Behind These Hazel Eyes

It felt like if only yesterday we were still together. As if yesterday we were still holding hands, cuddling together, stealing kisses to eachother, spending nights together, watching the sunset, smiling.. being happy. But it was only a feeling. It has already been 3 months since Gerard and I had broken up. They have been the worst 3 months of my life by far. I still love him. How could I not? I mean, he has perfect pale skin, raven black hair, soft hands, amazing voice when he's singing, velvet voice when he's talking.. perfect body, perfect lips, and my favourite part of his body were his eyes. A perfect shade of hazel. He had the most beautiful, intense eyes I've ever seen in my life. His eyes, his hazel eyes.. they were always full of love. Now.. I honestly don't know. I don't dare to look into his eyes again.
The first week after we broke up, I've always looking into them, and it always brought tears to my eyes. I didn't want him to see me crying everytime, I didn't want him to see me in that state, so I've become to the point that he won't get to see the tears I cry. Never again.

-

Monday, first day of another terribly week. I look as always.. some jeans, some shirt, a big hoodie, Chuck Taylors, messy hair, dark circles under my eyes, bloodshot eyes, some cuts in my wrists.. nothing special. I stopped caring about my appearance after we broke up.

Fortunately, Mikey was always there by my side. He never left me alone. Even when I yelled at him or punched him, he stayed there conforting me everyday. He's the bestest friend in the world and I love him to death. Not in the way I love Gerard though.. but still.

As I approached the Way's house, I lowered my head. I didn't want to have to knock on the door and run the risk of Gerard being the one who opens the door. It happened once and it was awkward no, the next. Everything was tense, I didn't look up at his eyes, he just scratched the back of his neck. He always did this when he was uncomfortable or nervous. I know him pretty well. But anyways.. when I asked for Mikey and he disappeared to call him, I broke into tears.

But for my lucky, just a moment before all my hopes crashed down, the front door opened and Mikey walked out. I sighed in relief, only to be replaced by a sharp pain in my chest when I saw Gerard walking behind him. I looked at my shoes, stopping myself to let out a sob and start crying in the middle of the street. Mikey should've noticed that, because he ran towards me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

“He's not coming with us, don't worry” He whispered. I nodded and we began walking, his arm never letting go of my shoulders.
_{(Ok so, I don't really like writing this but for not confuse you: Frank doesn't see this, but you need to know it^^)}
Mikey turned his head at Gerard and shot him a death glare, making Gerard low his head and got into his car, driving off to school.

Mikey knew that after all these months, I've never moved on. I still loved Gerard beyond the infinite, but he never got angry at me because of that. He was the shoulder I could cry on. He always tried to make me smile, but I never felt like smiling, and it made him sad. I felt sorry for him, I know he's upset because I'm like that and he can't do anything, and I hope I could forget about this and be happy, but I couldn't help but be depressed. Still, he understood me.

-

We made it to our lockers that fortunately were together, and unfortunately, mine was next to Gerard's, but he arrived here before Mikey and I did, so I wouldn't see him. Then I remembered what was my first class. Art. No Mikey, yes Gerard. I sighed and Mikey looked at me, placing a hand in my shoulder.

“You'll be fine, I know it” He smiled slightly “and if you don't, just go to the bathroom and text me okay? I'll go as fast as I can” He gave me a hug. I nodded and sniffled, I don't know if I'll be able to walk in the classroom and ignore the fact that he's there, and he can see how much of a mess am I.
“Okay” I mumbled “See you later Mikey” I said and the bell rang.
“Later Frankie” He said and we started walking in opposite directions. Well, he was like running, I was dragging my feet in a slow pace.

I don't know how much did it took me to get to class, but I knew for a fact that I was late. When I opened the door the teacher looked at me, and I felt all the class looking at me.

“Mr. Iero you're late” I looked up at him and his facial expression changed quickly, from one annoyed to one worried. He sighed “Take a seat, please”
I nodded and lowered my head, walking to the corner in the back and sat in an empty seat.

The teacher explained something in the board, and after that he gave us some homework to do, but I just couldn't do it. I covered my face with my hands and closed my eyes. I felt again a pair of eyes burning on me, but I guess it was someone thinking about how emo and depressed I looked. Before.. everything happened.. I was the happy and hyperactive kid, the one who didn't give a shit about what the teachers said, but had good marks. Now I didn't even pay attention in class, and I think I even forgot the meaning of the word homework.

A few moments later, everyone was doing their homework, and I felt a hand rubbing circles in my back. I jumped slightly at the sudden contact and placed my hands in the table. I looked up and met my teacher's worried face, he leaned a bit.

“Frank, you've been this way almost 4 months. I thought at first you were into drugs or something, really. But now, you don't only have bloodshot eyes. No. Now you have cuts in your wrists, circles under your eyes, you stopped paying attention in class, and you don't do your homework anymore” He sighed “And there's one more thing..” He trailed off. I looked at my hands and tried to hide my wrists the more as I could with my sleeves “Frank, you've been crying a lot of days in class” He was talking in a low voice. This way, we both were the only who could hear the conversation. I personally didn't need people knowing about my cuts and my cries.
“No I don't..” I lied.
“Don't try to deny it, I saw you” He sighed again “I saw you more than one or two days” Shit.. “Are you OK Frank?”

Now, if I were in a good mood, I would reply something like 'Yes, of course. I spend my time crying and cutting myself because I still love my ex-boyfriend and I can't sleep because I have nightmares but hey, I'm OK, I only do it because I like it' but I wasn't going to. And yes, I had cried in class, but I thought no one had seen me.. I mean, they were silent tears and my head was sometimes lowered.. other times I covered it with my hands. But I guess I was wrong.

“Um, no.. I'm not okay..” I frowned. I didn't fancy the fact that a teacher was asking me about my problems, and the fact that if everyone was silent, they could perfectly hear us.
“You wanna talk about it?”
“Not really..” I grabbed a pen and started passing it through my fingers.
“Well, I think it's the best for you if you talk about it with someone” Maybe.. “Stay five minutes after class, ok? I'm sure this will be between me and you.” He said a bit louder, getting up. I sighed. I guess he's right, so I nodded.

-

Fourty minutes after the talk, the bell rang and everyone rushed out of the room, leaving a few students, Gerard and me in there. I was still in my seat. I didn't dare to look up and meet his hazel eyes. I don't know what he was doing, but I wanted to know. Even though, I still didn't look up. I expected him to leave soon.
The teacher left some minutes ago because he had some things to do. He told me he was going to be back in less than fifteen minutes. I hope so.

Everything went silent a moments later, so I guess I was alone. I sniffled and got up, grabbing my things and heading to the teacher's desk.
That was it, I was going to talk to someone about Gerard again. I haven't talked about it in months, I have only told my mom and Mikey, and it was the same day or some days after we broke up.

I already felt the tears coming to my eyes. I tried to fight them but they fell. I wiped them with the sleeve of my hoodie quickly, only to be replaced by new ones. I was too focused in wiping them and sniffling that I didn't hear someone say “Fuck it” and the brief sound of a chair being dragged.
I was suddenly turned around. Someone cupped my face with their hands and pressed their lips against mine. It all happened so fast, I couldn't even see who was the person, so I stood there froze.
Maybe it's just me and my infinite love for him, but I swear this person smelled like him.
They pulled away and rested their forehead against mine. I opened my eyes slowly, only to be greeted by the beautiful hazel eyes that I missed so badly. It was my Gerard.

“Frankie.. I'm so, so, sorry..” He mumbled “I love you so much, I've never wanted to let you go.. never” He wrapped his arms around my waist, while my hands rested on his chest.
“Why did you leave me then..” I said in return, chocking out a little at the end of the sentence, feeling the tears coming to my eyes, again. I just let them fall.
“You deserved to be happy.. I'm not the best for you, you deserved, and deserve someone better than me” He wiped my tears out with his thumb gently “I thought you were going to be better without me..”
“That will never happen” I said tugging on his shirt “I've been so miserable without you..”

“I know baby” He pulled me close to him “I'm so sorry.. They have been the worst months of my life..” I looked deep into his eyes, they were as intense as always.
“I love you Gee” I closed my eyes “Don't leave me again..”
“Never again. I promise” I opened my eyes and saw him smiling “I love you too” I searched for any sign of lie, but I couldn't see anything but love behind these hazel eyes.