Some People Stay

The last thing Amelia wanted to do today was go to see a therapist. She couldn’t understand how talking to someone was supposed to make everything better when her husband had just died. But, Bridget wasn’t letting it go, and she knew the only way to get her to quit badgering her was to just go to see a psychiatrist. So, that’s exactly what she was doing.

Bridget had told her that this was supposedly supposed to be the best psychiatrist in the area and that Jonathan had actually been the one to find her. Amelia didn’t know how she felt about Jonathan knowing that she was going to see a psychiatrist. She didn’t exactly want this to be public knowledge, but maybe Jonathan really was concerned about her after all. She guessed she would find out the truth about that sooner or later.

She took a look in the mirror, really looking at herself for the first time in nearly a week and a half. She looked different than what she remembered, though that wasn’t that big of a shock to her. She looked thinner in the face and the body, and she just looked tired. She used to care more about how she looked before she went out in public, but in that short period of time, she had just given up on her appearance. She tried again today, but she found that she just didn’t care like she had before David had died.

Still, she had put some makeup on, and she had tried to at least find clothes that were clean, which was a change from the huge t-shirts and sweatpants she had been wearing at home. She heard the front door open, and she assumed it was Bridget, there to drive her to her appointment. Amelia wasn’t sure why Bridget needed to drive her, but she didn’t have enough energy to fight with her sister on that point.

She walked downstairs, hearing Bridget’s voice, and at first she thought she was talking to her, but she soon realized that she was on the phone. “Yeah, I’ll call you later and let you know how everything went,” Bridget said. “Thanks again,” she added before hanging up the phone.

Bridget turned around to see Amelia standing there, and she smiled at her sister. “Who was that?” Amelia inquired.

“Just Jon,” Bridget said, quickly changing subjects. “You ready to go?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Amelia told her. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Thank you for going, Amelia. I want you to know how much it means to me,” Bridget said, leading the way out of the house.

Amelia followed her, getting into the passenger’s seat, her mind going back eight years to the first time Amelia had gotten into the passenger’s seat with her sister driving, the day that Bridget had gotten her driver’s license. She had idolized Bridget back then, and she still did today, always looking up to her big sister.

Bridget looked over at her sister, seeing a dazed look on her face. “What are you thinking about?” she asked her.

“Nothing,” Amelia shook her head, looking out the window as Bridget got onto the highway. She continued to look out the window until they arrived at the psychiatrist’s office twenty minutes later. Amelia was dreading this, and she really didn’t want to get out of the car, but she knew she had no choice. She slowly got out of the vehicle with Bridget meeting her on her side of the car.

“I really think this is going to help you,” Bridget told her, but Amelia didn’t know if she was right. But, she couldn’t turn away now. She had to go to this appointment for Bridget.

The two sisters walked into the office, and Amelia filled out some paperwork before she was called back to the room to see the therapist. “I’ll be right here waiting for you,” Bridget smiled up at her, and Amelia simply nodded, following the psychiatrist back to her office.

When Amelia walked in the room, she expected for the psychiatrist to tell her to lay down on a couch and tell discuss her feelings. However, that was not what happened at all. She sat down in a comfortable chair across from a woman in her late thirties who grabbed her glasses off of the top of her head and put them on, looking down at the paper before her, a pen in her hand. “Amelia, I’m Dr. Carly Sullivan. You can call me Carly,” the psychiatrist introduced herself. “So, tell me why you’re here today.”

“My husband died,” Amelia stated. “A week ago,” she added as Carly began writing things down on the paper in front of her. Amelia tried to see what exactly she was writing, but she couldn’t read it from the angle she was sitting at.

“And, how are you feeling about that?”

Amelia could have slapped the older woman for asking that. How was she feeling? How did she think she was feeling? “Not so good,” Amelia replied, and she could tell that Carly was waiting on her to expand on that statement. “He was my husband,” she continued, feeling awkward telling a complete stranger about this. “The love of my life. And, I miss him. A lot.”

“How have your relationships with the other people in your life been since then?” Carly asked. “Do you have anyone close to you?”

“My sister, Bridget.”

“And, how has your relationship with Bridget been since the death?” Carly asked, and just from the word ‘death’, Amelia thought she was going to start crying, something she didn’t want to do anymore, let alone in front of the therapist.

Amelia took a deep breath, trying to prevent the tears from falling. “Okay, I guess. I don’t think she really gets what it’s like to lose someone. I think she thinks I should be just fine. She’s the one that wanted me to come here today. She doesn’t think I’m okay.”

“What do you mean by that? Why doesn’t she think that you’re okay?”

“She thinks I’m going to kill myself,” Amelia said very bluntly.

“And are you going to kill yourself?” Carly replied with the same bluntness.

Amelia stared at her for a moment, surprised she straight out asked her about committing suicide. “No,” Amelia said the one syllable lowly.

“Have you thought about it?” Carly continued, and Amelia wished she had never agreed to go to counseling. Amelia continued to stare at her. “Have you?” she repeated.

She thought about lying to her. It’s not like she ever promised to tell this stranger the truth. But, Amelia knew that there was no point in lying. Bridget had wanted her to come here because she was truly worried about her, and she was going to continue through this appointment for her sister. “Yes,” she answered honestly.

“Do you have a plan on how you want to do it?” Carly asked.

“No,” Amelia told her. “I’m not actually going to go through with it or anything.”

“But, you’ve thought about it?”

“Yes,” Amelia stated. “I don’t want to live without David. I would prefer to be with him right now.”

“But, you say you’re not going to go through with suicide?”

Amelia cringed a little at the word. She had never thought of herself as suicidal, and she still didn’t. Just because she had wanted to die didn’t mean she was actually going to do anything about it. “No,” Amelia assured her. “I’m not going to do anything. I couldn’t do that to Bridget. I know she’d be devastated,” she said, thinking about her sister and knowing that if anything happened to her, Bridget would be upset.

“So you’re doing it for her?” Carly asked, and Amelia nodded her head. “And what about you? Take your sister and everyone else out of the picture. Are you not going to do anything because that’s what you want? Are you doing it for yourself?”

Amelia hadn’t really thought about it before. Was she doing it for herself? If no one else was involved, would she choose to stay alive? Or would she give up just to be with David? She slowly shook her head. “If it wasn’t for anybody else, no, I wouldn’t want to stay alive. I’d want to be with David. If it wasn’t for Bridget, I probably wouldn’t be here right now.”

“How does that make you feel?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Amelia shook her head.

“Why doesn’t that matter?” Carly inquired.

“All that matters is that I’m not going to do anything to hurt myself. That’s why I’m here. Bridget’s worried that I’m going to kill myself. So, we’ve determined that I’m not going to do that, so you can report back to her that all is fine.”

“Amelia, I won’t be reporting anything to anyone. What you say in here is confidential. And, while you may think that you’re only here to prove to your sister that you’re not going to kill yourself, I think we’re here for another reason. For you. Amelia, you’re going to get out of this as much as you want to put in. So, if you don’t want to say anything, and you want to sit here in complete silence, then that’s your choice, and you will walk out of here feeling the same way you walked in here. But, if you want to open up just a little bit, maybe we can get through some of the things you are dealing with. It’s up to you, Amelia.”

Amelia was quiet for a moment, not knowing if she wanted to open up to Carly. But, then she thought about what she had just said: she was going to get out of it as much as she was putting into it. Amelia was a complete mess right now. What did she have to lose at this point?