Wasted

Autumns leg was bouncing up and down in anticipation and nerves. The whole area around her made her sick to her stomach but she had to be at the doctors office to support him. Even if supporting him meant coming along to an appointment with him and Stacy.

She had declined their offer to follow inside the actual room to witness the ultra sound and to be one of the first to know the sex of the baby.

There were so many conflicting feelings going on in her mind. Her head spun and she felt the bile in her throat. How was she supposed to cope with these feelings for the next four months? And then when the baby arrived what was she gonna do?

She loved Gerard and their relationship with each other. She trusted him and found happiness with him that she hadn't felt with someone before. But this, waiting on the sidelines while he had a child with someone else, no matter the circumstances was slowly draining her.

The sound of footsteps approaching her wasn't even loud enough to interrupt her thoughts. It wasn't until she felt Gerard's hand on her stiff shoulder that she looked up.

"It's a boy," he whispered softly and his eyes were bright and his lips curved up in a small smile.

Stacy stood beside him, the picture of the ultrasound tucked safely away in her hands and the same dewy smile was on her lips and her eyes were beaming.

Autumn couldn't find the words to say anything back. All she could give was a tight smile. But her mind was screaming at her and Gerard's happy smile was making her sick.

The whole car ride home was tense and quiet. Autumn kept her eyes averted to the window and her hands to her sides. Her head was spinning and hadn't even slowed down. 

"Can you actually drop me off at the station? I'm going to Franks." Autumn asked Gerard, her voice coming out rougher than she intended.

He glanced over at her and cleared his throat, "I could take you if you want. I'm going back to Jersey."

Autumn tweaked her lips and shook her head gently. "It's okay. I miss the train anyway."

Gerard sighed but kept his lips sealed and turned towards the station. As soon as the station came into view and Gerard parked, Autumns hand flew towards the handle.

Gerard was quick and grabbed her other hand, keeping her in her seat. 

She turned to glance at him and saw the sad frown on his lips.

"Can you talk to me for a second? You've been so tense and mute since the doctors."

Autumn looked down at her feet and bit her lip. "It's just a lot to take in. I need to be alone to think about it all."

"To think about what?" He quipped back, his hand pulling hers closer.

She sighed and pulled away. "About all this."

"You said-" 

She cut him off, "I know what I said. But just because I love you and I'm trying to give you my support doesn't make it any easier."

He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Jesus Autumn, I'm the one having the kid here!"

Autumns blood boiled and she snatched her hand away, "And I'm your girlfriend standing aside while you have it with someone else, fucking asshole." She snapped and hurried out his car, slamming the door behind her. 

She walked as fast as she could to the train heading to Jersey. Her blood was boiling and she was furious at Gerard. Her hands were itching to strangle him. She plopped down in the seat closest to her and wondered how she even got into this mess.

-

Autumn gave Frank a weak smile when he handed her a mug of hot tea. He sat beside her on his couch and turned to her.

"You gonna tell me what's wrong or do I have to guess?"

She exhaled a bitter laugh and shrugged. "What isn't wrong right now?"

Frank sighed and set his own mug of tea down on the coffee table. "It's got to do with Gerard, doesn't it?"

Autumn side eyed him, "Why?"

Frank smirked, "Because he always seems to be at blame."

She would have laughed if she didn't feel so awful or if the situation was different. She merely nodded and sipped her tea without looking directly at Frank.

"I don't think I can do it anymore Frank," she spoke quietly and closed her eyes over before speaking again, "it's too hard."

Frank sat closer and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "No one is making you do this. Any other woman I know would've dropped Gerard on his ass."

"Would I be terrible if I agreed with those women?"

"No," he shook his head. "I just don't know what you expect to get out of this. Don't get me wrong," he added in quickly, "Gerard is one of my best friends but did you honestly think seeing him have a baby with someone else wouldn't affect your relationship?"

Autumn swallowed thickly and shook her head as the realization hit her. Things would change, that was certain. But she never thought about her feelings for Gerard changing and she couldn't lie and say she didn't see him in a different way now.

"l love him Frank, but I can't do this." She whispered and tears brimmed her eyes.

He pulled her closer and she rested her head on his shoulder. She roughly wiped the tears away, she hated crying.

"If it's doing you more damage mentally to stay with him, then let him go." Frank spoke up.

She let the words sink in. Could she really let go of Gerard? No matter what she would run into him a couple of times. They were tied together by Frank. She hated the idea of letting him go. But she felt like she had no other choice.