This Is Where It Falls Apart.

Days passed and I found myself sitting alone in my room, ignoring everybody. I was told I had free will to converse with the other teens in here, but I preferred not to socialize. They were all crazy. Katie, I knew that bitch was down right nuts. I chose to avoid her at all costs. Joy, well, her name said it all. Completely hypocritical. They should have named her Depressed. Christine, to me, was fake. As fake as her orange tan that was fading. And probably as fake as the story she told us all in group. Brad would probably be the only one I could remotely tolerate. But on the other hand, he looked like one of those people that would talk about science, and building crazy fucking mechanical projects that I wouldn't understand. So I avoided him, too. Then, there was Ryan. Sighing heavily as I thought of Ryan, I closed my eyes and pictured him in my mind. His dark, brown hair. Those puppy dog brown eyes. His soft flesh. That slender body.

"What'cha thinking about?" a familiar voice broke, causing me to open my eyes and jump.

Speak of the devil, and he shall appear. Ryan was standing there in front of me, staring down at me with a smirk plastered on his face. I refused to speak. What was I going to say? That I was just thinking about him and how amazing he looked? Even I couldn't explain why I was thinking these things. Especially about Ryan, the one person that pissed me off and got under my skin more than any human being.

"Oh. The silent treatment again. You had no problem talking back to me days ago at group. Where did your balls go?" Ryan continued.

Looking away from him, I eyed the window again, capturing my view of the world.

"Wait, that's right. You never had balls" he added.

I wanted to say something, but I knew all he wanted was a rise out of me. I didn't want to take the bait.

"So, how did you like Katie's freak out reaction to you, Bieber?" he asked.

This time, my attention was back to him.

"You tell that girl a celeb is here, and she freaks out. Then again, you can manipulate her to freak out over anything. She has a few screws loose if you hadn't noticed" he spoke with another smile.

"...You... did that?" I questioned, softly.

"Hey, I can't take all the credit. She was crazy when I got here. So the freak out over you, that was all her sheer brilliance" he responded.

"You asshole" I retorted, standing up.

"No need to get tough short stuff. No one got hurt, remember. If I truly wanted you hurt, I'd do it myself. But, I think I have other plans for you".

"What plans would those be?" I questioned again, feeling myself becoming nervous.

"You'll find out in due time. I promise that" he grinned.

"Ryan!" a male voice called, causing both of us to turn our heads towards the door.

"What?" Ryan asked.

"Dr. Hewitt is ready for you" the man announced.

"Great. Shrink time" Ryan spoke, sarcastically sounding joyful.

Looking back at him, he glanced back at me once we were alone.

"Looks like I'll be seeing you around" he said.

With that, he quickly leaned in, giving me a peck on the left cheek and rushing off without another word. I was officially stunned. Not only that, but confused as well. Stress that, really confused. A fucking kiss? From Ryan, of all people. Sitting back on my bed, I just continued to think about it. I swore I couldn't focus on anything else but that quick kiss. Was it strange that I wished he had planted it on my lips? Maybe I was going crazy. Or, maybe I was already crazy and I just needed to accept it. I was beyond confused.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My next session with Dr Hewitt was basically the same as all previous ones. I remained silent, and refused to discuss my reasons for being here. Plus the whole time in there, I was thinking about that kiss. I had thought about it on and off for a while.

"Is something bothering you?" he questioned, capturing my attention now as opposed to looking at my feet. "You seem awfully quiet today. More so than usual".

How could I remotely explain what had been boggling my mind lately? Plus, if I confessed about Ryan's actions, they would more than likely keep him away from me, permanently. And some crazy part of me wasn't wanting that. Strange, right?

"Justin? Are you hearing me?" he asked, staring me down.

Nodding my head in response, he softly smiled.

"Are you going to discuss what's bothering you?" he asked, making sure he had a pen handy to jot down any notes in my file.

"I don't feel comfortable" I answered, looking back at my hands in my lap, mostly eyeing the scar on my right wrist.

It was so pale against the rest of my skin, it stood out boldly.

"You can trust me, Justin. I will not talk about anything you don't want me to discuss. It is all confidential. I won't even discuss this with your mother if you don't want. It's between us" he noted.

"But it's all in that folder" I pointed at it as I looked up. "So technically, anyone can find out".

"It stays locked in my file cabinet. Only I view this. The only things the staff knows is what medications you are on, if any" he reminded.

"True... but like... you make us talk openly in group about why we are here... It's the same thing as having your file on blast" I stated, seeming confident in my response.

"Yes, they discuss it. But that is their choice. No one forces them. Them being able to discuss it shows growth and progress. They want to get beyond their bad points" he spoke.

Fucking doctors. They always had some sort of retaliation. Or they did the whole mind fuck by answering a question with a question.

"What about Ryan?" I questioned.

"What about Ryan?" Dr Hewitt mimicked.

"You know what I mean" I responded, looking at the doctor now as opposed to my file on his desk.

"No, I don't. Do you care to elaborate?" he asked.

"Not especially" I spoke.

"Then why did you bring him up?".

"Because."

"Because why?".

"Jesus Christ... He didn't open up in group to me, and you know that... But apparently, he has to you, right?" I admitted, making it blunt.

"Well, yes. He has opened up to me about bits and pieces" Dr Hewitt revealed.

"Then what's his deal?" I asked.

"He's had a troubled past. But I am not allowed to speak further about it" he answered.

"Yeah, I figured".

"Is there something about Ryan you'd like to discuss?" he questioned.

"No... Not really" I lied.

"Then feel free to talk whenever you want".

The last twenty minutes of my session, I sat in silence again, refusing to speak about anything.

"Session,s over Justin. I'll see you again in three days" Dr Hewitt announced.

Getting up from my seat, I left the room and headed back to mine. They had put me to see him now twice a week instead of five days a week. Every Monday and Thursday. I guess he got sick of my silence for an hour and hoped I'd speak if we reduced the sessions. Still hadn't changed much.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

That Saturday, as I was lying on my bed, eyes closed, I began to think about Ryan again. I couldn't understand or even explain why he was on my mind so much. It felt as though this was becoming an unhealthy obsession. That kiss, if you can really call it that, was still on my mind. It had been days, yet it was still the only thing I could think about. Opening my eyes, I eyed the ceiling, letting out a heavy sigh once more. I swore that maybe asking Ryan about the whole 'kiss' thing might do me some good,. Maybe he would admit why he did it. Or prove to me that I was completely over thinking everything. Or maybe he would admit he did it just to get under my skin. Sighing again, I closed my eyes once again, not focusing on anything in the room and blocking out the lights. What seemed like minutes later, I was disrupted.

"So, you've been talking about me?" a voice shot, causing my eyes to open quickly.

My eyes met with a very familiar set. Ryan was standing to the left of me, directly next to my bed. How long had he been standing there? I hadn't even heard him come in. He was looking down at me, and I couldn't tell if he was upset or if he was pissed off.

"Wh...what?" I questioned, shaking myself from my daze.

"You've been talking about me. Or more like asking about me" he replied, causing me to sit up now and angle my body towards him.

He had my full attention with that statement.

"Who... who said that?" I stammered, feeling my face becoming hot.

"Dr Hewitt" he answered.

So much for confidentiality, huh?

"He said you brought me up in your last session, asking why I'm here, like it's any of your business, rock star".

"Look, Ryan..."

"No. you look" he cut me off, "I'm not your business. And you have no right talking about me in your therapy session. I'm not your problem. And I suggest from now on, you butt the fuck out".

"Then why do you keep bothering me?... I mean... you're always coming to my room, and making remarks towards me. If you weren't doing that stuff, then... like maybe I wouldn't have talked about you, you know?" I spoke, trying to make it clear.

"The reasons I come here is none of your business. You'll find out in due time" he responded.

I didn't like that he kept saying that, at all.

"But like I said, butt out of my business. I'm not your concern" he reminded.

"Understood" I agreed.

"I always knew you were smarter than you looked. Now be good, 'cause I'd hate to have to hurt you" he smirked.

He walked off after that, leaving me alone once more. Man, so much for that. Apparently, talking to Dr Hewitt about Ryan was out of the question for good. All thoughts about Ryan were best kept to myself. Lesson learned.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~