All or Nothing

I stood out in the parking lot, arms wrapped around myself. The sky was dark, and there were badly parked cars scattered all over the student parking area. I shivered, looking around anxiously.

Finally, I saw Alex's car drive into the parking lot. He was sitting in the driver's seat, staring straight ahead, with a stone cold look on his face. I walked over, heard a click that signaled he had unlocked the door and got in.

"Thanks, Alex..." I said, pulling the seat belt over my chest, and pushing my bangs from my eyes. He looked over briefly, and nodded. I cleared my throat.

The tension in the car was ridiculous, and I was just bursting to say something, anything. He looked at me, brown eyes wide, and my heart leaped. I bit down on my lip, wishing he would stop looking at me like that, stop pulling needingly on my heart. I couldn't have these feelings for him. I just couldn't.

"What's wrong?" He asked quietly."

"I got sick." I said, tearing my eyes away from him. I could feel his eyes staring right through me, and I wondered if he could see the walls I was quickly building to keep him out. Part of me hoped he would.

"Shitty." He said, sighing. I hadn't seen him crack even the slightest smile, and it worried me.

"Alex?"

"Uh huh?"

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" He said, looking confused. "For what?"

"That night."

His face softened, and he looked over at me, his eyes displaying something I couldn't place. "You don't have to apologize for that. Why would you even think you had too?"

Suddenly, the tears came. Hot and fast, rolling down my cheeks.

"Autumn... Autumn, are you okay?! What's wrong?"

I felt the car veer to the left, and then stop. "Autumn!"

"I can't tell you Alex, that's the thing..." I sobbed. "I can't tell anyone."

I felt his arms snake around my waist, hand cradling the back of my head. He murmured reassurances, and I felt a familiar doused spark, the dull ache of heart break. A sudden sharp pain of fear, not only for the current situation we were in, but simply, it would be so easy for him to let go of what happened. He was my first, the only person I let that close... I started to feel a sneaking suspicion it wasn't just the alcohol in my blood.

But I couldn't care for Alex. I couldn't. He was my friend. He was my best friend's boyfriend.

I continued crying into his shoulder, and smelling his cologne. I was sort of debating whether or not to tell him. Maybe, he could help me. Hell, what if he could save me?

"Alex..." I mumbled, tearing away from him. He looked right at me, wiping the moisture off my cheeks with his thumb. He nodded, looking at my expectantly. "Alex, I'm pregnant."

I couldn't bare to look at him, but when I adverted my eyes, I could still feel his fearful stare. His arms were still draped around me, and I felt them loosen. "Autumn..." He choked out, and I finally looked up at him. He looked so helpless, and I felt bad, even though I knew I shouldn't have.

"I'm sorry...Alex... I'm so sorry."

He didn't say anything after that, and neither did I. His arms tightened around me, and my head fell to his shoulder. I gripped him just as tight as he did me, and I could feel myself drowning in the fucked up mistake we'd made, but at the same time, I couldn't feel anything.

All I knew was that I was in his arms, and that was as closest feeling of home I'd ever get.