November

Blackouts were not uncommon for me, but I'd never experienced one where more than two hours were unaccounted for.

That night I had about six.

Karla, Sam, and I got dropped off by a very drowsy Will. Sam walked directly into the side door not caring if we were caught while Karla ran after her whisper-screaming that her parents were asleep. I was paranoid enough without Sam's carelessness added to the mix. Darting up to the third floor and skipping the fourth step on both staircases, I was back in known territory.

All I wanted was to collapse in bed and sleep for days.

Instead, Sam coaxed me into taking a shower with her so I did, washing last night off of me. My body protested with the lack of food and too many drugs. Stepping out of the shower, we dried off and I sat down on the toilet, relishing the silence for a minute.

She asked me what was wrong and for the first time in our relationship, I lied and said nothing. And had no remorse about it. I got dressed and went downstairs to make food, only to find Karla's mom already up and breakfast halfway cooked. She looked at me, said sit down, and told me to find new friends. I pleaded innocence and didn't listen.

Obviously.

Sam went out with her dad for lunch. I helped Karla get ready for her "date." The cop from Philly she was fucking was coming to see her. Yes, a cop.

My initial reaction was fuck! Karla, you're only 17! This is bad! He'll arrest you! At least that's what I thought until she told me he thought she was 19 and he packed a bowl. She told him I was 18 and staying with her for a while till I get my shit together. It wasn't a total lie.

So we smoked. With a cop. And drank. With a cop. And then I retreated upstairs when Sam got home so Karla could fuck. With a cop. And I fucked. With a girl that somewhere deep inside of me I knew was fucking up my life.

The sad part is the part of me that didn't care was even bigger.