Illusions

Loren replayed the message over and over in her mind, unable to believe what she’d heard. It was going on day three of her unemployment — the third day of wallowing in self-pity and barely getting out of bed — and she’d missed the one call offering her a job. The name on the other end of the line didn’t ring a bell but all it took was a simple Google search to tell her the name of her prospective new employer. Frankly, the idea of starting over scared her to death. She’d have to move to a new city and start from ground zero with a new client. Making the decision to work for the Penguins (and Sidney) was easy: she was fresh out of college and Mario and Ray had presented her with an offer she couldn’t refuse. Now she was in a position to say no.

However, she knew she couldn’t wait around for something better to come along in case it never did. Three days had gone by and Mario never called to apologize or offer to reemploy her. Sidney called but she couldn’t bring herself to answer. Bills were due in just two weeks’ time and, for the first time in her life, she knew how it felt to stress over money. Until now, she’d lived comfortably. She wasn’t wealthy and she couldn’t identify with the 1%, but she maintained an impressive credit score and her bills were always paid a week before they were due.

Downsizing was certainly an option. She could move into a smaller apartment or put an ad in the paper for a new roommate. She could look for a better deal for her cable and Internet. She could trade in her cell phone for a less techno-savvy model and cut her bill in half. There were always options. But the most obvious was to stop beating around the bush and accept the job offer she’d been given. The starting pay was equal to what she was making with the Penguins and there was room for promotion so long as her work was up to par. For anyone else, it was the perfect job. For Loren, it was merely a headache—something else to stress over.

More than anything, she wanted to go home. Erie felt worlds away from Pittsburgh and that’s exactly what she needed. No one would recognize her; those who did wouldn’t ask questions. Life was good before she moved to the Steel City and she knew it’d pick up where she left off if she were to go back. Besides, it’d been months since she had enough time to visit her family. They’d been limited to once-in-a-while phone calls and the occasional e-mail that never exceeded 500 words. Her father and aunt were the only ones who answered — everyone else was in the ‘read-but-didn’t-bother-to-reply’ folder.

The phone rang twice before Loren’s father answered. His voice was as recognizable as always: smoky, deep, and infinitely comforting.

“I was wonderin’ when you’d come callin’.”

Loren smiled. “Hi, Dad.”

“Gettin’ tired of the city, I hope?”

“More like the city’s gotten tired of me,” she sighed.

“Ut-oh. Trouble in paradise?”

“I got fired.”

Loren could almost hear her father shrug. He’d been employed at the same construction company since he graduated high school so it baffled Loren that he placed such little emphasis on her keeping her job.

“Another job will always come along, babydoll.”

“I know,” she agreed, “but I feel…empty.”

“Ain’t the first rule of your kind of work to not get attached?” Loren mumbled a reply. “They fire ya for not followin’ the rules?”

“No,” she laughed despite herself. “Some gossip blog accused me of dating Crosby and sleeping around with Letang.”

“Ah,” her father chimed. “Shoulda known better than to trust them damn French-Canadians. They’ll only get ya in trouble.”

“Dad,” she groaned. “It’s not funny. I got fired.”

“And offered another job.”

“How did you know about that?”

“You wouldn’t have laughed at my joke if you hadn’t. You wouldn’t have called, actually.”

“I’m sorry for not keeping in touch, I just—”

“Don’t apologize to me, girl,” her father ordered. “You did good for yourself. Don’t apologize for that. To anyone.”

Loren nodded, temporarily forgetting that he couldn’t see her through the phone. “How is everyone?”

“All right,” he shrugged. “Same as always. Nothin’ ever changes in this damn place.” He coughed as a distraction, hoping to change the subject. “What about you? How you holdin’ up?”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to leave but what can I do? I can’t stay here and hope another job is going to fall into my lap, or that Mario will relent and give me mine back. He made it quite clear that wasn’t going to happen.”

“Do you only want to stay because of the job, Lo?”

“What?”

Her father laughed huskily. “Sounds like you’re pretty torn up but you never been one to stay where you ain’t wanted.”

“Well, there are certainly things I don’t want to leave—”

“Like that boy?”

“What boy?”

“The one you been workin’ for, goof. You lose your job and your brain cells along with it?”

“Funny,” Loren snorted. “Even if I did have those kinds of feelings for him, it’d never work.”

Her father laughed again, lighter this time, before sighing into the phone. “You got yourself in a real mess, huh, kid?”

“You have no idea.”

“Well,” he began, “why don’t you come home for a few days to clear your head? You ain’t gotta take the job right away, do you?”

“No.”

“Okay. I don’t wanna push you into doin’ anything you don’t want to, but you know the door’s always open.”

“I know,” Loren replied. She was trying desperately to keep the guilt out of her voice. “I’ll let you know what I’m doing once I figure it out.”

The only problem with that, Loren figured, was that figuring it out wasn’t going to happen as soon as she hung up the phone. It probably wouldn’t happen for days, maybe even weeks, and she felt suffocated. In actuality she had the time to waste — she had enough money in her bank account to push off making a decision for a few months — but no respectable potential employer was going to wait around for her to make up her mind. They’d move on to the next best thing.

Right now, Loren wasn’t so sure that was her.

&&

All Sidney had to do was make one phone call to find out Loren’s address. The woman who answered the phone was undoubtedly aged and exhausted of her minimum-wage desk job. But her voice rose three octaves, her ego inflated, and the first three buttons of her top audibly came undone as soon as he recited his name and the favor he needed.

Oh, the perks of being Sidney Crosby.

If Mario — and even his teammates — knew what he was doing they’d probably try to talk him out of it. They’d tell him he was overreacting and should just cut his losses, that he was beating a dead horse. Maybe he was. Maybe showing up at Loren’s place, completely unannounced, would push her away for good. There was still hope: she hadn’t changed her number and, as far as he knew, was still in the city. All he knew was that it was a risk he had to take. He couldn’t just let her walk away and he had no intention of doing so.

Her neighborhood surprised him. He didn’t know exactly how much Mario had been paying her but he figured it was a substantial amount. Yet the apartment complex listed on her employee information sheet wasn’t flashy in the least. At best it was mediocre, a place where the rookies would live until they signed a real contract or someone else on the team would take pity upon them and offer up their spare room. At first he had trouble imagining her — flashy Loren who hadn’t a care in the world when it came to money — living there, but he spotted her car (her real one, the one she owned before she was given an SUV more suitable for toting around hockey players) almost instantly. It stuck out like a sore thumb with its cherry red paint and chrome accents.

All he could do now was take the elevator to her floor and hope for the best.

&&

The elevator’s bell was broken, so every time it stopped on her floor a shrieking ding! could be heard for miles. It was especially awful at the wee hours of the morning when all the drunk twenty-somethings were finally rolling in. Over time Loren had grown used to it, as it usually signaled when her ex-roommate was finally back from her nightly conquests and usually not alone. Now it was just another annoyance.

Two knocks sounded on her door and she nearly jumped out of her skin. She hadn’t left her apartment in four days. After being in a career that had her constantly socializing and amongst the masses, she felt more antisocial than ever before. The conversation with her father had calmed her somewhat but there was only so much it could’ve done. It was one thing to speak to someone over the phone; when they showed up at her doorstep she had so much more to worry about. Hosting guests wasn’t high on her wish list.

Regardless, she swallowed any remaining nerves and opened the door. “Sidney?”

“I’m sure it’s probably a bad time, but—”

“No, no,” Loren interjected, finally recovering from the shock of seeing him, of all people, on the other side of her door. “Come in.”

Sidney followed her inside and closed the door gently behind him. Whatever presumptions he had standing outside the building were instantly erased. The building was a diamond in the rough and the cost of her rent probably reflected that. However, the inside was anything but. It wasn’t huge — her entire apartment would probably fit in three or four of the rooms at his house — but it was upscale and modern.

“Nice place.”

“Huh? Oh, thank you.” Loren was buzzing around the place, picking up scattered objects and stowing them away. It was obvious she was nervous. It was even more obvious she hadn’t left the place in days. “Can I get you anything? A beer, some water—”

“Water would be great.”

Loren nodded and disappeared. Sidney took a seat on the couch and waited for her return, already regretting his decision to come. She was a mess; he’d never seen her so distraught and he had no idea how to handle her. He realized the irony then: she’d seen him at his worst, at his breaking point, and he’d never seen her anything short of her best. Whether it was always genuine he wasn’t sure but she always managed to paint on her best game face around him. It was what kept him strong on the hardest days. He absorbed her optimism and strength like a sponge.

“Here you go.”

“Thanks,” Sidney replied, taking the bottle of water from her. “Loren, I just wanted to apolo—”

“Don’t. It wasn’t your fault, Sid. Things like that just happen sometimes.”

“I know, but it shouldn’t have. You didn’t do anything.”

She shrugged. “C’est la vie.”

“You’re just going to let them fire you?”

“What else am I supposed to do? Beg for my job back? I’m not doing that.”

“Then I’ll hire you. Whatever they were paying you I’ll match it.”

Loren laughed quietly. “I appreciate the offer, Sidney, but don’t be stupid. You’ll be fine. Just do whatever you were doing before they hired me.”

“No,” he objected, “I won’t be fine. I don’t think you have any idea what you did for me, Loren.”

She didn’t say anything for a while, just let the pair of them marinate in an uncomfortable silence. There was so much more that Sidney wanted to say, so much he needed to confess to, but the silence was too much. Loren had things of her own to confess to — things that would shift the atmosphere in ways she didn’t want it to shift.

“I got offered another job,” she finally said. “I’m going to take it.”

“W-what?”

“The starting pay’s the same. I’ll have to relocate but—”

“Is it with another team?” Sidney asked. His voice shrank to a whisper, almost like he’d morphed into a dog with its tail between its legs. Now he was terrified.

“Yes.”

“Please don’t tell me who.”

“Sid, don’t be upset—”

He ran a hand through his hair, tempted to rip every strand of it out, and sprung off the couch. “How can I not be upset, Loren? I’m offering you equal pay. I’m all but begging and you’re like the fucking Berlin Wall. You won’t even give me a chance!”

“It’s not like that.”

“Then what’s it like? If it’s not me then what, Loren? Is it Kris? Jordan?”

“Stop it,” Loren commanded. She rose to join him in standing. “Don’t treat me like I’m nothing more than locker room gossip. I’m tired, Sid. I’m tired of dealing with egos and liars and nosy fucking journalists who have nothing better to do than ruin lives. This job — the new one…it’s quiet. After all of this it’s exactly what I need.”

“No,” Sidney shook his head. “You can’t just leave, Loren. I know we had a really shitty relationship for a while but it’s better now, isn’t it? We can get along?”

“Yes, but—”

“But nothing. Stop making excuses! If you want to take the job then take it, but don’t think I’m just going to let you leave without a fight. I fought for you with Mario and I’m fighting for you with you.”

Loren offered a weak smile. “You never did give up easily.”

“I’ve fought you every step of the way,” he said, moving toward her to grasp her shoulders. Loren was always amazed at how large his hands were. It was like he was built perfectly for hockey. “Let me fix it now.”

“I wish I could, Sidney, but I can’t. I already called and said I’m taking the job.”

“Call them back.”

“Sid—”

“I’ll call them.”

“Don’t do this.”

“Don’t leave me, Loren. Please.”

Tears welled behind her eyes — an act that didn’t go unnoticed by the man standing in front of her. Sidney had never seen her cry. He didn’t want to start now, but when in Rome…

“Just leave.”

“What? Loren—”

“You’re making this so much harder than it should be! You hated me for nine months, Sidney. Now, all of a sudden you want to be my knight in shining armor? It doesn’t work that way.”

“You don’t get it, do you?”

“I asked you to leave.”

“I’m not leaving until I tell you everything I need to say. If I walk out that door this may be the last time I ever see you and I’m not taking that chance.”

Loren rolled her eyes. “Don’t be dramatic.”

“What, you think phone calls and I’ll see you the next time you’re in town! are really going to make a difference when I’ve seen you almost every single day for the last ten months?”

“Better than nothing.”

“For a college graduate you are really stupid, Loren.”

“Oh, thanks.”

Sidney weighed his options for a brief second before he pulled the proverbial trigger. He grabbed Loren’s face and kissed her for everything he was worth. But he did more than pull the trigger — he all but opened the floodgates. Nearly a year’s worth of pent up anger, lust, and anticipation went off like a bomb inside the two of them.

After that there was no turning back. Neither Sidney nor Loren could control themselves and had no intention of slowing down. This was what they both needed. Sidney was aggravated — really, really aggravated. No one was listening to him. Loren was still going to take a new job and Mario still wouldn’t reemploy her. He’d needed an escape for a long time and he was finally getting it. Loren knew it was a bad idea. She wasn’t Rhea: she couldn’t disassociate emotions from sex. In a short time she’d be leaving Pittsburgh…and Sidney. And she wasn’t sure she’d be able to if they crossed the line and took the next step.

However, Loren had nothing to lose. If everything went downhill she’d be leaving anyway. She’d never have to see Sidney Crosby again if she didn’t want to. Sure, people would ask questions, maybe even assume the rumor was true, but seeing him had always torn at her seams. Deep down she knew she needed this just as badly as he did.

And that’s what stopped her.

“I can’t.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

“I-I think you should leave,” she fumbled.

“Loren, please—”

“I’m serious, Sidney.”

“Fine,” he caved, “but at least you know now. That was ten months of waiting, knowing I couldn’t do anything.”

The tears returned as soon as Sidney stepped away from her. They both knew this was the last time they’d be seeing one another — maybe for a few months, maybe forever. It hurt. It tore Sid apart from the inside out and it did the same to Loren. But they each knew it’d never work. It couldn’t. Loren was public knowledge now. Dating her, at least publicly, would cause a shit storm neither were prepared to endure, and he didn’t have it in him to keep her a secret. She was an amazing woman; she deserved better.

Just as he reached for the doorknob, she spoke, “Good luck, Sid.”

He didn’t say anything, just walked through the door he’d come in through not an hour earlier and disappeared down the hallway. Loren contemplated going after him, begging him to forgive her for being so stupid, but she was frozen in place. She’d just said goodbye to the biggest part of her life for the last ten months. This was the end. The hardest part was over and she hadn’t even planned for it. Now there really was nothing left for her in Pittsburgh, just a dead-end city that only held bad memories.

In an ungraceful heap, she fell to the floor and cried.