I See Your Name in Lights

I quickly learned that ‘practice’ consisted of Jack sitting on the ground holding a cheap-looking acoustic guitar, Zack being quiet, and Rian complaining about being hungry. I sat alone on Jack’s couch as the three of them discussed ‘music’ on the floor.

I didn’t pay much attention to their conversation; I was daydreaming about what had happened upstairs; going through the possible ways the kiss could have happened. If who I gathered to be his sister wasn’t there to stop it, if the guys hadn’t showed up… It wasn’t perfect or as powerful as I hoped it would be, but the fact I wasn’t the only one that wanted it made me more hopeful than I had been in ages. I decided that I’d make up for it later.

As I explored the optimistic caverns of my mind, I was shocked back into reality when my glazed-over gaze saw that the guys were staring at me. Did they just ask me a question? I stared right back. “Hhmm?”

"Have you?" RIan asked.

"Have I...?"

"Told you he wasn't paying attention," Zack nudged him.

"We were wondering if you ever had a girlfriend." Rian asked. "Being a homeschooled kid, and all, we didn't know if you'd meet anyone..."

"Always about girls," I grimaced.

"So...?" Zack raised an eyebrow.

I sighed. "I worked at a coffee shop for almost a year until I quit so I could go to school," I told him, nodding. "I still had a social life from the kids I met there. And yeah, I did."

"Was she hot?" Jack piped in.

I played with my hands nervously. “She was beautiful…”

“What happened?”

“What’s her name?”

“What’s her phone number?”

“Why’d you –”

I chuckled at their interest, but I really didn’t want to reminisce. Especially since there was no feeling left – it had been faded and moved on.

“Just tell us, Alex,” Jack pressed, curious. “We have to hear it now.”

“I met her when I was fifteen,” I started reluctantly. “I was walking to clear my mind, not paying attention to the road. And… she hit me.”

“Like, with a car?” Rian gasped. All three were leaning in to listen.

“What else would she hit me with?” I raised an eyebrow. “It wasn’t like she was going fast at all, she just winded me. But she got out of her car and freaked out. She apologized a million times, but really, I was fine. I told her I’d forgive her if I got her name.

The last thing I was expecting was to have this particular group of guys listening so intently, but much to my surprise, I could practically hear their ears perk.

“She told me her name was Maria, and then wrote down her number for me saying that if I needed her insurance information to give her a call. I told her for the last time I didn’t need it, that there was no need for her concern. I called her that night anyway, and we went out.

“Maria tried to pay for dinner, but I didn’t let her. That kind of set up how our relationship was going to be. We fought over the littlest things, but they were all nothing in the end. She was beautiful; and sometimes, I thought I was lucky she hit me that day.”

I paused, biting my lip as I let the memories flood back. “We were fine for a while… until my family broke apart. She left at the same time, and it broke my heart. Turns out she was already graduated and moved out of state for college without telling me. Once things were blown over a little bit at home, I went out to look for her. But despite my efforts, no one knew who the hell I was talking about. I tried showing people the only picture I had of her, but apparently, no one knew her face. So… that was the end of that.

“Or so I thought. She re-appeared just a few months ago, waiting for me when I was walking home from work. It was raining pretty hard and I had an umbrella, but I was too upset with her to offer it to her. She followed me down my street, begging me to listen. I kept walking.

“…Until she grabbed onto me. I yelled at her for not telling me where she was or even who she was. She told me she said her name was Maria because she liked the name and was getting used to it as her ‘stage name,’ she’d become a stripper to pay her way through college.”

“You were with a stripper?” Zack asked, half-chuckling.

“Sshh,” Jack hissed.

“Jesus, fine…”

“Like I said before, she was gorgeous, and it got to me. I took her into my house, threw her down, erm… took out my frustration, then sent her on her way.” I sighed; surprised I was telling so much. “I was a different person then. I didn’t even know who I was. I’ve never felt so bad in my life, but I just couldn’t have her around anymore.”

“Wait. So you got hit by some chick, got told a fake name, then slept with a stripper?” Jack smirked. “Can I have your life?”

I shook my head, trying not to laugh. “It’s not that great, believe me.”

The guys proceeded to tell me about their own escapades in their ‘love lives,’ though I found it hard to pay as much attention to them as they did to me. My mind was racing, and I had to fight to block out the memories of her departure. Not a good time in the Gaskarth household.

Rian stood as he glanced at the clock; it was time for him to go and he collected Zack in order to leave. Jack and I waved goodbye, then I relaxed as we were left alone.

“Deep shit,” Jack muttered as he ran a hand through his hair. “Sorry to hear about all of that.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I’m alright now. Moved on. Onto better things.”

He smiled, obviously catching my connotation, but didn’t say a word.

“I should probably get going,” I stated after a few moments of silence. “Sorry we never got to that homework, but…”

“I understand it fine,” Jack confessed, bowing his head. “I’m not stupid. I just wanted a chance to… You know, finally talk to you without people around.

“You can come over any time you want, Jack,” I grinned softly

“I’ll have to do that,” He smiled back. “Do… do you need a ride?”

“Nah,” I shook my head. “I can walk one block. Thank you.”

“Wait,” He stood as I began putting my shoes on. I looked up at him under my veil of hair, then stood, pushing it out of my eyes. "Please don't go just yet."

"Why not?" I asked, taking a step closer.

"I didn't get enough time with you," He confessed, his voice cracking.

"Walk me home, Jack," I ordered softly, taking another step toward him, close enough to where I could have kissed him with little effort. I instead pushed the hair out of his eyes, and I could feel him shiver from my slight touch. He nodded, taking a shaky breath.

"Okay," He nodded, reluctantly pulling away from my lingering hand upon his cheek to put on his shoes. He then waited for me at the door, beckoning for me to follow him and opened it. I nodded in thanks as I walked through it into the freezing cold.

I stood outside with my hands in my pockets, patiently waiting. Jack strolled over to me, clutching his coat to himself closely. His breath hung around him, barely visible under the soft glow of the street lights. He nodded at the snow-covered sidewalk, then we began to make our ways down the street. After a few steps, my stomach filled with nervous butterflies caused me to slide for a few inches, outstretching my arms to gain my balance, flapping like a penguin. Jack laughed at me but took my hand in his protectively.

He held my hand down as if to steady me, but didn't let go when I finally secured my footing. I hid my face, my cheeks burning from blushing. He squeezed my hand, pulling me even closer to him. "It's cold. Don't stand so far away?"

I giggled, wrapping both of my arms around his leather jacket-clad arm. He chuckled back, resting his head awkwardly on mine as we stepped in time. We reached my house after what seemed like moments, and he sighed as we stood on the front step. I turned to him as I let go, once more wrapping my arms around him and pulling him into a tight hug.

"I'll pick you up tomorrow," He uttered softly, his hot breath against the cold flesh of my ear causing my spine to quiver.

“Why haven’t I gotten your number yet, Jack?” I asked, still holding onto him.

“I don’t have a cell phone,” He sighed. “Which means you’ll have to come see me to talk to me.”

“Means the same goes for you.”

He hugged me tighter. “It’s inconvenient.”

“Why’s that?”

“What if I start to miss you?”

“Then you could write to me,” I suggested.

“You’re the writer Alex,” He huffed.

“Then your only other option is to come see me.”

“I’d feel creepy.”

I let go of Jack reluctantly. “We have school together, it’s not like we won’t ever see each other. Plus, there’s Zack’s party tomorrow.”

“Hey, that’s right!” He beamed. I smiled back, the sheer excitement in his eyes causing my heart to do back flips. “You still need a ride there?”

“Obviously,” I chuckled. “Now go home, you’re shivering.”

“But I don’t want to,” He frowned. “I’m not that cold.”

“Sure you are. But why do you want to stay?” I asked, practically begging him to confess.

“Because…” He furrowed his eyebrow, obviously looking for the words to say. After a moment, he seemed to find what he wanted to say. He put his hand on my jaw, his thumb caressed my cheek. He pulled me in to kiss me, but I jerked away from him. “Wh… what is it?”

“I… I want to hear you say it, Jack.”

“I told you, I’m not good with words…” I looked up at him with what I hoped were cute puppy dog eyes, and he bit his lip. After a pause, “I like you, Alex. But…”

“But…?”

“I’m scared.”

“Of what?” I pressed, stepping toward him again.

“I… Alex, to put it simply, you’re a dude.”

“I am. What of it?”

“It’s just something new, I guess.” He ran his hand from my temple to my chin, letting it stay there. “It feels right, though.”

I smirked, then wrapped my arms around his neck. “It is different, I’ll give you that. And I’m scared, too; but it’s got to be right. I can’t help thinking…” I blushed.

“You made me say it. It’s your turn,” He smiled at me, pressing his cold nose against mine, and I giggled.

“I really, really like you, Jack.”

“But…?”

“But nothing. I… I want to try this. To be with you.” I pulled my body against his.

“We’ve only hung out once after school, though…” He sighed. “Guess this means we’ll have to change that, huh?”

“You’re right,” I grinned, and he rubbed his nose against mine again. “Now… kiss me, Jack.”

He obeyed, dropping his hands to my hips before wrapping his arms around my waist as our lips met. I drew in a deep breath as our lips began to part, moving with each other in a slow rhythm. The warmth of his mouth caused an extremely intense feeling, contrasting to the chill of the rest of my body; I unintentionally deepened the kiss. Jack didn’t seem to mind; in fact he obliged my tongue to escape my lips and allowed entrance as it ran against his lip.

It was as if the cold didn’t exist anymore, a fire inside of me burned in the pit in my stomach and I forgot every worldly thing other than the feeling of the softness of his lips, the taste that could both be classified as slightly minty somehow and simply as Jack, and how insanely rapid my heart was beating. I kissed him with a genuine passion; I may not have known him as well as I’d like to, but something inside of me didn’t allow me to pull away from him.

He tightened his grip around me, and I felt our hips innocently rub against each other. I got slightly distracted for a moment, feverishly trying to talk myself down before… before it would get awkward.

When the purity came back and I was able to relax, I snatched my arms around his neck so that I could touch my own shoulders. The space between us almost didn’t exist… and I loved it. I hadn’t allowed myself to be so close to anyone for such a long time, and I felt myself falling for Jack, as if my heart was opening itself up to him with every soft motion.

We fell back into the real world with a simultaneous groan as my phone started going off. I let go of him in order to answer it, smiling apologetically.

“Yeah… I’m actually right outside, I have been for a… Yeah, Jack’s here. We were just, ah… Talking about… Okay.” I slammed my phone shut with a sneer.

“You better get inside before you get in trouble,” Jack grumbled. “I don’t want you grounded or anything tomorrow.”

“It’s okay,” I replaced my arms to where they had been. “But I better. But don’t freeze without me.”

He smirked at me. “I might, but I’ll try to stay hot for you.”

I laughed loudly, then as he turned to leave and pulled his jacket over himself and shoved his hands in his pockets making weird squeaky noises, I called, “Good night, Jack.”

“Night, ‘Lex,” He spun to raise his arms above his head as if cheering and beamed as he walked backwards. “Thank you. I mean… I like you.”

“I like you more,” I waved at him with a stupid grin. He turned around, quietly mumbling protests as he shook his head. I watched him fade as he walked down the street, then opened my door and slipped inside the room when I realized how cold I was.

My mother was standing in the doorway, slightly stunned. I set my bag down by the door, taking off my shoes and jacket. She shook her head. “Was your conversation so important you were twenty minutes late coming home?”

“I wasn’t late, we were just outside.”

“You could have let him in.”

“He’s shy,” I explained, picking my bag back up. “I’ll force him to come inside next time.”

My mother nodded. “He’s the one that’s taking you to the other boy’s tomorrow, right?”

“He is.”

“Well…” My mother turned around and walked away. “If you want leftovers, what’s left is in the fridge.”

I grinned. “Thanks, mum!” I raced up to my room to fall onto my bed, staring at the ceiling with a smile that refused to leave.