Not Insane

Brian wasn't sure what had woken him up in the middle of the night, until he had heard the muffled sobs next to him. He was about to ask what was wrong and then he remembered. As he laid there, he watched Jayden get up and walk out of the room. His heart sank into his stomach again as he debated on going after her or letting her have time alone. After some time passed, he sighed, sat up and got out of bed, unable to leave her alone. He found her crying on the back porch, and with no words, he stepped up and pulled her tightly into his arms, letting her cry into his chest.

The next few nights were the same way. Mostly sleepless, full of tears, with no words. Jayden had barely said a word to Brian or anybody. She refused to go to the viewings that started days later. Everybody else would go and afterwards would be at Brian's house, where she'd just lock herself in the bedroom. Leana was the only person she'd talk to when they were around. Brian understood her behavior, but at the same time, it worried him. Nobody asked, nor did Brian say anything about it until the morning of Jimmy's funeral when everybody had shown up at the house.

“Is she going?” Matt asked when he and Brian were alone on the back porch.

“She was getting dressed a little while ago. It's just too hard to talk to her right now. I can't exactly keep asking her how she's doing because it's obvious that she's not well. I'm worried though. I haven't seen her eat, Matt. It's been over a week and I have not seen her eat anything. I understand she's upset, but I'm afraid to say anything that'll upset her even worse than she is now, because this isn't the time to exactly start a fight.”

“I know it's hard, but time will heal it slowly, and she'll come around when she's ready. Don't abandon her, but at the same time, let her have her space.”

Brian nodded and went back inside to go check on his fiance. He knocked softly on their closed door before cracking it open. “Jade?”

She sat on the corner of their bed, wearing her black dress, ready to leave. It was then that he really could tell she hadn't been eating. The dress that once fit her perfectly was already hanging off her body. She looked frail and when she looked at Brian, her once bright blue eyes were now dull and almost sunken looking, surrounded by dark circles. “Brian, I don't know if I can go through with this,” she said, her voice cracked and hoarse.

“We're not forcing you to go, but Jimmy's your brother, and you should go say goodbye.” Brian choked up on the word 'goodbye.' “Sweetheart, I know it hurts, and you know that all of us are here for you, right?”

Jayden nodded slowly and stood up. She clung to his arm as they headed for the stairs. Brian had forewarned the others to not smother her with their concerns, and he knew that they wouldn't. Once with the others, she went immediately to her parents and Leana, sticking with them.

“Jesus, she looks...has she eaten?” Zack whispered to Brian when she was out of ear-shot.

Brian sighed and shook his head. “I haven't seen her eat, and it scares me.”

“Brian, you need to get her to eat,” Gena said quietly. “She looks horrible, and if she doesn't eat, she's gonna end up in the hospital."

“I know, I know. This just isn't exactly a good time, you know? She's upset and emotionally fragile, and the last thing I need is for a fight to start between us.”

Zack and Gena both glanced at Jayden before turning back to Brian. “You have a point, but still,” Gena said. “We'll suggest going out to dinner after the funeral if we aren't too upset.”

Brian watched as Jayden got in a car with her parents and Leana before getting in his parents' car with his brother, sister, Matt, Valary, and Michelle. All of them expressed their concerns after seeing Jayden looking so weak. Brian sighed, letting their concerns go in one ear and out the other and the car went silent until they reached the church.

At the church, Brian felt torn. He wanted to be there for his friends, but also wanted to be there for his fiance who didn't seem to want him around. She stayed glued to her parent's sides. He couldn't blame her and just stayed with his own family to let her have her space. Friends, family, and even some fans were around, expressing their sorrows and giving their kind words before everybody started to head inside to begin the service. Brian was then shocked to see Jayden standing off to the side of the entrance to the church. He couldn't decide if she was waiting or didn't want to go inside. Since she hadn't gone to the viewings, this would be the first time seeing Jimmy's body. Seeing him laying there, lifeless, looking like he was just sleeping.

“Jade?” He placed his hand on her shoulder.

“Stay next to me,” she whispered, clinging to his arm.

“You know I will.” He pulled her into a tight embrace and held her as they headed for the door to go inside.

“I can't do this,” she said, right at the door.

“You don't have to, and I'm not going to force you, but you should say goodbye to him. If you don't, you'll beat yourself up for it.”

Jayden took a deep breath and walked into the church, using Brian to stay on her feet. The service hadn't begun yet and people were paying their last respects before he would be buried, to never be seen again. Brian let Jayden guide him to where she wanted to go, and he held onto her as she slowly made her way towards the casket. Her parents had seen her approaching and appeared at her side. The last few days had gotten a little less emotional for Mr and Mrs Sullivan, but they knew that their daughter hadn't seen her twin brother's body and knew that it could turn ugly.

She almost turned and ran out of the church when she had finally seen Jimmy's lifeless face. Expecting it to be void of all color, she was shocked to find that he just appeared to be sleeping. She stood next to the casket, frozen, looking down at her twin. Brian held her securely, somehow knowing that she was going to break down in tears. Like clockwork, her knees had gone weak and her body nearly went limp. Her father and Brian both helped her down into a sitting position where her head immediately buried itself into Brian's shoulder were she began to sob.

Brian fought hard to keep composed, but seeing his fiance crying like this, he couldn't help but let his own tears flow. The couple held each other in tears while their friends stood by, not knowing how to comfort the two. Tears began to flow from the eyes of everybody around as they watched the couple. “Oh, God. Jimmy. Jimmy why did you leave me?” Jayden sobbed.

It had taken some time, but everybody had calmed down, regained their composure, and sat as the service was about to begin. Jayden could only numbly speculate as the priest said his speech, and as their friends and family also said their words about the departed drummer. As they were about to wrap up and begin the funeral procession, Jayden had finally stood up and walked to the podium to say a few words.

“My brother was one of the greatest people ever. I should know because I grew up with him for twenty-eight years. You will probably never find another person as kind, funny, talented, and amazing as he was. He's gone now, but obviously part of him still lives...” she paused as she pointed to her heart. “...part of him still lives here because he was my twin brother. Jimmy jumped into life, and never touched bottom.” She turned towards the casket, towards the body of her twin, taking one last mental picture of him before he was gone for good, only to be remembered by pictures and videos.

The church emptied out as the procession began, leading them into the Good Shepherd Cemetery. Jayden still clung to Brian as the group of people gathered around the freshly dug hole, the casket hovering above. She glanced around to the group, seeing everybody in tears as the priest began to speak again and as the casket was slowly lowered into the hole. She couldn't bring herself to produce anymore tears-at least she thought. The dump-truck had backed in, dumping a mound of dirt on top of the sealed coffin and without grabbing onto Brian, she collapsed to the ground as tears poured down her cheeks again. Brian quickly grabbed her and held on tightly as she struggled against him, trying to crawl towards the pile of dirt that was just dumped into the hole.

“Jayden, baby, he's gone, it's over,” Brian said, pulling her body into his.

“No!” She shouted, reaching for the filled hole. “Jimmy fucking lied to me! He said he was never going to leave me!” She almost screamed, yanking herself from Brian's grasp. Their friends and family watched tearfully as she sat on her knees next to the hole. “You lied to me!” She shouted at the dirt.

Her father finally came and scooped up his daughter into his arms where her face buried itself into his chest, tears soaking through his shirt. Brian sat back onto the grass, burying his head in his hands as he felt guilty for losing control of the situation. He couldn't blame her for acting like she was, because he knew that if it was his own brother, he probably would do the same thing.

It seemed like forever had passed until the situation had finally settled down. Most of the guests had cleared out, leaving Matt, Valary, Michelle, Zack, Gena, Johnny, Lacey, Brian's and Jayden's family gathered around the freshly sodded grave, staring solemnly at the gray granite stone with their best friend's name carved into it: Beloved son, brother, best friend. James Owen Sullivan. 1981-2009. Jimmy jumped into life, and never touched bottom.