Seashells

August 14th, 2007

Sometimes I hated myself. And sometimes, I still do.

That was one of those times. Why? Because you left me with a perfect opportunity to just say something. I could have said, "I'd love to be a better girlfriend" or "Do you want me to be your girlfriend?" But no. Instead, I started talking about the quality of my sandwiches in an attempt to be funny.

So yeah, that was that. We finished our ice cream and walked home together because there was nothing else to do. I remember getting so mad at myself for not taking that chance when I had it.

I was determined to talk to you about it before I had to leave the island. I had to or I would go crazy. And we only had a few more days together on the island, so time was running out.

Yet I still did nothing. I admit it - I was scared. Then I told myself you had basically told me that you liked me many times, so what was there to be afraid of? But I didn't do anything because honestly, I was terrified of rejection.

So what was worse? Rejected or never knowing? That question kept asking itself over and over in those few days after we completed our ice cream tradition. Then when it came time to leave the island, I had my answer.

"He's a douchebag," Sim said.

I looked over at Matt. He was talking to Halden and making very interesting gestures with his hands. "He doesn't look like one."

"Well he is."

I knew she was saying that because she was dumped by him, but I didn't say anything about it. I didn't want to deal with her denying it when the truth was right in front of us. "If you say so."

"I don't know why more people are leaving later this year," she said. "It just gets so crowded."

"Des and Karen left," I pointed out.

"Yeah, whatever," she said. I noticed that her eyes were still on Matt and she watched as he went over to talk to you. "How's Aden, by the way?"

"He's okay," I said. I debated on whether to tell her about what had happened. It was a tough choice because she was one of my best friends, but although she was great to hang out with, she was never really the kind of person to talk to.

"You still want in his pants?"

"Maybe a little."

"You should talk to him, then."

I knew that without her telling me. But what would I say? Sim would know the perfect way to put it because that's just her. But I was Cassie, not Sim. And I didn't particularly want to ask her because then I'd have to tell her the situation and then she'd wonder why we were talking about her. So I was on my own. "I guess I should."

"Go," she said. "It's not like you'll get any other chances this year."

She had a point. I went over to where you were standing with Matt. "Hey."

"Strawberry whore-cake!" Matt said. He gave me a big hug (which I have to admit was amazing, mainly due to the fact that he smelled really good).

"Hi Matt," I said after he let go.

"This is so sad," he said. "I can't believe summer is over already."

"I know," I said. "It went by so fast. It feels like we got nothing done."

"You were grounded for three weeks," you reminded me. I was glad you joined the conversation. "Not much of a summer."

"It's all your fault Cassie. I can't stand to look at you anymore!" Matt said. He then just randomly walked away and started talking to Jared about boobs or something like that.

That left me with you. "It is my fault, huh?"

"Well, it wasn't really your idea to get grounded in the first place," you said.

"So it's all Sim's fault."

We both turned to look at her at the same time. Luckily, she wasn't looking at us or that would have been pretty awkward. You said, "Maybe it is. What a horrible person."

"You're the one who dated her," I teased.

"It was a one time thing!" you said. "Like I said, she wasn't even that great."

"I would be so much better than her."

"Matt would be so much better than her," you said. "Like I said, she's a great friend, but nothing more. And yes... you'd be so much better."

This was it. I had a second chance to say something. It was like you knew what I wanted and you wanted me to say something. I can't even describe how crazy I was feeling at that moment. I didn't want to mess things up. "Oh really?"

"Of course."

"Well," I said, "I'd love to try and prove that."

"I'd love that too," you said, smiling.

That definitely brought a blush to my freckly cheeks. "Really?"

"Really. But..."

This was when my stomach started sinking. "But what?"

"I don't think it would be the best idea to start something right now."

"Why?"

"It's the end of summer, Cass," you said. "We won't be able to see each other, and... yeah."

"Oh," I said. "Okay."

"No, I really would like you to be my girlfriend," you said quickly. "It's just that now isn't the time, you know?"

I did know. But that didn't mean I liked it. "Yeah, I get it."

"Next summer, things will be great."

I thought about that and decided I liked the idea. "You're right. It will be the best."

You smiled, and then you leaned in and kissed me. "Next summer, Cassie. It will be the best summer of your life."