All or Nothing

The drive home was silent, and uncomfortable. Alex kept glancing over at me, and I kept wiping tears from my already red and swollen eyes. There was only so much he could do at that point. He'd comforted me, listened, and now... Now, I expected nothing more from him.

He pulled into my driveway, and shut off the car. I looked around my front yard, noticing my Mom's car was no longer here. I was home alone.

"Alex...Thank you." I said, unbuckling my seat belt. I really didn't know what else to say.

"Could I come in?" He asked abruptly, his knuckles turning white from his grip on the steering wheel. Apparently, he'd noticed my Mom wasn't home either.

"Yeah, sure..." I said nervously, opening the car door, and getting out. Alex followed quickly behind, as I wandered to my front door, and into the house. I hated how I had no idea what he was thinking. I hated knowing we'd messed up this bad.

He kicked off his shoes, and I gingerly took mine off. He followed me silently to my room, and sat on my bed. "So..." I started.

He stared at the wall, seemingly examining the pictures of the three of us. Alex, Lisa, and I. "So." He said.

"I guess this is the part where we have 'the dreaded conversation'." I said, laughing weakly. Alex flashed me a small smile.

"I guess so." He said with a sigh, rubbing his temples. "How long have you known?" He asked.

"About a month, give or take." I said, sighing.

"Are you sure it's mine?"

"You're the only person I've ever had sex with." I said bluntly, curling my knees to my chest.

His eyes were wide, and he nodded. "What are we going to do?" He asked. "Or...I guess, what are you going to do? I don't really have a say in this..."

I bit my lip, inching a bit closer to Alex. He looked at me with such fear in his eyes, more than I'd ever seen in him before. Fear, and something else I couldn't place. "Alex... I've thought about it a lot... and... and I want to keep it." I said barely above a whisper. He watched me intently, but I didn't meet his gaze. It was too painful.

Suddenly, I felt his warm hands cover mine. "Hey..." He said softly, and I looked up, finally. His big brown eyes gazed gently into mine, and despite the awful situation, I immediately melted. "If you want to keep it, then I'm okay with that."

I smiled. "I love you." I said under my breath. I'd said that to him dozens of time, thinking nothing of it. I mean, he was one of my best friends... but it was taking on a whole new meaning now.

"I love you too." He said softly, still holding onto my hands. "I... have you told Lisa about... not about that night, but about.."

"Lisa doesn't know anything. I don't know if I can do that to her, you know? I can't... tell her. Yet."

He let go of my hands, and breathed out deeply, running his fingers through his hair. "Autumn... I can't...deal with this anymore tonight. I need to think about this more." He said, hesitating slightly before standing up. I stared up at him, wide-eyed. He turned and started heading for the door. With every step farther away from me he took, I could hear my heart beat pick up.

"Alex..." I mumbled, and he turned looking at me. His face had remnants of facial hair, and his hair was unruly. He looked...adorable. "Can you... stay? We don't have to talk about anything. Can you stay with me?"

His stressed out expression softened, and he simply nodded, stepping over to me, and laying down on my bed. I curled up into his chest, and he gingerly wrapped his arms around my waist. We were quiet for a moment, and that was okay. He smelled of cologne, and heat emanated from his body. I ran my hand over his arms, gingerly feeling his biceps. I looked up, our eyes meeting briefly.

"Autumn...I..." His eyes scanned my body briefly. I wasn't sure what he was thinking, and I longed to know. I wished he'd tell me everything that crossed his mind. "This is... so..."

"I know." I responded before he could even finish. Sure, we'd cuddled tons of times before. It was never really a big deal. "Even though... we're gonna be, you know, parents... We can't ever do what we did again. I can't hurt Lisa like that." Again...

"Not even a kiss..." He said in a hoarse whisper, his finger tips trailing along the small of my back. I tried to ignore how undeniably sexy it was.

"Never." I whispered back. He smiled, and nodded. "What are you thinking?" I asked.

"I'm thinking...I'm thinking I'm scared. I'm thinking I'm going to be here no matter what. I'm thinking I love Lisa, and I don't know what to do. I'm thinking about how god damn attracted to you I am." He bit down on his lip, hard. It looked like it hurt, almost. "What are you thinking about?"

"I'm thinking about if I'm doing the right thing. I'm thinking about Lisa. I'm thinking about that night. I'm... thinking about how attracted to me you just said you are." I said. My heart was going a mile a minute, and I didn't like it. I hated this sexual tension, because it was so horribly forbidden. Last time I gave in to it, I got pregnant. It couldn't be worth it.

"Why is this so difficult?" He groaned.

Everything about this situation was wrong. He was my best friend's boyfriend, I was a minor, and we had an amazing friendship that could be ruined by what was happening right now.

But I think, in that moment, neither of us really cared.

We sighed simultaneously, and then we were quiet for what seemed like forever. I nuzzled into his neck, and he started softly singing in my ear. I always asked him to sing for me, and he only did when we were alone. This was the first time without me asking.

He mumbled Coffee Shop Soundtrack to me, and my eyes starting slowly closing. I could see him smiling when I opened my eyes for a second, and I smiled too.

"I can keep a secret if you can keep me guessing, the flavor of your lips is enough to keep me here..." He sang, and I opened my eyes to see his gazing into mine.

Within that very second, his lips were on mine, yet again. A kiss we'd promised each other and ourselves would never happen, and yet we were engaged in it willingly, and lovingly.

And, I had no regrets.