Fantasy Lies Beyond the Reach of Time

I almost couldn't believe how badly I had acted. What was wrong with me? Blaire needed me really badly right now; she had spent two weeks thinking I was dead and she was pregnant with our child.

But then I can't help but wonder if she'd be better off without me.

Our child definitely would be, what sort of role model would I be?

I've started to take drugs again and I've been drinking heavily. All this because what Brian did, but I don't want to tell anyone. It will have to be our secret.

It makes me sick to my stomach every time I see him, every time I lay my eyes on him, I just feel what he did to me. I hadn't even told the police how bad it had gotten. He's my best friend and for some reason, I still don't want to get in him trouble for what he did.

I loved Blaire dearly, but I wasn't good for her not at all.

I sat, watching her sleep. I had upset her so much with my fooling around. It was going so perfect, why did I have to screw her around like that?

I walked into my office and sat at my desk, staring at a picture of me and Brian that I had left on the desk. We looked so happy, so carefree, we were best friends. But now that was fucked. I felt a tear trickle down my face. I didn't want to break down, I couldn't break down.

I grabbed my iPod from my pocket and quickly put it on shuffle, planning to get the horrible thoughts out of my head. The first song that came on reflected my mood perfectly, 4:AM Forever by Lostprophets.

I wasn't really paying attention but some of the lyrics drifted into my head. Yesterday I wanted time to end, I wonder if my heart will ever mend... Maybe you thought that it was all pretend, All these words that I could never say, I just let them slip away... Maybe one day when I can move along, Maybe someday when you can hear this song...

That was when it hit me. I couldn't actually cope any more. With shaking hands, I turned off the iPod and carefully stashed it into the desk drawer. I let out a soft sigh and grabbed some paper, writing a note to Blaire, explaining everything, but telling her that I loved her. Then I wrote another note to out child, telling them I was sorry. The notes to the guys were shorter, but I made it clear in all of them that it wasn't their fault. I left Brian's until last, just writing You broke me.

Then I slowly walked into where Blare was sleeping and left the notes on my pillow. She sighed a little in her sleep and cuddled the pillow tighter. I kissed her forehead and mumbled “I love you more than you can even imagine. I'm sorry”

then I walked into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I shuffled through the cupboard until I found my razorblades. With two swift movements, I cut both my wrists open. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would and I just sat on the floor, watching my own blood puddle around me.

I heard frantic banging on the door, Blaire screaming at me to open the door. Everything started to go blurry and I just closed my eyes, revelling in the darkness and silence that followed.