Not Insane

“Brian, I know this is a hard time for all of us, especially her, but if you don't make her eat, she's gonna get herself sick,” Matt said to his friend, noticing that after spending the majority of the week after the funeral at his house that he hadn't seen Jayden come out of their bedroom.

“Don't you think I've tried? How many times have you seen me go upstairs with food that she refused to eat?” Brian was starting to lose his patience with everything. “She lost her brother, the one person she's grown up with. The one person who knows her more than any of us do. He's gone and he's not coming back!” he shouted over his shoulder as he stormed out of the room to the backyard, wanting to be alone.

Matt sighed. “I can't even help without getting the shit end of the stick here.” He buried his face in his hands as he sat back on the couch.

Valary wrapped her arm around his shoulders. “We all know you're trying to help. You both have a point.”

“Maybe you should try talking to her,” the brunette twin suggested. “You got Leana to finally come around, maybe you can get Jayden to also.”

The blonde nodded and helped herself around the kitchen to make something small to eat. After making a plain turkey and cheese sandwich, she headed upstairs to the closed bedroom door. She knocked on door before opening it a few inches to peer into the room. Jayden was sitting on the edge of the bed, back to the door, staring at the wall. “Jayden?” she called softly.

Jayden turned around slowly, giving a very weak smile to Valary. “Hey,” she said, barely above a whisper.

Valary almost gasped when she had seen the deteriorating condition of the girl sitting on the bed. She thought Jayden looked bad at the funeral, but she had gotten a lot worse. Her bright eyes were dull and almost lifeless looking, surrounded by dark circles closely resembling bruises. She almost appeared anorexic looking, her clothes swallowing her rail thin body. “I know this is really hard on you...” she began as she walked into the room, setting the plate on the nightstand. “...but we're really worried about you. You haven't eaten anything, and it shows a lot. Honey, you have to eat or you're going to get really sick.”

Jayden turned away and sighed. “I'm not hungry.”

“I know you're not. None of us are either, but we still force ourselves to. The smallest thing helps.” Valary picked up the plate, went around the bed, and sat next to Jayden. “Here. It's something bland so it won't upset your stomach too much.”

“Valary, he promised me that he would never leave me...” her voice trailed off as a lump had risen in her throat.

“Honey, we all know how much Jimmy meant to you. He meant more to you than he did to everybody else, and we know that losing him is extremely difficult for you, but he wouldn't want you depressing yourself into starvation and sickness. And not only him, but all of us. We don't want to see you end up in the hospital.”

Jayden gave a short nod and reached for the plate, picking up a half of the sandwich. She nibbled at it weakly, managing to swallow a few small bites before placing the rest of it back on the plate. Valary smiled and wrapped her arms around her friend. “Thanks,” Jayden murmured, returning the embrace. “It's just so hard to accept this. What makes it worse is that I kept having these dreams that revolved around his death, and his funeral. Then he went and wrote that song he played on Christmas. Everything just makes it seem like he planned it.”

“He wouldn't do that to himself. He had his health issues, and he must've known that his time was coming to an end.”

“I guess. I mean, I know I'll accept it eventually, right?”

“You will, but don't be in a hurry. He was your twin brother. It's going to be a long time before any of us accept it, but do you think he'd want us to be miserable the whole time?”

“No.”

“I know you're taking it harder than we all are, and we understand why you are acting this way, but it does make me feel better that you've eaten something. Just promise me that you're going to try and keep eating. That's all I'm asking.”

“I'll try.”

Valary left Jayden alone after that, knowing she still wanted to be alone. She ate a few more small bites of the sandwich before laying back down, hugging a pillow to her chest. A sigh slipped through her lips as she tried to lose herself in thought. Valary's words played over and over in her head. She was right. Some time passed before Jayden got up, fixed herself and exited the room. She wasn't ready to face the large group of people yet, and hoped that most of them weren't around.

When she reached the bottom of the stairs, she peered into the only room she could see from the stairs. Valary and Matt were deep in their own conversation that they didn't see Jayden slip by, grab her car keys and head out the front door. Before anybody would have the chance to see her, she was out of the driveway and taking the short drive to the cemetery. She parked the car, but sat there for a bit, watching the small group of people huddled around the grave. They weren't anybody she recognized, so she assumed that they were fans of the band. A few minutes passed and the group sat in the grass, making themselves comfortable with a small set of speakers playing familiar music.

Jayden didn't want to leave without seeing the grave, but also didn't want to confront the group of people who probably didn't even know Jimmy. She sighed as she stepped out of her car and approached the group. “Hi,” said a young man as soon as he had seen her. The remaining four turned to look at her and she gave a weak smile as she squatted in a more open space in the circle, letting her eyes focus on the stone with her brother's name on it. Nobody said a word, and the silence had suddenly turned awkward until somebody from the group had spoken up.

“I'm sure you've gotten this a lot, but you look like you could be Jimmy's sister,” one of the girls said.

Jayden fought the tears that were stinging at her eyes and the lump that was rising in her throat. “That's...that's because I am,” she murmured, hearing the small gasps before the awkward silence returned for a few minutes. “He was my twin brother.”

“Wow...umm...I'm so sorry,” said the same girl.

“Thanks. It's been hard to take in, but I think the acceptance is finally starting to hit me.”

The young man who had first said hi to her had spoken up. “I've lost family before. It does take a while to accept everything. I mean, I've never lost a relative as close as a brother or sister, but still, losing a family member isn't easy. I obviously never knew Jimmy personally, but as big a fan as I am of the band, I know he was a great person.”

“I got to meet him a few years back,” the second girl spoke up. “We had a small conversation, and he was just a crazy goofball.”

Jayden let out another weak smile. “Jimmy was one of the greatest people you could probably ever meet. Don't take any offense to what I'm about to say, but it's different to us who knew him personally. He was the backbone of our friendship. Because of him I met my fiance, and because of him I have some of the greatest friends in the world. He was always there to make us laugh whenever any of us were bumming out. He was always so lively and charismatic. Hell he was just crazy and funny all the time.”

Jayden discovered that talking about it was making her feel a little bit better. She was going to be hurting for a while, but answering questions and telling stories about her brother had eased some of that pain. Time passed and she hadn't noticed another car drive up until the group had let out a few gasps. She turned and saw Brian walking towards them. She couldn't help but let out a small laugh at the reaction from the group.

“I'd gotten worried when I saw that you left the room,” Brian said, paying no mind to the others at the moment, but instead taking a seat next to his fiance. “How's it going guys? Fans I assume?”

“She was telling us about Jimmy, but we should probably head out because we have to drive back to San Diego. It was nice talking with you Jayden, and again, I'm so sorry for your loss.” The same young man spoke for the group as they got to their feet. “Same to you, Brian,” he said as the rest of his friends agreed and said the same words.

“Thanks you guys. Sorry you couldn't stick around longer, but thanks for keeping my fiance company.” The group walked to their car and drove away as Jayden scooted closer to Brian and nuzzled against his side, still staring at the stone. “Valary said she got you to eat something. I'm glad.”

“I know. And I'm sure you're glad I finally left the room.”

“Sweetheart, you barely left the bed in the past two weeks except for the funeral. I know it's hard, but it'll be harder on me if you end up making yourself sick. You've already lost enough weight to where I'm scared for you.” His arm wrapped tightly around her shoulders, holding her close.

“I know. It's just been hard to accept, but I think I finally have. Talking to those kids even helped me feel a little bit better.”

“We're never going to forget Jimmy, but do you think he'd want us being nothing but miserable?”

“Valary said the same thing, and I think that's what made me finally accept it.”

The couple sat in the same spot until the cemetery closed, and then headed back home. Nobody else was at the house which made Jayden feel more at ease. As she was slowly starting to heal, she still wasn't ready to face their friends completely yet. At least all together.