Wasted

Autumn nervously tapped her foot against the floor. She kept taking deep breaths to calm herself but her heart beat wasn’t going to slow down any time soon. She groaned under her breath, hating the situation she had gotten herself in but she told herself it needed to happen.

She looked around her apartment which in a couple of days she wouldn’t be able to call home anymore. A small wave of sadness took her over; she didn’t like change even though she knew it was natural. Change was something she experienced too much of in her life and sometimes she wished things would just stay still for a moment but they never did.

The ring of her doorbell cut her away from her thoughts and she felt her stomach sink. Slowly she stood up from the kitchen table and walked over to the door. She took in a deep breath before opening it. Gerard stood on the other side, one hand going through his hair and the other stuffed in his pocket.

This was the first time she had seen him in days since they snapped at each other in his car outside of the station. She couldn’t bring herself to look him in the eye; she merely opened the door wide enough to let him in and stepped aside.

He raised an eyebrow at her and stepped inside without a word. Autumn closed the door behind him and walked past him into the kitchen. She knew she was being silly for not greeting him but if she spoke up before she was ready, everything would spill out and come out wrong.

“Hello to you too,” Gerard muttered and leaned against her kitchen counter.

Autumn had her back turned to him, her palms pressed against the cold counter and she shut her eyes for a second. She needed to suck it up and tell him the truth.

“Are you going to talk to me?” Gerard spoke up louder this time, a small edge in his voice.

She turned to face him, her teeth tugging at her lip and met his eyes for a brief second. She felt them watering before she even spoke and the words felt like they weighed a ton as she let them out.

“I’m breaking up with you.”

Her stomach dropped and she felt her heart tug her chest when she saw his shocked expression. His lips were parted open in surprise.

“What?” His eyebrows sank and furrowed together in confusion.

She sighed and let the tears spill over, her hand coming up quickly to wipe them away.

“I can’t be with you anymore.” She spoke, her voice feeling heavy.

Gerard’s eyes started to water and he shook his head at her. “What are you talking about? What the fuck is this Autumn?”

She shook her head back at him and cried, “I’m leaving New York. I can’t stay here and watch you start a life with Stacy.”

His anger boiled over and he charged at her, his hands grabbing onto her forearms.
“The only life I have is with you! Stacy doesn’t matter!”

She ripped her arms away and snarled, despite the small cries coming from her. “Of course she matters! Don’t you realize that you’re having a child with her, someone that isn’t me?!”

She pushed past him and coursed a hand through her hair. “I can’t stand it! It’s selfish but I don’t care! I can’t stand seeing you so happy around her!”

“You can’t do this!” Gerard shouted back, his voice booming through the apartment, “You can’t just back out because it’s getting hard!”

“Fucking hell Gerard! You don’t get how hard this really is for me! And maybe,” she laughed bitterly, “Just maybe if you would have pulled your head out of your ass over the past few days you would know that I got the job as a screen writer in LA.”

“What,” His shoulders dropped and his jaw slacked, “You serious?”

“I’m leaving in two days.”

He looked down at the ground and shook his head to himself. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because,” she shrugged, “your life doesn’t revolve around just us and the band anymore. You’ve got other things to worry about and I can’t be one of them anymore.” She wiped away whatever tears remained with the back of her hand and sucked in a deep breath to steady herself.

“You can’t decide that for me,” he frowned and crossed over. His hands came up to gently grab her but she stepped back and put her hands up.

“I can’t do this anymore Gerard,” she looked him in the eye; “I can’t be on your sidelines.”

He coursed a hand through his hair and turned his back on her, cursing to himself and then whipping back and frowning so hard at her, she felt her heart sink. His eyes were glossy and his shoulders slumped down.

“Please don’t do this. Don’t leave sugar.” He whispered, grabbing a fistful of his hair stressfully.

She shrugged and shook her head, biting her lip to keep the tears at bay. “I have too.”

"No, you don't."

She couldn't take his sad demeanor, it was tearing her in half. She needed to walk away before it really got out of hand but she snapped, letting out the anger she wished she kept inside.

"We're done Gerard, we're over. I loved you but it's not enough."

The apartment fell silent and the air felt like it clasped around her throat with thick tension.

His sad expression wiped away in an instant and his eyes narrowed down at her, turning darker than she’d ever seen.

“Fine,” he snarled and walked to her front door, his hand holding tightly onto the doorknob but he turned to face her, “go fucking crazy in LA.”

She flinched when he slammed the door so hard behind him; it felt like the entire apartment shook. Now that he was gone and the rest of her apartment was dead silent she couldn’t control the sobs threatening to escape and let it out. She hurried to her room and shut the door behind her, sliding down and falling to the floor. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wished that somehow she didn’t have to do this.

-

Autumn sighed as she piled her last suitcase into the back of Frank’s car. She turned back and faced her father and her cousin as well as Riley and Taylor.

She smiled weakly and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. Everyone’s eyes on her were making her feel worse than she had before but this was goodbye and she had to go through with it.

“So…” she trailed off, awkwardly shifting from foot to foot.

“C’mere squirt,” her dad pulled her into a tight embrace and kissed her head. “Good luck out there on the west side. You’re gonna do great.”

“I’ll miss you pops,” she mumbled into his chest and hugged him back tightly, feeling her eyes sting with tears she didn’t want to release.

“I’ll miss you too kiddo.” He smiled softly and kissed her head one last time before releasing her to her friends.

They didn’t say anything to each other; they just embraced each other as tight as possible until Taylor spoke up for Riley and herself.

“We’re going to visit as soon as possible and we’re going to miss you so much but you’ll do great in Hollywood, you know.” She sniffled and smiled even though it came out as more of a frown because she couldn’t control her tears.

Autumn smiled and wiped her eyes. “Shut up, you’re going to make me cry.”

Riley let out a small wail and covered her face with embarrassment.

“Don’t look at me, I’m a mess!”

Autumn and Riley laughed and they hugged each other quickly, knowing Autumn’s flight would be leaving soon. Autumn gave them each a quick kiss on the cheek and turned back to her father.

“Stay off the junk food old man,” she jabbed a finger at him; “frozen dinners aren’t healthy!”

He waved his hand carelessly and ruffled her hair. “Be careful. I love you kid.”

She frowned at the sudden tears but replaced it with a smile for her dad and kissed his cheek.

“I love you too pops.”

She waved one last time at the three of them and got inside Frank’s car where he was patiently waiting inside for her. As soon as she shut her door he drove off towards the airport.

Autumn could feel the awkward tension in the air and swallowed back the lump in her throat. She knew saying goodbye to Frank would be the hardest because he was her best friend in the entire world and they had never been apart for more than a few minutes on the train ride from Jersey to New York.

The whole ride it was silent and she kept her eyes on the window, trying to stop herself from crying but she knew when she boarded the plane and waved goodbye to him it would all spill out.

Frank parked in front of her airline and turned on his emergency signals. She wished he could park and walk her inside but the odds were against her and she had to give him a quick goodbye outside in the New York cold.

He rushed over to the trunk and pulled out her suitcases, moving them towards her. She frowned and felt her stomach sinking.

Frank looked up at her and gave her a small smile, “I’ll see you soon, yeah?”

She let out a small cry and jumped into his arms, hugging him as tight as she could and cried onto his shoulder.

“Shh,” he comforted her and patted her back even though he was on the verge of tears. “It won’t be that bad. We can talk on the phone and emails and all of that high tech shit I was never good at.”

She didn’t respond, only cried some more on his shoulder and dug her nails into his back.

He let a few tears fall but roughly wiped them away with the back of his hand before she could see. He grabbed her forearms and pulled her away. Her hair was stuck to her watering eyes and he smiled, even though he felt like crying the same.

“You’re going to be a fucking awesome screen writer Autumn. You deserve this job. So get your ass on that plan before I push you there myself.”

She let out a small laugh and wiped her tear stained face. “Fine, you dick.”

He smiled and kissed her head tenderly. “I’ll keep an eye on your pops alright? But you be careful out there, Hollywood can be a bite in the ass.”

She nodded and thanked him quietly. He handed her suitcases over to her and her hands clasped onto the handles tightly.

“I’ll see you soon Frankie,” she smiled sadly.

Her whole life until now she had spent it by his side, she didn’t really know life apart from Frank and she was scared to see it. But they were both growing up and she had to let him go sooner or later.

“You bet your ass you will,” he grinned back and blew her a comical kiss.

She turned on her heel towards the airport but turned back at the doors and waved goodbye to him. He waved back but even from the distance she could see the tears coming from his eyes. She turned back towards the doors and stepped inside, feeling the heater on full blast.

This was it, she thought, this was a change she needed.