Clear as Day

I still couldn’t believe it. I’m still in shock. It’s been a year without her. A year without my best friend watching me play the sport we both loved. She wasn’t here watching me finally playing in the NHL with Eric none the less. No, she wasn’t here at all. I looked at the picture on my desk and smiled. Marc had taken it the night of the big win and party we had here on the farm. That was the night Samantha and I became official. I grabbed a piece of paper and began writing.

“I remember the day we became official like it was yesterday. I had just played my final game of the season and we came out with a victory. Dan had brought you to watch and when I came out of the locker room you were just sitting there, smiling at me. I wanted to stop by and say hi, but I had to head back to the farm for the party we were throwing. As I walked by, you gave me a tiny wave and said one simple word. “Hey”

I tossed a smile in your direction and sent you a text about the party. I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t sure if you were going to show up. I had had the biggest crush on you for the longest time, but never had the guts to do anything about it. This was my first big move. I was hoping it wouldn’t ruin the friendship that we had. Those worries I had? Yeah, they all went out the window the minute I opened the door and your arms were around my neck.

“I love watching you play, Jared. You guys had a great game tonight” You had whispered in my ear.

You had no idea how those words made me feel.

I sit here and I can still hear the noise of the party, the smell of the bon fire that Jordy had started in the backyard. I can still smell your perfume as you hugged me. I remember every detail of that night.

As the party continued to get larger and it got later at night, I pulled you to the porch with me. Your cheeks were flushed from the heat inside and I knew the cool air had to feel as good to you as it did to me. We stood in silence for a long period of time before either of us moved or said anything.

“Sam, I want you to have this.” I had told you, pulling my class ring out of my pocket. The way your eyes lit up will forever be with me. Without a word, I had spun you around and undid the clasp of your necklace that I had gotten you two birthdays back, and slid my ring next to it. “There.” I smiled. “Will you be my girlfriend?” I was so nervous to ask you that question, because like I said before. I didn’t want it to ruin our friendship.

Your response was so unexpected. You pushed me up against the side of the house and kissed me like I’ve never been kissed before. I was on cloud nine all night long. I can still feel your lips on mine from that night. We were attached to each other for the rest of the night. Just laughing and having a great time.

The party was winding down and your brother had shown up to take you home. I didn’t want you to leave, but I knew your parents and I didn’t want you to get in trouble. I walked you to his truck and kissed you one last time.

“I’ll call you tomorrow.” You yelled as you climbed into the passenger seat.

“I’ll be waiting” I smiled. I was so corny then

Little did I know that I wouldn’t be getting that call. I’d be getting a different one. One that changed my life. You were gone.”

I put my pen down and looked at the picture again. I knew I had tears running down my face, I didn’t care. I was still coping with her loss. I really did like Samantha, she and I had been great friends, best friends, growing up. We did everything together. With a sigh, I picked my pen up again.

“Samantha, it’s been a year since you’ve been gone. A year since our first and last kiss. I can still remember those moments we shared together and I sit here wishing we had more. I know I never said it that night, and I’ve been wanting to say it to you for years, but never had the guts. I love you, Samantha. And even though you aren’t with me anymore. I still love you. You will always be my best friend and my lover. I just wanted to tell you that. Also everything we’ve done together, I remember it clear as day.

I love you Sam with all my heart. I know you’re up there looking down on me and the rest of the guys. I miss you and wish you were still here with me. Love you.

Love always, Jared.”

I put my pen down one last time and folded up the piece of paper. I set my head on the desk and cried. I was never going to get over her. I knew my family was worried about me, especially Eric and Tanya who have witnessed my break downs every once in a while. I was in love with her, losing the woman you love is never easy and no matter how many times people say it gets easier, they lie. It doesn’t.

With a deep breath, I got out of my seat and went to the bath room where I splashed cold water on my face. Once I was done with that I grabbed the flower and letter off my desk and made my way down to the garage. No bothered me as I walked through the house, they knew I needed my space. The drive was silent, I didn’t have the radio on anything. I kept thinking that I was going to pick Samantha up for our one year anniversary, not driving to the cemetery. When I pulled into the parking lot, I shut the engine off and sat behind the wheel. I stared out the windshield to where she was buried. I got out of the car, grabbing the flowers and letter before locking it up.

The walk to her grave seemed to take forever. My mind was racing, it couldn’t process what was going on. I could feel her walking next to me, I could smell her perfume, I could hear her laugh as I told her a corny joke. My mind was making coping harder on myself. I arrived at her grave and all but collapsed on the ground in front of hear headstone.

“Hey Sam. Happy one year.” Happy one year? What the hell was I thinking? “Uhh, yeah no that’s not what I meant to say. Well actually it is, I just wish I didn’t have to say it this way.” I gulped and placed the flowers next to the ones her parents and brother had dropped off earlier. “I see your family has been by already. I haven’t seen much of them because I’ve been busy down in Raleigh. You’ll be happy to know, I’m finally in the big leagues now, playing on the same team as Eric and playing against Marc and Jordan. It’s great.” I took a deep breath. “I miss you at me games. I miss greeting you out in the parking lot after the games. A lot like that night a year ago. It’s still clear as day. I can tell you what you were wearing and everything.” I laid my hand on her headstone. “God, Sam I miss you so much. Everyday I think I’m getting better, but then I see things that remind me of you and I go to pick up my phone to call you but then I remember you aren’t going to pick up.” Tears trickled down my face, but I could care less.

“Everybody back home misses you too. Tanya is pregnant again and Marc and Lindsay finally got married. It was a beautiful wedding, Marc is so happy. Won’t be long before they are having a baby. Parker is getting so big, you should see him! Eric has started teaching him how to skate, it’s the cutest thing ever. He’s going to be such a great hockey player.” I continued to talk to Sam until the sun went down. I needed to get home before mom started worrying.

I stood up and placed a kiss on the headstone, much like I would on Sam’s forehead. “I love you, Sam. I will never forget you. You are always in my heart.” With one last look around, I made my way back to the truck and home.

That night is still Clear as Day