Seashells

August 1st, 2008

I couldn't believe that summer was almost over again. It couldn't be true.

There was also the fact that you were leaving early this year. Something about getting ready for your last year of high school. So time was limited. Of course, we all knew that, but as is drew closer to the end, it became more evident.

I was stuck. I didn't want to go on with the way I felt about you if you were just going to leave. Sometimes I wished you were an asshole so it would be so much easier for me to just stop caring. But things are never that easy.

I noticed myself doing things to get your attention. At that point, I was desperate. I wanted you to notice me, but most of all, I wanted you to realize. Realize how much I really cared for you, and what you were really doing to me.

It was the little things, like talking and being a bit more open, or simple flirting - either with you or the other guys. Anything to get your attention.

When there were only a few days left of your stay, I had just about given up. I could feel the oncoming misery build up in my chest, and I would do anything to get rid of it.

"Hey Cassie, wanna hang out today?"

"Uh, sure. What time?"

"I dunno, whenever you feel like it. I can wait."

"Soon, I guess. Who's going to be there?"

"Just us. Come to my house?"

"Oh, okay. See you soon, Matt."

I hung up the phone. I was glad that he had asked me to hang out with him - he was a great distraction. He was the type of person who could keep you entertained, and yet, you could talk to him about nearly anything.

I got Austin to drive me to Matt's house, but it was already dark out. I decided it didn't matter. When I got there, I realized that I had never actually been inside his house before. To be honest, I expected a bunch of weird shit everywhere.

What I got instead was a nice clean living room. I couldn't connect it with the thought of Matt at all.

"How do you like it?" he asked me. He talked more quietly than usual, and I wondered if he was always this way at home.

"Definitely not what I expected," I replied honestly.

"Wait til you see my room, then," he murmured. He led me to his room, which looked like it came straight from a magazine. I was astonished. He said sheepishly, "I guess I'm a bit of a neat freak."

"No kidding." I'd never actually seen a room like this before. "Didn't think you were like that."

"Yeah, well there's a lot of things about me that you don't know."

"I bet," I said, sitting on his bed. It was so perfectly made that I was afraid I would ruin it. "Where's your mom? I've never met her."

"I don't know."

"What?" I was confused by this.

"Sometimes she leaves for a few days. I don't really know where she goes, but I'm not about to ask her."

"So... what? Do you like, live by yourself then?"

"Pretty much. It'd be cool if she left me a car or something, but nope. She takes it with her, wherever she goes. I mean, yeah, sometimes I can use it if she's home. We're not bad on money or anything, so I'm okay in that part."

I thought back to what he had said to me a few minutes ago. There's a lot of things about me that you don't know. He was already proving his statement. "That's horrible."

"Not really," he said, sitting next to me. "It's been like this since my dad died. So I'm used to it. It's getting easier too, 'cause I'm getting older and all that. Plus, it's not like my mom is secretly a prostitute or anything."

"You don't know that."

"Yeah..."

"You know you could come stay with me if you get lonely," I offered, even though I didn't know if I could actually go through with it.

"It's okay," he said. I heard a sadness in his voice that I never had before, and it was so unlike him.

"No, really." I scooted over and gave him a hug. As he wrapped his arms around me in return, I wondered what it would be like if I had fallen for him instead of you.

"You just want me in your bedroom," he said, raising his eyebrows and sounding more like the Matt I knew and loved.

"You wish," I said, letting go of him.

"Well, I already have you in my bedroom."

I smacked him lightly and got up. "Fine, I'm leaving then."

"Nooo," he said. He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me back onto the bed. The force caused us both to tip over backwards. I tried to get away, but he was stronger than me.

"Rape!"

"No it's not, 'cause you like it." Matt then pulled the top of his blankets over my head. "Look, now you can't leave. You're mine forever."

By then, I wasn't even trying to get away anymore. My heart was racing as my body reacted to this situation. But that's just it - it was my body reacting, not my mind.

He sat back up then, and though I was free to go, I didn't. I knew him and I knew that this playful flirting was a part of his personality. I always knew he was just joking around... but then, I wasn't so sure.

It became clear when he leaned in and kissed me. I was surprised at first, but I kissed him back. Some part of me felt guilty. Because I wished it was you instead. Because I know Matt didn't deserve that. Because I felt like I was cheating on you in a way, even though we weren't together. Because everything was so wrong, but I, in a way, liked it.

Somehow, we ended up making out on his bed. I didn't have much experience in this field, but he definitely did. Physically, I was enjoying myself. Mentally, I'm not sure. I did find him very attractive in all senses of the word, but I didn't know if it went further than that. If I didn't have feelings for you, being a with a guy like him would be my dream. In a way, you kind of ruined it. Yet I still doubted everything because I knew for so long that you had someone else. Why did I keep trying?

So that's the moment I decided to forget you. Or at least try.

At one point he pulled away. We sat up straight once more, and he took my left hand in his right. He just looked at me for a minute, and I looked at him. He really was one of my closest friends, but was there something more in this?

"Cassidy," he said slowly. "I think I love you."

I didn't know what to say to that, so I did the first thing that came to mind - I leaned in again and basically attacked him, and with my free hand, I went for his pants.

You know where it goes from there. I won't explain in detail or anything at all. But let me tell you - it was good. He was good. During that time, I forgot about you, and I couldn't tell if it was a good thing or not. Perhaps it was.

Never in a million years would I think that things would happen that way. But I think I just needed to let go for once, and that I did.

While we were lying in his bed afterward, I didn't care that my clothes were everywhere and that it would probably take me forever to find them. I knew that I would probably regret this the next day. I knew that thoughts of you would eventually come back to me, and I would be miserable all over again.

But as I fell asleep in his arms, my bare skin pressing against his, I simply didn't care.