Wasted

"So what really happened between you and Gerard?" Frank asked Autumn quietly.

He was back in town for the night before he had to go back on tour, heading for Japan. Instead of doing the usual partying he could fit whenever he came back, he decided to spend the night with Autumn in her apartment, pigging out on take out and watching a Degrassi marathon.

Autumn's eyes shifted from the TV to Frank. Sighing quietly she put her food box down and moved the fork around mindlessly. "I thought we liked each other. We didn't. And that's fine," she added quickly, "I was wrong all along."

Frank knitted his eyebrows together. "Did you really like him?"

She gave him a lame one shoulder shrug and turned back to Paige giving Manny advice on sex. She didn't know why they enjoyed watching this show so much, but they couldn't tear their eyes away.

Frank let out a loud breath beside her and laid his head back on the couch.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Please Frank, like you would've been okay with it." She scoffed.

"You could’ve at least kept me in the loop!" He added defensively and sat up, crossing his arms. "I'm your cousin Autumn, I should know what's going on."

"I'm sorry. I should have told you what was going on."

"Instead of going behind my back," he muttered and grumbled under his breath.

She smiled lightly and playfully slugged his shoulder. "I'll tell you when the next guy comes around, if he ever does."

Frank laughed softly but then his lips turned down into a frown and his shoulders slightly slumped.

"What?" Autumn asked.

"He's gotten a lot worse with his drinking."

"Who, Gerard?"

Frank nodded and sat back, running a hand back through his hair. “He drinks from when he wakes up until he passes out, it’s like a never ending cycle."

Autumn knew when things hit Frank hard and this was tearing him apart. Gerard was one of his best friends and he was throwing himself away to bottles of whiskey.

"Have you guys talked to him about it?" Autumn asked softly and placed a hand on his shoulder.

He scoffed. "Yes. He always says the same excuse, "I'll get better, I just need some time. Its all bullshit and its gotten worse. We found a fucking baggie of cocaine in his pillow the other day."

Autumn's eyes widened and she let out a small gasp.

"Did he use it?"

Frank huffed. "Yeah, said it wasn't his first and wouldn't be his last. You should see Mikey. That's his big brother and he ends up taking care of him. It’s sad and pathetic of Gerard."

Autumn didn't really know what to say. When she was younger and her parents got their divorce her father turned to alcohol. He wasn't violent or abusive. He just drank his sorrows away.

After a few months and Autumn pleading him to stop, he quit cold turkey. He didn't touch a bottle for years. He would have a drink now every so often but he kept it controlled.

It was kind of obvious to Autumn that Gerard had his fair trail of alcoholism but she never tried to help or even really talk to him about it. She was too enveloped in her feelings for him before to see the actual signs.

She felt somewhat guilty, she thought if she paid closer attention she could have helped but she knew it wouldn't of really done anything. Not even Mikey, the closest thing in the world to him could help.

"If he doesn't stop," Frank swallowed thickly and grimaced, "he's going to kill himself."
Autumn's heart dropped and she pulled Frank into a hug. "I know he's your best friend but you can't beat yourself up over this. Gerard...he needs help but it’s up to him whether or not he wants it."

"I just don't know if the band can survive this," Frank whispered, resting his head on her shoulder and felt his own heart dropping. This band meant the world to all of them and it was slowly starting to crumble.

"I can't promise that things will be okay," Autumn said softly, "but we can try to help him. My dad stopped cold turkey, Gerard may not be strong enough for that but it could take time."
Frank nodded against her shoulder and hugged her back tightly.

-

Autumn groaned and held her head to stop it from exploding. Whoever was calling her
phone at 3 in the morning was going to get an earful.

She grumbled to herself and picked up her cell phone from her bedside table
.
"Hello?" She answered groggily, her voice heavy with sleep.

"Autumn?" A familiar voice slurred on the other line.

She was half asleep but she knew who voice that was is, she could tell it apart from anyone's.

"Gerard?" She shot up in bed and sat against the head board. "What's going on? Why are you calling me? Is Frank alright?" She asked quickly, panicking and wondering if something went wrong.

"F-Frank's ok, he's asleep." He hiccupped and slurred back, "I need to talk to you.
"
Autumn ran a hand through her hair tiredly and rubbed her face. She hadn't spoken to him in months and he was spontaneously calling her from Japan and worst of all he was drunk.

"Just go back to bed and we can talk when you're sober," she spoke softly, not wanting to upset him.

She didn't know if she could handle talking to him when he was drunk. She'd gone through it with her dad but Gerard was worse and she wasn't sure what he was capable of.

"No!" He cried into the phone. "No, please stay on." He whimpered.

Autumn's heart was thumping faster. She knew she couldn't leave him alone in his state. He sounded frantic and over the edge.

"Okay, okay," she spoke up quickly. "I'm here Gerard."

"Thank you," he murmured but it came out slurred.

There was a brief silence where all they could hear was each other’s breathing. Autumn was waiting patiently for him to say something but she was feeling uneasy.

"I..I can't do this anymore Autumn."

Autumn's eyes widened. "Do what?"

"Live...it’s too hard." His voice wavered.

Autumn's eyes glassed over and she roughly wiped away the tears that fell. Frank was right; he was going to end up killing himself if he didn't get help. She cared too much to let him do this to himself.

"We care about you Gee," she said softly. She was almost pleading for him to stop doing this. "We wouldn't know what to do if you left."

"Nobody cares," he slurred. "No one knows what this is like."
"What do you need?" Autumn asked, sitting up straighter, trying to calm her nerves down.
"I need this to go away."

"Did you take anything to make it go away?"

She could hear his heavy breathing. "I snorted some stuff but it didn't last..."

Autumn sighed and took a deep breath. She didn't know what to say to make it all better. She would trade everything right now to be by his side and helping him out in person.

"Can you do me a favor?" She asked, crossing her fingers.

"What is it?"

"Go lay down in your bunk or your hotel room, wherever you are and relax."

She heard shuffling on the other end of the phone. "I'm in bed." He mumbled.

"Tell me something that makes you happy?"

She imagined his clueless expression and smiled to herself.

"My grandma used too. I miss her so much." His voice cracked and she could hear faint sniffling.

Her heart dropped and she coursed a hand through her hair. It didn't matter how long she would have to stay on the phone with him, she'd get him out of this.

"She loved you a lot, you know. I met her that one time my aunt Linda had that barbecue for Frank's birthday and she talked about you and Mikey like you were kings."

"She did?" Gerard asked quietly. His slurring had gone down and he was beginning to sound more like a sad child.

"She did. I'm not great with advice but one thing I know is that she lived her life and everyone loved her for who she was and she loved everyone back. You'll always love her and you'll miss her a lot but you've got to remember that she wouldn't want you doing this to yourself."
"I don't know who to be. Drinking and the coke make me who I am on stage."

Autumn narrowed her eyes, "You don't need that bullshit! You're a phenomenal performer Gerard, regardless of what you take!"

"You don't get it," he grumbled.

"Make me get it! Make me understand! You're not only damaging yourself you’re hurting everyone around who cares about you!” She was growing frustrated and her patience was starting to wear thin.

“Please don’t yell,” he mumbled back.

Autumn pinched the bridge of her nose and took a deep breath. “What can I do to change the way you see yourself?”

“I’m a piece of shit…I don’t belong here…I don’t do anything right…” he sounded so broken down and hopeless it was tearing her apart.

“Please just let me help you,” she whispered and wiped her eyes. She was throwing all of her past anger for him out of the window. She needed to help him. What happened in the past didn’t matter to her any more. If she helped him through this and he ended up hating her in the end, she would accept it and move on. She was going to get him out of this mess no matter what.

She kept him on the line by asking him a few questions about his past. She calmed him down by talking about the memories he had with his grandma which he shared with Autumn. It was beautiful to her how close they were. She taught him everything he knew and she pushed him forward with his music.

He was getting quieter and trailing off most of his sentences when Autumn realized he was slowly falling asleep. She stayed on the line for a few more minutes, making sure he was dead asleep until she hung up and sent a text message to Ray asking him to check on Gerard as soon as he woke up.

She looked over at the clock and read the time, she had been on the phone with him for four hours and wasn’t even fatigued. She was wrong before, her feelings for him weren’t going anywhere.