Seashells

July 22nd, 2008

A few days later, you ended up calling me and asking me to hang out wih you at the beach. I agreed, obviously. You told me to bring a camera so I took my old digital one and shoved it in my bag.

When I got there, I found you standing alone, playing with your phone. "Anyone else coming?" I asked curiously.

"Nah, we don't need those douchebags," you said. "Besides, it's been a while since we've done something just by ourselves."

"So what are doing today?"

"We can just... walk."

And that was what we did. It wasn't anything amazing, but it was nice. It was nice to be with you, just talking about things. We never mentioned the fact that I probably wouldn't see you again for a while once you left or the fact that you had feelings towards someone that wasn't me. Or the fact that you must have known how I still felt about you. We talked about simple things like we always did that summer, and even so, I loved it.

Even though I don't want to write it... I loved you. Maybe I wasn't hopelessly in love with you, or in love at all. But I knew that I loved you in some way. I cared about you, I enjoyed being with you.

"What if we never met?" I asked you when the thought came into my head. "Where would we be now?"

"I think we would have met sooner or later, since we have family friends and shit," you said. "But I guess, yeah, if that whole ice cream thing didn't happen, everything would be so different."

"Yeah. I mean, we'd probably be friends with everyone else on the island that we are now, because we're around the same age. So we'd still hang out with each other and stuff."

You kicked at some sand. "I don't think we'd be as close."

"Not at all," I agreed.

"I would hate that."

"A lot of things I've done relate to you," I admit. "I mean, even the password on my computer."

"Oh really? Obsessed much?" You were smiling, so I knew you weren't seriously accusing me of being a stalker or anything.

"Yeah. It had to do with our ice cream. My friend guessed it right, and she doesn't even know you."

"Well, you really like ice cream so it's not too hard... You almost need to go to rehab for it."

"Shut up."

"Oh look!" you said suddenly, and pointed to a sculpture of sand by the shore. Sometimes artists would come to the beach and make things that I never in a million years would be able to make. This one happened to be a mermaid, apparently sunbathing. "Do you still have your camera?"

I dug around in my bag and found it. "Yeah."

"Take a picture of this sexiness," you said, then proceeded to make some rather obscene poses near the life-sized sculpture. Luckily there weren't any kids around us, or they would be scarred for life.

"What do you think your mother would say if she saw this?" I asked, trying to keep a straight face.

"She'd be proud," you said, as you sat down on the mermaid (normally, for once). "But really. Don't let anyone see those."

"Whatever you say," I said, looking at the pictures I had taken. From your seat on the sculpture, you picked up a seashell that was by your feet. Of course, you had been doing this throughout our walk, but I noticed something about it. "You don't throw as many away as you used to."

"Yeah, because I guess in a way they're all beautiful. I mean, I feel really gay saying this, but it's true."

"I see."

"Come on, let's walk."

We kept going, and we didn't know where exactly we were going. But that was the beauty of it. In the moment, we had all the time we wanted. In that moment, it didn't matter that in reality, our time was limited. It didn't matter that your heart belonged to someone else, because in my mind at that time, you were mine. We were together, and it brought a happiness to me that I can't really put into words. Being with you triggered it.

We talked about past years on the island, the ups and downs of life. We talked about the time Matt almost fell off of the roof of his house or when Sim accidentally made her eyebrows lopsided and had to change her hairstyle for it. In all honesty, it didn't matter what we were talking about, because I liked to hear the way you thought about things and how you felt at times. While we were reminiscing, I thought I could hold onto those times forever. It didn't feel like next year, everything would change. I thought summer would be everlasting.

The weather was beautiful that day, and so was the ocean. The sun shone brightly, making sparkles on the clear water. It was gorgeous. Since we were walking for such a long time, we got to this giant rock sitting right on the sand. It wasn't like the other rocks, where we had to climb out onto them to get there. This one was just on the beach, for anyone to rest on. We took a seat there.

"I want to have a beach wedding," I blurted out randomly.

"Why?" you asked. "Would you want to get all sandy or something?"

"No, the beach is just so pretty," I said. "Though I suppose I'll never get married."

"I'm sure you will. I don't think a guy could pass you up."

You did, I wanted to say so badly. But of course, I didn't. "I don't really believe in love." But you could change that, you know.

"Really? Most girls I know do."

"I guess I'm not like them."

"You can say that again," you said. "I don't know. I think I do."

"You do what?"

"I believe in love." You cringed. "Don't make me say it again."

"Oh my god, I'm going to tell the whole world!" I said, but then you punched me lightly in the arm.

"Shut up, Cassidy."

"Fine, it'll be our secret. Why do you, though?"

"It has to exist, or people wouldn't talk about it all the time. I mean, yeah, there are those people who just want to do each other and mistake it as being real, but there are those who don't."

"I think the only thing you're in love with is your seashells."

You rolled your eyes. "Possibly. But look at them."

You pulled out some shells from your pocket, along with a single piece of coral, and you held them out to me. "What about them?"

"Do you remember the time you stepped on a piece of a broken shell?"

"Oh yeah. Now I remember why I hate these things."

You rolled your eyes yet again. The gesture reminded me of Sim, but it was completely different on you. "Well, these things can hurt you, right?"

"Yeah, obviously. Fucking bitches."

"Cassidy, you're horrible at being serious," you said.

"Yeah, I know." I did tend to ruin moments a lot, especially when I got nervous. And right then, you don't know how nervous I was. What if I said something wrong, and I destroyed everything? I knew you weren't the type of person to get pissed off if I did, but you were important to me, and I just didn't want to risk it.

"Anyway... yeah. It's like loving someone. It can hurt you, just like these can. But at the same time, it can mean something to you, just like what these mean to me. You remember my whole explanation on it..."

"Of course I do."

"So think about it, Cassie. It doesn't have to be all bad or all good."

I thought about it, and I realized how great of a person you were. You could joke around with me, you could comfort me, and you could talk about things like this, explaining to me about life and love. It was too amazing for words, and to me, you were too amazing for words. Sure, you weren't perfect, I wasn't perfect, and we, together, weren't perfect. Not in the general meaning of the term. But to me... it was flawless.

"Let me take a picture," I said after a moment of silence. You held the seashells up into the sunlight, where the water made a marvelous background. I picked up my camera and took a picture, capturing the moment forever.

You shoved the shells back into your pocket and then moved next to me. "What do you think of this?"

I stared at the image on my screen. There were so many things I wanted to say to you right then. I could have told you, yes, maybe I did believe in love, I just didn't realize it yet. No, I wasn't happy about your girlfriend, the way I had pretened to be all summer. And I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, we could finally have something, and I would be happy.

There were so many things I needed to tell you, but all I said was, "That's pretty."