Seashells

February 12th, 2012

I spent the last days of that summer hiding away. I didn't feel like socializing, and I didn't want to face the problems I had created. And oh, there were problems.

I didn't talk to anyone in the remaining time on the island but Sim. That was because she barged into my house after you left and asked why "Aden was so pissed off". I told her I didn't know, still clinging on to that sickness excuse that I had used earlier, even though I knew it was pretty much pointless.

The next few days were spent in misery; I was crying on and off. I was tempted to go to Matt, who would surely be able to comfort me, or at least distract me, even though I knew it would make me an even worse person.

But then Sim came by again a few days later, asking me why "Matt was such a wreck". I told her I didn't know again, and there was another huge lie to my name. I figured that you had told Matt about the truth, and I don't blame you for it.

It came time to leave again, and that was the first time I had left my house in a week. I got on the ferry as usual, but it felt so wrong that you weren't there to say goodbye to me. I guess it would have happened this way whether I fought with you or not, though.

I was just sitting in my seat on the ferry and thinking about how badly I fucked everything up when someone sat down next to me. It was Matt. We didn't say anything the whole ride, and I could feel the sad negativity in the air.

When we stood up to go, we both spoke at the same time. He said, "Cassidy," while I said, "I'm sorry."

There was a pause until he asked, "Why?"

I thought about it and I was quite for a second, and then said, "Because I'm a messed up person and I'm sorry. I know you don't deserve that."

He sighed. "I know."

"You should learn how to pick them better," I told him.

"I don't know..."

"I bet you have all these other girls after you back home."

He sighed again. "They're not you."

And you're not Aden, I thought. Instead of speaking my thoughts, I said nothing.

"So... are you coming to the island again next year?" he asked. I shook my head. "Yeah, I don't think I'm coming either."

"I think I'm done with that place," I said.

"Same."

By then everyone in front of us had exited the ferry, and it was our time to go. We were both hesitant to leave.

"So... this is goodbye then?" I said.

"Yeah." He paused again for what seemed like the millionth time, then held out his arms. "One last time?"

I accepted this offer. He hugged me for a moment, and then he kissed me. I didn't pull away, but it was brief anyway. It was short and sweet, unlike some of the kisses we had shared before, and for some reason, I felt like I needed it. Even though I didn't love him.

That was the last I saw of him. I wonder how he is now. We keep in touch sometimes - there's a text message here and there, the random phone call. I think he's doing okay. I'm not sure he ever really loved me.

And as promised, that day was also the last time I ever saw you. The difference is that you left me with no direct connection to you. You keep in touch with Matt sometimes, and Sim, but with me... I guess you really did decide it was better off that way.

For a while, I thought it was too. I went on with my life, graduated high school, and here I am, in college. I had to work my ass off for that, but I think it was worth it.

So how does that relate to you? Where does that leave me now? Why am I even writing these? I feel so silly asking myself these questions. These are the letters you'll never read. I think I'm asking myself because I need to know these answers.

Where does it leave me? I'm not exactly sure. I've gone on with my life, but it's not like I could forget you, and I don't think I want to either. You were a significant part of my life in those days, and I don't want to lose a part of myself. I guess I've changed. I've been focusing more on studies lately, and that is so unlike me before. I guess it came with growing up.

Why am I writing these? I can't forget our stories, Aden. Over the three months it took for me to write out the most important of our experiences, I lived through them again. There's a lot I didn't write about, and you know that. It's the little things that make us, and I think those are for me to keep in my mind.

So why did I even start? Truth is, when I started writing these back in December, I heard something. I still don't like to think about it... Sim told me, actually. I don't talk to her as much, but at least she still has contact with you. She told me you had recently gotten engaged to your girlfriend, Hannah. The same one you started dating right before that fateful summer.

At first, I didn't know how to feel about that. I thought we were still young, and I didn't know if you were ready for that. But I guess I was no one to judge. Then I thought back to the summer, when you almost hurt her, and I wondered if she knew.

That was when I started writing these letters. I'll admit that I was miserable when I found out, even though I thought I had accepted the fact that you weren't in my life anymore. But I found that to get over it, I had to go back and relive it. This is what I've been doing. Maybe now, I can put it behind me.

Today is your birthday, Aden. Through writing this last letter, I've changed my mind. I think I will send these to you, as a birthday present of sorts. I guess it's not the most pleasant thing, but... I think it needs to be done.

It will show you how I felt, what really happened. I suppose it can't hurt, because it's already happened. The past is the past, and I wrote it just as it happened. I write only truth. I've said this before, but looking back on these letters, there is so much I wish I could rewrite and it would turn into reality. But you and I know it will never happen, because truth stays truth and some feelings never go away.

I guess you'll receive these letters soon, but it's your choice whether you read them or not. But here's one thing. You see this picture that I have put at the top of everything? You should recognize it. Yes, those are your hands holding the seashells, and I hope you remember this moment as perfectly as I do.

This was the moment I should have told I loved you. I'm sorry it took me so long.

And I hope it's not too late.