Every so Often

Sometimes, I don't believe in God.

Sometimes, when life is trying to crush me, drag the breath from my lungs and refuse me any more oxygen, it's easy to ignore his existence. Sometimes, when the universe seems set on ignoring you, and nothing is willing to go right, not even the smallest circumstance that could put a temporary smile on my face, it's easy.

Sometimes, I don't believe in the good of people.

Sometimes, when virulent words that aren't intended to carry such sharp poison reach my ears and I wish they physically existed, floating towards my ears, so I could bat them away: that's when I don't see it. Sometimes, when people ignore me, disregard me so blatantly yet unintentionally, it's hard to see that they have any kind of redeeming quality.

Sometimes, I don't believe in love.

Sometimes, when I see the couples I know, how sad I am for them, no matter how happy they seem, reminds me that it could be just an idealized version of lust. Sometimes, when I see the girl who sleeps with her boyfriend at fifteen and believes they'll get married someday, to this superdouche that has no respect for her, it seems impossible for the real thing to exist. Sometimes, when I see how unhealthy two of my best friends are together, in a relationship that's ruining them both for everyone else they meet, because the only reason they stay together is because of the sex, that's when I start to doubt.

Sometimes, I don't believe in myself.

Sometimes, when I know I can do better, when I know that I'm not trying as hard as I should be, and I know the possible repercussions of that, I forget all the sweet words I've heard directed towards me. Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, studying the square jaw, so awkward on a girl that my friend told me outright that she couldn't draw me without it looking awkward, I don't believe in any kind of future for myself. Sometimes, when I'm with my cats and comics on a Friday, Saturday, any-day night, and I think to myself just how pathetic I am for not even trying to get some semblance of a life, I don't believe that I can.

But then, there's always something else out there.

There's always a friend.

Always a friend, one that's hell bent on trying to get me to understand the way she sees me, and to get me to see myself in such a way. Always a friend, one who's willing to provide some cheesy joke that shouldn't be funny, but because it shouldn't be, it is.

There's always a comforting word.

Always that word, that one thing someone can say to me to put me right at ease, something so familiar and dear to me for almost no reason at all that it brings tears to my eyes, but whether they come out of happiness or sadness I have no clue.

There's always the days when things go right.

Always the days that I hang on to, the ones that stay in my memory for years, the ones I remember with my friends, and we laugh because it's something we share, that memory. Always the days that bring a straighter, surer posture, a slight energy to the way I walk, almost a bounce, and a sense of warmth inside me, one that no amount of cold can diminish.

And every so often, there are those times when I look at all the things I have rather than what I don't, and I smile to myself, and I look to the sky. Thanks, I silently tell whoever's up there, whether it's my faith's version of God or someone else's.

Because no matter who it is, they're sure doing something right.