Frank on a Leash

Frank and Mikey piled up under their tree in their usual spots at lunch. Mikey with his back against the rough back of the tree, and Frank leaning on him. Most of the time they didn't bother actually eating lunch--just fueling more gossip for Mikey's obvious serious case of anorexia--but today they had chicken sandwiches, so Frank bought one. He leaned his head back to rest on Mikey's shoulder and sighed. He'd been doing that alot lately. He just wasn't happy. Well, he was happy with Mikey most of the time, but that wasn't enough. He didn't know what was the matter with him. He glared down at the grass and took a vicious bite out of his sandwich. He may have even growled while he was doing it, he wasn't sure.

"Frank?" He yelped as Mikey's voice suddenly came out of nowhere. "Frank, what's wrong?"

He craned his neck up to look at Mikey. Oh shit, now I've worried Mikey...

"Nothing, I'm fine," he chirped, putting on a fake smile. Mikey smiled back sadly.

"How can I make it better if I don't know what's wrong?" he asked sweetly. Frank shrugged childishly and turned around a little bit so he could properly see Mikey. "Do you miss Bob?"

That stopped Frank's mind. All the gears winding intricately inside his brain fucked up and went away. Of course he missed Bob! He missed every fucking thing about him excluding his temper! He couldn't stop aching over the loss of Bob. Every time he saw him, he felt like screaming and banging his head against the floor until Bob came over to help him. Bob was the only person who knew how to fix him.

But he didn't like Bob right now. He hurt Mikey, and Frank wasn't going to just forget about it. He left bruises on Mikey, and who knows how far he would have gone if Frank hadn't stepped in!

"He apologized today. About the fight, I mean," Mikey said in the same sweet voice. He didn't really want Frank to forgive Bob, he wanted Frank all to himself. He didn't want Frank to sit on the jungle gym at lunch like he used to, he wanted him right here resting in the crook of his arm. He didn't want Frank to pick Bob as his partner in fifth period, leaving Mikey to be paired up with that kid with the afro who always hangs around Bob like a shadow. That's just about what he was, a shadow, disappearing into the scenery behind the walking time bomb known as Bob. Most of all, he didn't want Bob to yell at Frank like he saw him do when they were fighting. But he knew that he needed help keeping Frank happy.

"I don't know if I want to speak with him. You're not the first boy that he's beaten up just for talking to me, I just didn't care so much about the others. He's got to realize he can't do that. And how do I know that he won't try to hurt you again if I hugged you in the hallway? Or if I'd rather hang out with you after school than him?"

Mikey cocked his head to the side. "Would you pick me over him?" Mikey wondered outloud. He meant it more as a rhetorical question than an actual one. He didn't think Frank would pick him over Bob, so he didn't need an answer. But the look of disbelief that crossed over Frank's face made him think he'd said the wrong thing. This is why he avoids speaking, he always fucks his words up and makes a fool of himself. But after a moment, Frank smiled.

"Mikey, I've already picked you. You don't see me talking with Bob, do you?" Frank sighed and rested his head back on Mikey's shoulder. "Why are you always so insecure? So you honestly not see how perfect you are, Mikey?" Frank asked lowly. He didn't dare look up at Mikey's face, at least not yet. You can't just say these things to Mikey, and Frank knew that. He knew Mikey was going to act harshly.

"Frank, don't do that," Mikey growled. Frank had to be joking. He had to be taking the piss out of him, there's no other explanation why anyone would consider Mikey anywhere near perfect. He knew this 'friend' business was a pile of shit, no one wants him. No one can stand him for this long!

"Do what? Call you perfect?" Frank asked, frowning.

"Don't lie to me. Don't try to trick me, I know that I'm a nuisance to you. Right now, I'm frustrating you! And you were a lot happier when you were talking to Bob! How can you think I'm perfect? I've just ruined things for you."

Frank sighed, wondering how he could get the fact through Mikey's stubborn mind that he cares so much it hurts. Mikey was perfect, whether he accepted it or not, no matter what anyone has told him in the past. And Frank had a sneaking suspicion that people in Mikey's life have called him worthless, have beaten him down countless times until he was left like this. Untrusting and full of hate. If Frank ever found out who hurt his Mikey--yes, Mikey fucking belonged to him, he'd like to see someone try to take him away--then he would rip them limb from limb while they were still alive, still conscious to feel all of the vengeful pain.

"Mikey, do you trust me?" Frank asked. He glanced over at Mikey as he spoke. Mikey's sorrowful look told him all he needed to know. No, Mikey did not trust him. He expected Frank to hurt him at some point in his life just like everyone else had. Shit, Frank was almost out of ideas, except to just blurt out to Mikey that he loved him, but that would cause more problems.

"Mikey...you know, you're the only friend I have now. I can't be friends with Bob after he hurt you like that. I just want you to know even if you don't believe me, I will never hurt you. And I'll try my fucking hardest not to let anyone else ever hurt you, but it would be a lot easier if you just trusted me. Have I ever done anything bad to you?"

Mikey felt like he was being spoken to like a child, but he took Frank's words to heart. No, he's never done anything to hurt him,. But that doesn't mean he never will. Just because he says it now, that doesn't mean Frank will always be there, or will never hurt him in the future.

"No, Frank," Mikey breathed, resting his head back against the tree. The bark dug into the back of his head but he wasn't bothered it enough to raise up. Frank's next question was more important than the last one by a long shot. Not only did it imply that they would stay together for a long time--not together as in dating, but as friendship--but it answered the bigger question of whether Mikey was really as cold and distant as Frank feared.

"Do you think I'll ever hurt you on purpose?"

Mikey put an arm over his eyes and sighed. "I...don't know. Frank, I don't wanna talk about this-"

"Mikey please. Just...why don't you trust anyone? Why can't you trust me?"

"Frank-"

"Mikey.," Frank cut him off. He'd never been like this with Mikey. Usually, if he didn't want to talk about something--like the ocean, that was always a touchy subject--then Frank would find something else to talk about. Often times, he just wound up repeating himself, going back over the things he knew Mikey liked to talk about. That's how far Frank went to keep Mikey comfortable, but this was serious. This wasn't some random shit he popped off with just so he could talk with Mikey. This wasn't like the ocean, or manga, or flowers. He glanced up at Mikey's face upturned toward the sky. His eyes were getting watery, and all Frank wanted to do was gather Mikey up in his arms and kiss all the tears away, but he couldn't. So he waited patiently for Mikey's answer.

"Frank, it's so much easier for you to hurt me. Everyone else...they think the nasty glares, the immature names and rude hand gestures hurt me. How dumb is that!" He stopped for a moment to wipe his eyes. He probably just smudged his eyeliner, but oh well. "Not even the beatings hurt anymore, not after I've been through so many. I've built up a wall against all of that shit, so it doesn't bother me. You wouldn't believe how many bones I've broken over the years from fights. But through it all, you've been my only friend. You're the only person who cares. Imagine how it feels to know that people are scowling at you when we walk down the hall together! That hurts, knowing you're getting judged because of me. It sure as hell hurts me more than Bob did. You have the power to hurt me more than anyone else does. How can I trust you? It's a death sentence. It's mental suicide." Mikey finished and left an uncomfortable silence between the two. He'd just bared his soul as much as possible, more than he'd ever done before to Frank, and it rattled him.

This honesty...no one in the world is this honest. He said exactly what was on his mind without pausing to think how it would affect Frank. And Frank was definitely affected. He never imagined he meant so much to Mikey. He loved to hear that, but at the same time it killed him. He wanted to know that Mikey cared, that he was important to him, but h didn't expect it to be to this extent. Plus, hearing that Mikey couldn't trust him for that reason made it bittersweet. It poisoned that little scrap of good news so that Frank didn't know how to feel. Should he be happy that Mikey cares about him, or distraught over the fact that the only person he's ever loved can never trust him? He decided that he could feel both emotions at once, even if it was an overload on his senses, threatening to overflow his mind and send him into fits of erratic behavior.

Frank wrapped his arms around Mikey's shoulders and gave him a hug. At first he was met with a little hesitation, which was often the way Mikey reacted, then usually he would slowly melt and hug Frank back, but this time Mikey remained immobile. It's not that he didn't want to hug Frank, because he loved to feel Frank near him touching him. It was a safe feeling normally. But now he just wondered what the motive behind it was. He wanted to let his suspicions go--he wanted to be a good friend for Frank, not the fuck up that he really was--but he was afraid.

That's all.

He let his fear get the better of him, and it made his friend suffer. I just made him hate himself more. It wasn't a good feeling.

"I'm sorry, Frank..." He felt like he had to say something to make it better. Finally, he made himself hug Frank back tightly and repeat that he was sorry. He leaned down and rested his forehead on Frank's shoulder hesitantly. He waited until Frank responded to get more comfortable.

Frank scooted until his back was against the tree and sat straight so Mikey would fit in his arms better. It was a bit of an awkward embrace at first until Mikey decided to put his arms around Frank's waist and snuggle into his chest. Frank rested his chin on top of Mikey's head and ran both of his hands through his black hair. He noticed with a little smirk that Mikey's light brown roots were coming in. He wondered what Mikey looked like before he became goth. Of course he was beautiful, that much Frank was sure of. It was impossible for Mikey to be anything other than that.

The two didn't know it--of course they didn't, how could they?-- but their thoughts ran similar courses as they cuddled up with each other. While Frank was thinking about Mikey, Mikey was replaying in his head the afternoon when Frank bent over to get some water and his shirt rose up. He knew, he's seen Frank without a shirt before, but at the water fountain he was getting a glimpse of something he necessarily wasn't supposed to see. It was better accidental, he supposed.

...sometimes, he dreamed about Frank. That sounds very stalker-ish, like maybe Mikey was obsessed with Frank. Hell, maybe he is obsessed with him. All he wants anymore is to be near Frank, no matter what time it is or where he was at the moment. He could be wanking off at 4 am--not that he actually DID that--and be thinking about Frank. Sick, isn't it? And even worse is how he was thinking about Frank. He would wonder how Frank's hips would feel under his fingertips, how his mouth tastes--Mikey was guessing ice cream, what with the way he was always eating it--and be disgusted with himself afterwards. He wanted to talk to someone about it, but he was afraid of being called a sick little queer. Because that's just not what he was. He just liked Frank so much, and only Frank. He didn't fancy boys over girls or vice-versa. There was only Frank that he wanted in his life.

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Bob watched Frank and Mikey across the road from his spot on the jungle gym that was tainted with memories. Whatever Mikey had just said made Frank feel the need to cuddle him. Not that Mikey would have to say much for that to happen, since Frank likes him so fucking much. Bob clutched the bars of the monkey bars until his knuckles turned pure white with the force he was exerting on the unfortunate metal poles. He felt that need again--the need to make Mikey gone. To make him bleed all over the grass he was cuddling with Frank on. Surely that would make the ache in his heart go away?

Ray...basically knew how everyone felt now. Bob hates Mikey, Frank loves Mikey, Mikey was indifferent to Bob, and he was fond of Frank. How did he know this? Because he wasn't a fucktard! He remained the only one in the square of...friends that were smart enough to piece everything together. Gah, it was frustrating. He just wanted to go around and state the obvious. He wanted to grab Bob and scream at him that Frank hates him, then he wanted to play matchmaker with the other two, just to get this shit to stop! But he won't. Just for the sake of seeing how this plays out. Besides, it's too early in the story, right? No, he was resigning to sit back and watch as simply a spectator.

"Ray, I want to kill him," Bob stated, hoping Ray would be the nice guy that he always is and talk him down. Again. But after five years of Ray following Bob around like his mother, calming him down and keeping him out of fights, he was tired.

"Do it."