Blank Canvas

Every year, for as long as I could remember, my brother, Ed, and I had a tradition of going up to our holiday cabin in the hills for a week or so during the Christmas holidays. We usually stayed there for a couple days, just playing video games, watching films and just, well, bonding I guess. During the school year, we didn’t really see each other all that much. We went to different schools and so had different friendship circles. Ed was really into sports and so my parents sent him to Leavesdowne School for the athletically gifted, while I attend Sears Academy for the intellectually gifted. My brother and I were polar opposites, really, but those few days we spent catching up at the cabin meant a lot to me.

And that’s why I wasn’t thrilled when Ed suggested we make it a group thing this year. He’d been dating a girl called Annabelle since March time and apparently couldn’t handle the 3 or 4 days away from her, so he’d suggested bringing several friends. Unfortunately, my best friend – Kathy – was going away with her family for Christmas, and I didn’t really have anyone else that I was close enough to that I wanted to spend time with in an enclosed space. So it was just me, Ed, Annabelle, and Ed’s best friend Cameron.

In all honesty, I would have preferred it just to be the 3 of us, even if that meant me feeling like the third wheel. I’d never liked Cameron, he’d always been cocky and arrogant. I suppose he was the typical jock boy. He was tall and broad, his arms and chest solid muscle, his dark brown hair was slightly wavy but he kept it cut fairly short, his bright blue eyes always seemed like they were laughing at me. He just set me on edge in general. Kathy said it was because I liked him, but I just laughed whenever she said that. I wouldn’t be caught dead with a jock…no, my idea guy was someone a bit more…educated. Physically, yeah, I guess Cameron was pretty…perfect, but I wanted some substance as well.

-X-

Cameron was making his own way to the cabin, taking his truck, while Ed, Annabelle and I were all going together. I was all packed and ready to go at 8.30 on Saturday morning, but I was just waiting on Ed. He’d spent the night at Annabelle’s and was supposed to be picking me up at 8 so we could get going. It took about 3 hours to get there, and I wanted to just get there as soon as possible. I wanted to beat Cameron there so I could pick the best bedroom.

My phone rang after another 10 minutes and I quickly answered it. “Where are you?” I asked immediately.
“Dan, we’re gonna be going up later,” he said and I sighed and rolled my eyes. I should have known this would happen. “Why don’t you just take your car and we’ll meet you up there?”
“Fine,” I said angrily and hung up. So much for our brother bonding time… He’d much rather just spend all his time with his girlfriend. And it’s not like they never see each other either – they even go to the same school. Annabelle sees my brother much more often than I do. But whatever. I grabbed my car keys and headed outside. There was a chill in the air and the sky looked heavily overcast, but it was fine. Probably just needed to rain or something. I chucked my bags in the back seat and jumped in behind the wheel of my little Clio. I turned my CD player on loud and pulled out of my drive and headed towards the cabin. My parents had bought it when we were younger, and we’d made the journey so many times over the years that I could probably do it in my sleep.

-X-

So, me guessing that it was rain was a bit of an understatement. About 2 and a half hours into my journey, it seemed like I just drove straight into a cloud of snow. It was swirling around my car in gusts and I was gripping the steer wheel tighter than ever, scared that my little car would get blown off the road. Despite the solid trees on either side of the road, the snow was heavy and the wind was very strong. But I pushed onwards. I was closer to the cabin anyway, and there was no point turning back. I’d been driving along the road the cabin is on for the last few minutes, and I knew it was only about a 10 minute drive max. “Come on,” I whispered to my car. My heart was racing, sensing the very real possibility that my car could give up at any moment.

And then, as though sensing my thoughts, the wheels started spinning. “No, no, no,” I whispered, pushing my foot harder onto the accelerator. “Please.” And then the engine just gave up. I removed my foot from the accelerator and put the hand break on, not wanting the car to start sliding. I sat silent for a moment, hearing the snow swooshing around the car outside. The car occasionally shook with the gusts of wind, and nerves suddenly sprang to life inside me. What should I do? Do I just stay here or should I try to get to the cabin? I was on a hill and I wasn’t all that confident that the hand break would hold it if the snow turned into ice overnight.

I bit my lip and pulled my phone out of my pocket. No signal. Typical. It would only take about an hour to walk up to the cabin – that wasn’t too bad. I sighed and reached to the backseat and pulled my back onto my lap. The snow was only going to get worse the longer I waited, so I might as well go now before I get stranded.

After fighting against the wind to get my door open, I climbed out of my car, bringing my keys and bag with me, and the door slammed itself shut behind me. I looked at my car for a moment longer before I turned away and started along the road that was already several inches under snow. I knew that I needed to move quickly, otherwise I would get stuck and freeze to death, so I pushed myself to move as fast as I was able to in the snow with my bag.

After only about 10 minutes, I was starting to regret my decision to leave the car. I was shivering, my teeth were chattering, my fingers and toes were numb. I was covered in snow and was soaking wet. After 20 minutes, I considered just turning back and going to the car, but I was almost half way, so I figured I might as well continue on. I could barely see a foot in front of me as I walked and was very aware that at any moment I could step on a patch of ice, slip and possibly knock myself out. I was terrified.

What felt like an eternity later, I reached the post box to the cabin. Although I couldn’t even make out the cabin, I knew I was only moments away from it. I pulled my bag up onto my shoulder again and staggered forward. I could see lights through the snow coming out of the windows of the cabin and I would have smiled if I’d had any feeling left in my cheeks and lips. I found the steps to the porch – usually there was 5, but there was only 3 now due to the depth of snow – and quickly climbed them, found the front door and let myself in. I slammed the door behind me, but then just stood frozen inside the cabin.

A second later, someone came running into the hallway, but stopped when they saw me. “Shit, what the hell were you doing out in that?” Cameron asked and I glared at him but couldn’t move my mouth to speak. He came over to me and took my bag off my shoulder and dropped it onto the floor. He reached for my hands and took them in his, attempting to warm me up. “Fuck, you’re freezing…”
“N-N-No sh-sh-sh-shit,” I stammered, unable to stop my chattering teeth once I’d opened my mouth.
“Come on,” Cameron said, turning towards the stairs. “You need to warm up, have a shower or something. I’ve got dry clothes you can wear.” I found that I couldn’t move, my body seemed to have gone into shock and was so desperately trying to conserve heat that it wouldn’t let me move. Cameron turned and frowned at me impatiently. “What are you waiting for? You’ll get hypothermia if you don’t warm up.” I blinked and swallowed and then forced my body to respond to my commands. I slowly and stiffly followed him up the stairs and into the bathroom, where Cameron had already turned on the shower and was warming it up. I’d gone still again, just shivering and wrapping my arms around myself, unable to do much else. I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep. “Dan,” Cameron snapped, making me jump. I’d practically been falling asleep standing up. “Wake up. Get in the shower.” I stared at him for a moment and then realised that I had to do what he’d said. I slowly pulled off my coat, a shower of snow falling off with it, and then my hoodie. I was about to pull off my shirt when I realised what I was actually doing – I was stripping in front of Cameron. If I’d had enough blood near the surface of my skin, I would have blushed.
“I-I-I’m o-o-ok-kay,” I stammered through my chattering teeth. Cameron looked at me dubiously but then nodded and left the room.
“I’ll make some soup, okay?” he asked and I smiled and nodded. He closed the door and a shiver wracked my body again. I quickly pulled off my cold wet clothes and jumped under the water. The heat of the water surprised me, but I’m sure it wasn’t all that hot – just in comparison to my skin it was scalding. Even after being under the warm water for 20 minutes or so, I still felt cold. Maybe not outside, but inside… I got out of the shower, my muscles feeling much less stiff, wrapped a towel around my waist and opened the bathroom door. On the floor just outside was a small pile of clothes – a pair of boxers, a pair of warm sweat pants, a long-sleeved top and a massive hoodie that had Cameron’s school logo on the front and his name and number on the back. I went through to a bedroom and quickly pulled all the clothes on. They were all far too big for me, but they were warm and cosy. I pulled the hood over my head and smiled weakly as I headed downstairs.

I went into the living room and Cameron was in there sitting at one end of the sofa watching television. The fire was lit and I could feel the warmth radiating from it. I sat down on the sofa at the opposite end and curled into a ball, bringing my knees up under Cameron’s hoodie. If it wasn’t so big, I would have stretched it, but it was large enough to use as a blanket. I glanced over at Cameron, who was watching the television, and really let myself look at him. He was much bigger than me – he had loads of muscles due to the sports he played – but there was also a softness to him, something in his face that was just…tender. I shivered slightly, still feeling the cold about me, and huddled into myself tighter. “You still cold?” Cameron asked, turning towards me and I shrugged.
“A little,” I whispered. I hadn’t meant to whisper, but my voice just seemed to fail me.
“Come here,” he said, motioning with his hand for me to scoot closer to him. I shook my head.
“No, I’m okay,” I said, pressing against the arm of the sofa.
“Come on, Dan, I thought you were meant to be clever?” he said with a smirk. “Body heat and all that?” I sighed and nodded before scooting down the sofa towards his side. Once I was close enough, Cameron wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me against him closely. I could immediately feel his heat and I sighed in content, closing my eyes. My head fell onto his shoulder and I pressed myself closer to him, desperate for his warmth to seep into my body. I shivered for a few moments more and then I realised that I’d stopped. I smiled slightly but didn’t pull away. I didn’t want to. “Maybe I should make you some soup now?” Cameron said, clearing his throat uncomfortably.
“No,” I quickly said, gripping his clothing to stop him moving. “No, don’t move.” Cameron didn’t say anything, just sat back on the sofa and hugged me. I could still hear the television in the background and the fire crackling occasionally, but it was as though I was in my own little bubble with Cameron. “You’re so warm…” I whispered, moving my hand across his strong chest to wrap around his waist, but he quickly stood up, pulling away from me. I immediately frowned at the loss, though I couldn’t decide whether it was the warmth I missed or something else entirely.
“I’ll, um, make you something to eat,” he said, running a hand through his hair before quickly leaving the room.

I could feel myself blushing this time. I realised what I’d done, what had made him so uncomfortable, and quickly retreated to my end of the sofa. I hadn’t really wanted to cuddle with Cameron, did I? I just wanted the warmth, surely? I shook my head to dismiss my thoughts and turned my attention to the television. I did feel warmer now and I smiled gently to myself when I relived the last few minutes. Not only had I been cuddling with Cameron, he’d been cuddling with me. Not that I cared…

Cameron and I kept an unspoken distance from one another the rest of that evening. I think we were both kind of freaked out about what had happened earlier. And I’d imagine he was even more so than me, because as far as I knew, Cameron wasn’t even gay. So to him, cuddling with a guy was just…not done.

However, that didn’t stop me from having a dream later that night about cuddling once again with Cameron.

-X-

When I woke the following morning, I had every intention of going to get my car. But when I pulled my curtains open, my face fell. If anything, the snow had got worse – it was deeper than a foot and the wind was so strong I knew it would be stupid and dangerous to go outside. I sighed and wrapped my blankets around me as I headed downstairs. I made myself a cup of hot chocolate and went into the living room. I froze on the spot when I saw Cameron lying sprawled on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket. I smiled slightly at how cute he was, despite how huge and manly he was, and crossed the room and set my mug down on the coffee table. I then stood next to the sofa and poked Cameron in the ribs. He grunted but otherwise didn’t react. I grinned and continued to poke him awake. “Danny…” he moaned, his voice low and raspy. My stomach immediately tensed at his tone of voice and the fact that he called me Danny. No one ever called me Danny. Cameron batted my hand away but I hardly even noticed. My thoughts were rushing a mile a minute and my eyes were drawn to Cameron’s parted lips that seemed so full and kissable. I glanced up at Cameron’s eyes, which were still closed as he slept, and I bit my lip as I slowly sank to my knees and leaned over him. I licked my lips and, before I could stop myself, I lowered my lips to Cameron’s and caught his lower lip between mine. My eyes slid closed as I kept my lips pressed against his, and then my heart skipped a beat as I felt him start to kiss me back. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I felt Cameron’s hand move to cup the back of my neck and I couldn’t help but smile into the kiss. But then, both of Cameron’s hands were suddenly on my shoulders and he shoved me backwards. I fell onto the floor next to the sofa, staring at him wide eyed.
“I-“ I stammered. I bit my lip hard and shook my head before standing and running out of the room. I sprinted up the stairs to my bedroom and slammed the door closed behind me.

I couldn’t believe I’d just done that...what the hell was I thinking? Obviously Cameron would freak out. I leaned against my closed door and took several long deep breaths, trying to calm down. All I wanted now was to just leave and never have to face Cameron. But I couldn’t do that; we were both stuck in the cabin. I didn’t realise that I was shivering or that there were tears running down my cheeks until I sat down on my bed a few minutes later.

Just that brief kiss had forced me to rethink everything. I’d never felt anything like that and Cameron hadn’t even been awake for half of it. Sure, I hadn’t exactly kissed many guys – only 2 – but there hadn’t been anything like what I’d experienced with Cameron, no electricity, no fireworks. But with him, it had just been…amazing. And yet yesterday, even earlier this morning, I had hated the guy. I could no longer remember the reason…it wasn’t like he was rude or unkind or anything like that. He was a genuinely nice person and if anything, I’d been wrong by dismissing him so soon due to the fact that he valued sports over an education. In fact, it was incredibly snobby of me. I thought of Kathy and all the times that she’d told me that my dislike of Cameron was just hiding the fact that I liked him. I hated that she was right.

I stayed up in my room all day, not daring to leave it in case I ran into Cameron. I couldn’t handle that. But, in the end, I didn’t need to worry about it, because at 5 o’clock, there was a knock on my door. I sat up straight, terrified about what might happen now. After taking a deep breath and preparing for Cameron to shout at me, I crossed my room and opened my door. Cameron was standing there looking kind of sheepish and I found it very endearing but I didn’t let my expression betray my feelings. “Um,” Cameron said and then cleared his throat. “I was gonna make some pasta…you want some?” I stared at him for a moment and then realised that he was going to go on as though our kiss never happened, as though he hadn’t kissed me back… I felt my face fall, but tried to hide it as well as I could by smiling weakly.
“Yes, please,” I said softly. Cameron just nodded, looking down at his shoes before turning away and heading back towards the stairs. I blinked and sighed as I closed my door quietly before looking down at the ground. I didn’t want to just forget about our kiss, if anything, I wanted it to happen again…

Then, there was another knock on my door and my head jerked up. I pulled the door open to reveal Cameron biting his lip, looking even more adorable than he had the moment before. “Um…” he said, but then stopped. The silence extended and I didn’t know what to say that he wanted to hear.
“I’m sorry about earlier,” I whispered and he looked up into my eyes. “I, um…I know you’re straight and everything and I just…I’m sorry if it…freaked you out or anything.”
“It didn’t freak me out,” Cameron said and I blinked in surprise.
“It didn’t?” I asked in a whisper.
“Well, I mean, it did…but not in the way you’re thinking,” he said and I frowned, waiting for him to explain. “It didn’t freak me out because you’re a guy and I’m a guy and that… It freaked me out because, well, I liked it and…I liked kissing you more than any other girl I’ve kissed in the past.” I blinked but wouldn’t let myself get my hopes up. “And…if you’d let me…I’d really like to kiss you again.” I smiled at how shy and nervous he was and then I stepped towards him and kissed him lightly. I both heard and felt Cameron gasp against my lips and his hands came to rest on my hips gently. “Danny,” Cameron whispered and I melted just a little as the nickname rolled easily from his tongue.
“Yeah,” I whispered, my eyes still closed, just content to bask in the glow of being in Cameron’s embrace.
“Does this feel as right to you as it does for me?” he asked and my lips curved into a smile.
“Yes,” I whispered, moving closer to him and winding my arms around his waist and resting my head on his chest.
“I’m sorry I pushed you earlier,” he whispered as he ran his fingers through my hair. I smiled and shook my head.
“It’s okay,” I whispered. Cameron laid his head on top of mine and tightened his arms around me properly.

We stood like that for what felt like forever but still wasn’t long enough. “How about I make that pasta now?” Cameron said, pulling away slightly but still keeping his arms around me. I smiled and nodded, going onto my tip-toes to kiss his lips lightly. I was only just realising how much I’d been attracted to him all these years; he was so tall, so strong, so muscular. He was the exact opposite of the stereotypical gay man, but I loved everything about him.
“I’ll help,” I smiled, placing my hand in his and giving his fingers a squeeze.
“You don’t think I can manage to make pasta?” Cameron asked with a smirk and I grinned but didn’t reply, just moved slightly closer to his side.

The rest of the evening was spent in that way – we stayed as close to one another as possible. We cuddled up on the sofa watching television and although we were in pretty much the same positions as the night before, this felt so much different. “Have you always, um…” Cameron whispered as we watched a random Christmas movie. “When did you start feeling…this way?” I looked at him and bit my lip, considering my answer.
“I don’t know…” I said honestly. “I guess…I always have, I’ve just never really…admitted it. My friend Kathy knew, though.”
“You didn’t want to admit you liked me? Why not?” he asked with a gentle frown and I smiled softly and ran my finger along his jaw.
“You were straight, Cam,” I whispered. I’d already adopted the nickname and he told me that only his mum was allowed to call him that. And now I was, too. “What good was it pining away for someone I couldn’t have? So I just…flipped my feelings.”
“Yeah, I had noticed,” he smiled, leaning his forehead to mine for a moment. I smiled and shrugged.
“It was easier than accepting I liked you and the fact that I couldn’t have you,” I told him and he smiled and nodded.
“Well, you have me now,” he smiled, pressing a quick kiss to my cheek. “I’m all yours.” I grinned and leant forward to kiss his lips tenderly.
“And I’m yours,” I told him, earning a brilliant grin from him.
“So, what changed?” he asked. “Why did you kiss me?” I looked up into his eyes and smiled weakly as I shrugged.
“I guess…the way you looked after me yesterday,” I said softly with a gentle smile. “And being so close to you all evening. And then I saw you asleep on the sofa and you just look so adorable… I mean, yeah, everyone probably sees you as some big, aggressive guy but at that moment, you just looked so cute that I just…melted and I couldn’t help myself.” Cameron grinned at me as he gazed into my eyes.
“You think I’m cute?” he whispered, his lips transforming into a smirk.
“This morning you were,” I corrected him with a smirk to rival his. “Now…not so much.” Cameron pouted and I giggled softly, which just made Cameron chuckle.
“Well, I think you’re cute all the time,” he smiled, pulling me into his lap. “You’re so tiny, I feel like I could break you if I hugged you too hard.” I smiled and rested my head on his chest.
“I promise you won't,” I whispered, grinning as I felt his arms tighten that little bit more.

“So what about you?” I asked after a minute. I’d been wanting to ask ever since he’d come to my door the second time, but hadn’t dared.
“What about me?” he asked, stroking his fingers through my hair once again. I’d discovered that it was something he liked to do and which I found amazingly relaxing.
“You’re, um…are you gay?” I asked cautiously and Cameron smiled softly, his fingers still working against my scalp.
“I don’t know…” he said honestly. “I’ve never really looked at any other guy but you…”
“And…you still like girls?” I asked, fighting the blush that was colouring my cheeks due to his comment. Cameron was silent for a moment and I raised my head from his chest to look into his face.
“I don’t think so…” he said. “Maybe I just haven’t seen any other guys that I’m attracted to. I mean, at school most of the guys are big like me…maybe I’m just attracted to the little guys like you.” I smiled and nodded, resting my head back on his chest.
“So…how long have you, um, known?” I asked, stroking my fingers over chest through his shirt.
“That I was gay? About 30 seconds…” he said and I pulled back in shock. “I’ve never really overanalysed it before.” He smiled up at me and I gazed into his eyes as I tried to figure him out.
“Well…how long have you…liked me?” I asked, my voice dropping to a whisper at the end.
“Do you remember when your family and Annabelle came to that football match last year?” he asked and I frowned. We’d gone to quite a few last year. “And after the match you walked into me?” I blushed as I remembered and ducked my head. It had been so embarrassing. After watching Ed’s football match – which Cameron had also been playing in – I was wondering around the school, just having a nose about, and Cameron had come barrelling around a corner and I walked straight into him. But as he is built like a brick wall, I bounced right off him and landed on my butt in a daze.
“Then?” I asked quietly.
“Yeah…it just suddenly…slammed into me,” he said with a gentle smile, clearly lost in the memory. I smiled and stroked his cheek softly. “And I just realised that…you were just…perfect.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled, fighting my blush. Cameron just laughed. “So…why didn’t you say anything? You knew I was gay.”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “And I wanted to. But I just…I was struggling with the idea of liking a guy and it kind of freaked me out. And…” He paused and looked up into my eyes, a level of guilt in his gaze. “I haven’t come out yet. No one knows.” The ‘yet’ in that sentence gave me hope, so I smiled and nodded.
“I know,” I whispered. “That’s okay.”
“I’m going to come out, I promise,” he said. “It’s just…finding the right time. My dad probably won't be all that supportive…”
“It’s okay, Cam,” I whispered. “You don’t have to do anything for me that you’re not comfortable doing.”
“Yes I do,” he nodded. “I’m not going to force you back into the closet just because I’m too scared to come out. I don’t want you resenting me.”
“I could never,” I whispered, shaking my head. “And I understand why you don’t want to come out. It must be hard being gay and an athlete…I’d imagine people would take the piss out of you…”
“It might be worth it,” Cameron said softly, taking my hand and bringing it to his lips to kiss my fingers. “It depends on who’s waiting for me.” I smiled and pecked his lips.
“I’ll wait forever for you,” I whispered. I’d obviously been waiting for the last several years, even though I hadn’t properly admitted it, so I could wait however long he needed.
“I won't make you,” he smiled and I smiled back. “I wonder what your brother will say…” I sat for a moment, thinking about that.
“He’ll probably…well, make some comment but then go back to Annabelle, I’d imagine,” I said and Cameron nodded.
“They are pretty inseparable…” he commented and I smiled and nodded, wondering if we were going to be like that. I had a feeling that we would be. “He might get angry at me…”
“Why?” I asked curiously. Cameron just shrugged.
“I don’t know…the whole, you can’t date your best mate’s…siblings,” he said, frowning gently.
“I thought that was just sisters?” I asked with a chuckle and Cameron smiled softly.
“I don’t know…maybe it applies in this situation, too?” he said and I laughed and shrugged.
“Who knows,” I smiled. “But I’m a big boy, I can look after myself. I don’t need Ed looking after me.”
“Mmm,” Cameron agreed. “That’s my job now.”
“You’re really going to make me feel like the girl in this relationship aren’t you?” I asked. Cameron just smirked but didn’t say anything. But he didn’t have to; I already knew it was true. But it was okay – I don’t think it would work with him being the ‘girl’ anyway.

Later that evening, we went up to my bedroom. I could feel myself turning red as I got ready for bed, pulling a pair of pyjama pants and a plain white t-shirt on, and then I turned to Cameron to see that he was only wearing a pair of black boxer-briefs and I caught my breath. God he was just so gorgeous. “Won’t you be cold?” I asked him and he shrugged.
“I usually sleep in less,” he said and my cheeks turned bright red at the thought. He chuckled at my reaction. “Plus, having you beside me will surely keep me warm.” I smiled and nodded. I pulled the sheets down and we crawled into bed. Cameron pulled me firmly against him, curling his body around mine protectively, possessively, and I loved the feeling. I’d never been wanted in such an obvious way before and I loved that Cameron was able to show it so freely.

We lay in bed together for almost an hour, whispering to one another, kissing and cuddling. In the silent moments, we could hear the wind howling outside and the soft noises of the snow hitting the window. “You know, even though it nearly froze me, I think snow is my new favourite weather,” I whispered, stroking his bare chest in small circles.
“Hmm,” Cameron mumbled.
“If it wasn’t snowing so heavily, we wouldn’t be stuck in this cabin together,” I told him with a gentle smile. “And Ed and Annabelle would have been here and this…might not have happened.”
“I would have made it happen,” Cameron said so certainly that I knew he was telling the truth. “And even if it wasn’t snowing outside, I would stay in this cabin for a million years if I could be here with you.” I smiled and raised my head from his chest to look down into his eyes. Cameron’s blue eyes were twinkling as I’m sure mine were, too, and I’d never seen something so beautiful as Cameron lying in bed, his dark hair tousled, gazing at me with nothing but genuine love and affection in his eyes. I leant down to kiss him tenderly and I knew that this was the start of something pretty amazing.