Remembering
I think I jinxed her.
"If I die, you have to promise to be at my funeral, crying your eyes out, and also, I'd like you to be the legal guardian of my children and thirteen cats," I told you one night, the week I stayed at your house.
"Of course. And if I died, I'd expect you to be at my funeral crying so hard everyone else looks at you because you are crying so hysterically that you can barely breathe and my mother has to help you regain your sanity."
"And Ty?" I smiled.
"Yes," You said. "But why are you bringing this up?"
"I don't know."
"Don't kill yourself." You warned me.
"I'm not going to."
"Oh, and if I killed myself, I'd expect you and Baylee to stand over my dead body yelling 'Hypocrite' while sobbing."
---
I think I jinxed you.
September 15, 2011.
You went to sleep just fine.
September 16, 2011.
You didn't wake up.
The night before I found out, the night you died, I couldn't sleep. At all. Strange, huh? I didn't go to school. I was having a panic attack that morning. At about 11:00, my mom and dad came home, came into my room, and told me that your step-mom had called my dad and told him. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to.
And your funeral?
September 17, 2011, at 3:00 pm, I got on the plane.
5:00 pm, I got off in Dallas.
Wasted a few hours while my mom tried to find a good rental car.
Three hours on the road to your house in Anson.
September 18, 2011, 1:00 am, I got to your house.
It was the first time your dad let down his guard and stopped being tough, and like every dad who loses a daughter, he cried.
When I got out of the car, he came outside and hugged me so tight. "I love you," he said.
12:00 that morning was the first time I got to see you again. The funeral home was cold and nearly empty. The moment I stepped into the room you were in, I started bawling. Baylee held my hand the whole time. I admired how strong she was staying, when I was struggling just to stay standing upright on both feet.
September 19, 2011, 6:00 pm, was the viewing. It was hard for me, because kids from your school that you'd complained about kept acting like they were your best friend. Like they knew everything about you. I wanted to slap them and say, 'No, you didn't know her like I did. You don't know shit.'
September 20, 2011, was the funeral.
2:00 pm, in the auditorium of your school.
I think that was the worst day of my life, other than the day I found out, but even then, it seemed like that had been ages ago.
I did cry sp hard I couldn't breathe. And your mom did have to help me regain my sanity, although I'm not so sure I have it right now.
They played My Chemical Romance, Paramore, All Time Low, and Green Day at your funeral. You would have loved it.
When they started lifting your casket to bring you to the cemetery for the burial, I screamed. I didn't realize it until somebody told me I had to let you go.
I couldn't. And that's why, today, October 21, 2011, I'm writing this. To let you know that I still haven't let you go, and I never will you're always a part of me.
"Of course. And if I died, I'd expect you to be at my funeral crying so hard everyone else looks at you because you are crying so hysterically that you can barely breathe and my mother has to help you regain your sanity."
"And Ty?" I smiled.
"Yes," You said. "But why are you bringing this up?"
"I don't know."
"Don't kill yourself." You warned me.
"I'm not going to."
"Oh, and if I killed myself, I'd expect you and Baylee to stand over my dead body yelling 'Hypocrite' while sobbing."
---
I think I jinxed you.
September 15, 2011.
You went to sleep just fine.
September 16, 2011.
You didn't wake up.
The night before I found out, the night you died, I couldn't sleep. At all. Strange, huh? I didn't go to school. I was having a panic attack that morning. At about 11:00, my mom and dad came home, came into my room, and told me that your step-mom had called my dad and told him. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to.
And your funeral?
September 17, 2011, at 3:00 pm, I got on the plane.
5:00 pm, I got off in Dallas.
Wasted a few hours while my mom tried to find a good rental car.
Three hours on the road to your house in Anson.
September 18, 2011, 1:00 am, I got to your house.
It was the first time your dad let down his guard and stopped being tough, and like every dad who loses a daughter, he cried.
When I got out of the car, he came outside and hugged me so tight. "I love you," he said.
12:00 that morning was the first time I got to see you again. The funeral home was cold and nearly empty. The moment I stepped into the room you were in, I started bawling. Baylee held my hand the whole time. I admired how strong she was staying, when I was struggling just to stay standing upright on both feet.
September 19, 2011, 6:00 pm, was the viewing. It was hard for me, because kids from your school that you'd complained about kept acting like they were your best friend. Like they knew everything about you. I wanted to slap them and say, 'No, you didn't know her like I did. You don't know shit.'
September 20, 2011, was the funeral.
2:00 pm, in the auditorium of your school.
I think that was the worst day of my life, other than the day I found out, but even then, it seemed like that had been ages ago.
I did cry sp hard I couldn't breathe. And your mom did have to help me regain my sanity, although I'm not so sure I have it right now.
They played My Chemical Romance, Paramore, All Time Low, and Green Day at your funeral. You would have loved it.
When they started lifting your casket to bring you to the cemetery for the burial, I screamed. I didn't realize it until somebody told me I had to let you go.
I couldn't. And that's why, today, October 21, 2011, I'm writing this. To let you know that I still haven't let you go, and I never will you're always a part of me.