. "I'm not going back there."

"Then you're staying here." Spencer said. "I'll set up the guest room. Do you need anything?"

"No, it's okay." he mumbled. Spencer nodded, and patted him on the back comfortingly before getting up and making his way into the kitchen.

Ryan sat there with his head in his hands, trying not to eavesdrop on Spencer and Haley's hushed conversation, but ended up doing it anyway.

Haley sounded somewhat upset, and Spencer sounded angry. No doubt they were discussing Ryan's situation.

Ryan couldn't hear much, but he did hear when Spencer said, "I knew this would happen. I told Brendon to knock it off before he hurt Ryan, but no one ever listens to me, and now look what happened." Followed by Haley's soothing whisper, and warning to keep it down.

Well great. Spencer knew. Everyone else probably knew too. Everyone but Ryan, and no one told him. This really wasn't helping the situation.

Once Spencer came back into the room, Ryan felt overcome with anger once again, but only hid himself in his hands.

"Hey Ry, I-"

"You knew." Ryan cut him off accusingly. "You fucking knew he was cheating on me, and you didn't do shit." Now Ryan was glaring at Spencer.

Spencer was slightly taken aback, not expecting the accusation, and not sure how to react.

"You... You heard that." Spencer stated. "I'm sorry Ryan." He said. "I really am, but what was I supposed to do?"

"You could have fucking sat me down and told me, so I wouldn't have had to find out by reading a fucking text message from the mother fucking home-wrecker!" Ryan exclaimed, clearly angry. "Does everyone else know?" He asked.

Spencer hesitated before answering. "...Uh, yeah. Pretty much. But-"

"Great. So I was the only one who didn't know. Fuck. Fuck this shit." He cursed standing up abruptly and heading for the door.

"Ryan, no one said anything because they didn't want to hurt you. I wanted to tell you but-"

"Bullshit!" Ryan exclaimed, cutting him off again. "You knew and you didn't do shit because you were scared. I don't give a fuck if you wanted to, the fact is you didn't. Some friend, Spencer."

"Ryan, will you knock it off! You're overreacting!" Spencer raised his voice, getting defensive now. "I know you're upset but-"

"Fuck this! Fuck you. I'm leaving."

"Where are you going to go?!" Spencer ask-yelled.

"I don't know. Maybe I'll stay with an actual friend." Ryan spat before storming out of and slamming the door.

~*~

And I meant everything I said that night.
The Calendar - Panic! at the Disco.

Somehow Ryan found himself back at his place. There was a familiar car parked in the driveway, which meant Brendon was back already.

That was a quick brunch.

Against his own better judgement, Ryan decided to face this head on.

He was still angry form his encounter with Spencer, so this probably wasn't the best idea at the moment, but he didn't care. He was going to confront the situation.

He marched into the house, and there Brendon sat, looking all relaxed on the couch in front of the television.

Ryan slammed the door on the way in, and immediately marched into his room. He then grabbed a suitcase out of the closet and threw it on his bead, stuffing it with whatever he felt necessary.

Brendon, concerned for his boyfriend, ran into the room to see if he was alright.

"Ryan, what's the matter? Where are you going?" Brendon asked, taking note of the fact that Ryan was packing his large suitcase.

"I'm going to Chicago." Ryan mumbled.

"Why? What's going on? Are you going by yourself?" Brendon asked, clearly confused.

"Yes I'm going by myself, but don't worry, I'm sure Shane will keep you company." Ryan spat, looking for his god damn jacket.

Brendon furrowed his brow. "What are you talking about?" Brendon asked, playing innocent.

Ryan then dropped the articles of clothing he held in his hand carelessly, and stormed towards Brendon angrily and a bit frighteningly.

Brendon's eyes widened. He'd never seen Ryan this angry. He was a bit scared.

Ryan got closer, and Brendon took a couple steps back.

"Don't fucking play stupid! You've been fucking around behind my back, you fucking cheated on me, with your mother fucking ex-boy friend. And don't you dare deny it." Ryan was shouting and pointing in accusal.

Brendon, shocked and at a lost for words, had a hard time comprehending the words. Though eventually he was able to spit out, “W-What?”

“You fucking heard me.” Ryan stated, raising his voice. “Don’t you dare fucking deny it. I know.”

Brendon paused again, trying to find the right words to say. Too bad there weren’t any in this case.

“I...I mean... How did you find out?” He finally muttered, sounding not only confused, but upset.

Ryan sighed and shook his head, taking a step back. “If it matters, I saw the text from your little home-wrecker, then a trip to Spencer’s confirmed it.” He spat going to grab his suitcase off the bed.

“You read my text messages?” Brendon asked, sounding shocked.

“That’s hardly the worse crime here.” Ryan spat, still looking for his god damn jacket.

Brendon followed him back over towards the bed, attempting to get his attention by grabbing his arm.

Ryan shook him off. “Don’t fucking touch me.” He spat.

“Ryan...” Brendon tried, but Ryan ignored him. “Ryan! Come on! listen to me please!” Brendon exclaimed, starting to sound desperate.

“Why? I don’t care about your fucking excuses.” Ryan said.

“Ryan please, I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I-”

He was cut off by Ryan brushing past him, exiting the room.

“Ryan!” He then exclaimed, chasing after him. “Ryan stop!”

“Why?” Ryan said, swinging around to face him. “So you can make up some pathetic excuse, and I’ll pretend to listen? I’ll just end up leaving anyway.”

“Ryan please, you have to understand. Those people meant nothing-”

“Oh so there was more then one? Well that’s just great-”

“Ryan! Let me finish. Yes there was. But it meant absolutely nothing. It was just, I love you, Ryan. You’re my best friend and I love you. Even though we fight sometimes, I just... I’m so sorry. I’m such a fucking idiot.” Brendon pleaded.

“You’re only sorry because you got caught.” Ryan stated. “If you really loved me then you wouldn’t have done it in the first place.”

“Ryan I do love you. More then anything. It’s just, when we would fight, or when you were gone and I felt lonely, it’s just I don’t know. It just happened. But it meant nothing. Ryan, you’re the only one I care about.”

“Then why did you do it? If you really cared about me then you wouldn’t have given into temptation, because this kind of thing never stays a secret. I would have found out eventually.”

“Ryan, I’m fucking stupid. I didn’t think about the conciquences, I just did it. but I felt like shit every time. You have to understand-”

“Do you still love him?” Ryan asked, cutting him off again.

“What?” Brendon asked, confused.

“You fucked Shane. Do you still love him?” Ryan put bluntly.

“Of course not! He means nothing to me. Ryan I love you.”

“Then why?” Ryan asked, his voice close to pleading.

“I don’t know!” Brendon exclaimed, tears running down his face. “I don’t know. I don’t fucking know. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s a little late for apologies.” Ryan nearly deadpanned.

“Ryan,” The tears poured down his face, and he was close to sobbing. “Ryan, I love you more then anything. I would do anything for you, I would die for you. You don’t understand how much I love you. I mean all of this. I can’t live with out you Ryan. Please, don’t leave me...”

“You’re making a fool of yourself.” Ryan stated, holding back more tears of his own.

“I don’t care. You need to know how I feel-”

“What about how I feel, huh?” Ryan raised his voice again. “You cheated on me, several times nonetheless, and just expect me to forgive and forget? It doesn’t fucking work like that.”

Brendon looked down at his feet and nodded, mumbling one more, “I’m sorry.”

And with that, Ryan picked up his suitcase again and walked out the door, mumbling, “I don’t know when, or if I’m coming back.”