Seashells

August 5th, 2008

The time finally came for the day you left, and I knew I had to leave my room sometime. All of our friends were supposed to meet at the ice cream parlor to say goodbye to you and see you off.

You weren't leaving until six, so we were supposed to hang out with you and do crazy, memorable shit. I honestly didn't know if I wanted to come out for that. My phone had a lot of missed calls and unread messages. The only person I replied to during those few days was Minh. I told her everything, but she had no advice for me, because I didn't even know how I was feeling, so how would she know?

I figured I would tell everyone that I was sick and then show up for this. It turns out that my lame excuse was acceptable because Matt really was sick, and everyone assumed that I had given it to him, so I was safe in that sense. I was also safe because I didn't really want to be with Matt. I knew that Matt wasn't the type to be all loving and romantic to the point that it got annoying, but he still told me how he felt about me and that would change things, especially in public, and I didn't know how to deal with that. You would be around, too, and that would make it worse.

The ice cream parlor was normal. No one said anything to me about Matt, even though I thought that Sim had probably spread it around. Surprisingly, she kept it to herself. I didn't think that Matt would really tell anyone, because he wasn't like that.

We ate our ice cream just like we did every year, and it felt weird - and heartbreaking - to know that it was our last time doing this. You and I talked normally, like nothing had happened. We had fun with everyone there, I'll admit. But I still felt like something was wrong, and it was all my fault.

At around four thirty, you had to go and get your stuff ready to leave. Your family would still come here with your sister in the summer, so it wasn't like you had to take every single thing you owned back to New York. You said you would be coming back to the ferry at six, and everyone planned to see you off there.

I felt kind of dead once you left us. Sure, I still had Sim, Halden, Des, and Karen, but without you or Matt, it seemed empty. About half an hour after you had gone, I received a text message from you.

Meet me at the seashells?

I'll admit it - my heart jumped when I got that. I knew the place you were referring to. It had to be the place where I took that picture. When I thought about it, I didn't exactly remember where it was or how I would get there. I retraced our steps in my mind, and realized that it wasn't all that far away from the ice cream parlor.

It did take me quite a while to get there, due to the fact that I wasn't the fastest walker, and that I had to make up an excuse so to why I was leaving early. I said I wasn't feeling too good, but I would be sure to come back to say bye to you if Ii felt better. They accepted this excuse.

I got down to the beach, and you were standing there by yourself. It was strangely deserted. Your back was to me, and you seemed to be staring out at the ocean.

"Aden?"

"Hey Cassidy," you said, smiling. It already made me happier that you were looking at me like that, and I hated it.

"What's up?"

"I just wanted to talk to you," you said. "I mean, without everyone else around."

"How come?" I wondered if you had something specific to speak to me about, and I wondered if I was in trouble or something.

"I dunno. You're just one of my best friends here. I mean, definitely the person I've known for the longest on the island."

"Oh. I see."

"We've been through a lot. I can't believe it's just going to be... over."

"I know," I said. It still didn't feel like it was really happening. It felt like a dream, and summer wasn't over yet.

"Anyway..." you said, your expression darkening a bit, "I heard about you and Matt."

"Oh?" I said. I felt myself panicking a bit. How was I going to answer to this one?

"Yeah, he told me. He cares for you a lot, he really does. Are you two happy?"

I could have lied and said yes then. I could have left it at that. But I told myself that this was my last chance to be honest. "I don't know."

"You were pretty happy when you were at his house..." You raised an eyebrow.

"I... I don't know how I feel about him. I think it's all going too fast, and I don't think I want to be with him."

"So what, then? You sleep with him, and then you expect nothing of it?"

"I don't know."

"He's one of my best friends," you said. "You can't hurt him. I think he really does love you."

"I know."

"Are you just going to do nothing about it?"

"I don't know what to do, Aden."

"I can't believe you, Cassidy."

"I'm sorry."

"You shouldn't be apologizing to me." There was a silence, and you averted your eyes from me. I just stood there, staring at you, numb. I didn't know what to feel or how to answer to your questions, and I desperately wanted to go back to my room and just... hide. As a wave crashed down and made its way up to our feet, you asked, "Why did you do it?"

Last chance to be honest, I told myself. "Because I didn't know what else to do."

"I thought you have more control over yourself than that, Cassie. You don't do these things unless you want it."

"I did it because I couldn't get what I wanted." The truth was coming out, and I closed my eyes. I didn't want to see the world, because I was afraid it would somehow take revenge on me for being such a horrible person.

"What did you want, Cassidy? Did you want Matt to suffer and be led on? Because I think, right now, that's what you're getting."

"I wanted you." The words were out, and I couldn't take them back. I opened my eyes to see your face, angry in a way that I had never seen it before.

"I know we had our past. I know we had something going on, but I thought that this summer, which was going to be the best summer of our lives, we would settle things. I was wrong, wasn't I?"

"I - "

"Don't get me wrong here. You know I can't get rid of my feelings for you, but I tried to put the past behind me. Especially when I found out that you had something going on with Matt. I don't want to hurt him, but it looks like you've already done it."

"So what are you trying to say?" I felt my own anger building up here. "Are you saying through this whole summer, while you have this other girl waiting for you back home, you still felt something for me? And yet you didn't do anything about it?"

"I didn't want to hurt her! I thought you were strong enough to move on!"

"I'm not!" I said, and the truth of my statement hurt.

"You're going to have to." Another pause. "Do you know why I called you here today?"

"To talk, just like you said."

"Yeah... but I wanted to talk to you about us. I planned this, you know. You can't deny we've had something here between us, right?"

"I guess."

"I didn't want to lose touch with you. I thought, maybe, something could happen."

"Even with this other girl who's probably thinking of you back home?"

"That's not the point," you said defensively.

"No, it is. Aden, you are such a fucking hypocrite."

"What did I do now?"

"You don't want me to hurt Matt because of how I feel about you, but you can do whatever the fuck you want to this other girl for the way you feel about me?"

"She doesn't love me!" you exclaimed. "Matt... he loves you."

"You don't know that!" My voice was almost at a yelling level then, and I was glad that the beach was as deserted as it was.

"So tell me the truth for once, Cassidy. Did you fuck Matt just to get my attention? Because you're a pretty messed up person if you did."

"So what if I did!" I screamed. It was so unlike me to do something like this, and I wondered how long I needed to get everything out. My hands were shaking in anger, but at the same time, I did not want to be angry at you at all.

"Well, it worked! But not in the way you wanted!"

"It's better than fucking nothing! You knew all this time how I felt about you, and you felt the same way, yet you did absolutely nothing about it."

"I didn't want to mess anything up."

"Because that worked out so well, didn't it?"

"Okay, I get it!" you shouted. "We're both pretty fucked up people. And you know what? It will never work out. We were messed up from the start."

"And what's going to happen now, huh?" I could feel tears forming at the back of my eyes, but my stubbornness kept them from falling.

"I'm just going to leave and that will be that. Have fun telling Matt that you don't really have an interest in him at all."

"And what about this other girl? How do you think she would feel if she found out her boyfriend was a nearly cheating asshole?"

"She'll never know!"

"You're just as fucked up as I am, Aden."

"And you think I like that?" I think, looking back at that moment, you were as sad as I was. At the time, I could only register anger. A scary kind of anger that I just didn't associate with you, and it terrified me. "I'm done with you, Cassie. This is the last time you'll see me. Don't expect to hear from me ever again. My ferry is going to be here in half an hour. We can put this all behind us."

"So this is bye, then?"

"Yeah. Bye, Cassidy."

"Bye."

You walked away, I don't know if you looked back, because I never turned around to see. I didn't watch you as you left. I knew that if I did, I would want to run into your arms, apologize, and beg you never to leave. I had too much dignity to do that, and so I stood there, staring at the ocean.

After I was sure you were gone, I sat down. I didn't care that my pants were getting all sandy. I just sat there, thinking about nothing. My foot touched something buried in the sand, and I dug it up to see that it was a seashell. I flung it as far as I could, and it landed in the ocean with a pitiful splash.

I willed myself not to cry, and I didn't. I knew it could come later, and unexpectedly too. But at that moment, I kept checking my phone. Five forty, five forty-five. It was getting closer to the time where everything would really be... over.

Five fifty. By then I had accepted it for the most part, except I was still numb to the truth. I didn't want to feel it. At one point, I thought I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned to my right and saw nothing, and this reminded me of the trick you had played on me three years ago, when we were still happy and problem-free. My heart started to race again, in the wild hope that you were repeating it, and you were there to tell me that everything would be okay again soon.

I turned to my left, but no one was there, and I was reminded that you would never be there again.