Hold on Tight and Don't Look Back

“We’re gonna go look for somewhere to make the new HQ,” Fun Ghoul announced, an arm wrapped around Exterminator Baby.

“I’ll go,” Party and Cyanide said simultaneously. They both looked at each other while the rest of the group cracked smiles. The fire popped loudly as it died, the cool dawn air slowly rising in temperature.

It had been a tension-filled night among the group. No one really spoke besides Fun, Exterminator, and occasionally, Kobra. Everyone had been lost in their own thoughts. Party stood up and pulled Fun to the side. Exterminator flicked a glance to her purple-haired friend before sitting with her legs crossed in the dirt.

When Party came back, Fun dropped down into the dirt next to Exterminator. He glared darkly at Cyanide who stood up and dusted off her shorts before leaping gracefully over the dwindling fire. She smirked at Fun and then winked as she stepped neatly to Party’s side.

“C’mon,” he said to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. “If we’re not back in five hours, we were ghosted,” he said to the group. The two slid into the Trans-Am and within seconds, their friends were out of sight.

Cyanide wasn’t sure if she’d ever been so quiet for so long. Of course, driving through the night in the desert with Exterminator were silent but this was different. The silence between her and Party was different. She ran her fingers through her hair, brushing out the tangles.

If she was being honest, she really just didn’t know what to say. Exterminator had it easy; she was a good listener and a good advice giver. Cyanide, on the other hand, was the one who ranted and needed advice. She bit her lip and sighed.

She was going to say something when Party flipped the radio on and searched through white noise. Eventually Cyanide took over and after a while she found a station playing an old punk song. They raised the volume and Party sped through the desert.

After an hour and without a word, he pulled the car into a secluded area and turned it off. He was out of the car and walking before Cyanide even comprehended what was going on. Party was obviously distressed as he kicked dirt around and pulled his fingers through his hair.

Cyanide walked to him quietly and when he was done thrashing around, she stood next to him. If nothing else, she could be a shoulder to cry on.

“Tell me about Jet,” she said quietly. Party hadn’t spoken to her for a long time. She knew he was angry, but at whom she wasn’t sure. Cyanide wasn’t going to blame Jet Star for keeping his kid a secret, it was probably the smartest thing he could do in this world.

Party glanced at the girl and ran a hand through his hair. He looked slightly agitated. “He was so different, just kind and hopeful. He was really just the soul of our operation. You would love him.”

“I can’t wait to meet him,” she said, reaching out and giving his hand a squeeze. He laced their fingers together and smiled at her. “We’re going to get him back you know?”

“I know we are Cy, I just,” he trailed off and sighed, “I can’t believe Dr. D, it wasn’t necessary for him to run. He should have told us.”

“We all make mistakes. You can’t blame him.”

His hand was ripped from hers immediately. His fury was evident. “Oh really, Cyanide? You think this is some fucking game because you’re still just a kid. You don’t know the first thing about being a Killjoy. It’s different for me. This is my life. This is something I helped create!”

“Oh poor fucking you Party!” Cyanide yelled back, “Let’s all sit around and praise you, thank god you fucking exist because we’d all be so hopelessly lost without you! Newsflash asshole, I’m not just some kid running around the desert with a ray gun and I think I’ve already proven myself.”

“You’re a bitch.”

“Are you only just realizing this? I’m a bitch because I have to be; because out here I could be killed for a second’s mercy. If you think I don’t understand anything about being a Killjoy you’re sorely mistaken.”

Party stepped closer to her and the heat between them rivaled the sun’s toxic rays. She glared up the last few inches at him, waiting for him to give her a reason to strike. “Then why are you a Killjoy Cyanide? Why do you do it?”

“That is a story you have to earn Party Poison, because I don’t know you and I sure as hell don’t fucking trust you,” she spat, flicking down her mask and turning on her heel. If there was one thing she didn’t need, it was for any fight to get physical.

She wasn’t sure how long she could punch him before she kissed him.

It was obvious that he had stopped to consider the area. There were huge hills and even smaller sand dunes around a small patch that had to be woods at one time. After BL/Ind got to it, only barren tree stumps were left.

If they built a shelter though, it would be an ideal place to stay. It would be small and cramped and never would it be as good as their old place was but, it would have to do. They could swing back to Battery Diamond’s and pick up some scraps of wood and anything else they might need.

“We could build a pretty decent hideout,” Party said, clearing his throat as he stepped up next to her. Cyanide couldn’t help but feel like he was apologetic in his tone. She sighed and stood on a charred log to survey the area.

“Nowhere for the cars really, they would be out in the open,” she said, squinting at the surrounding area. They were pretty far from the road, the hills obscured it completely from view.

“I think there are some boulders around this hill over here,” he said, “We’ll probably have to end up staying here so we should check it out and make sure there are no cameras or Dracs.”

They split up, searching the various hillsides for traps, Dracs, and surveillance. When they met back at the car, they decided this would have to be the place. Sitting on the hood of the hot car, they shared some water and a cigarette.

“I like how close it is to Battery Diamond, if I’m being honest. Dr. D might wanna stay with him anyway, they’re old friends and I don’t want him tagging along with us. Besides, we might need last minute supplies. I don’t have any more plugs though…” Party trailed off.

Cyanide was silent. She was thinking. Cyanide liked to think. She liked when her mind hurt her because she needed a solution to a problem quickly. Her thoughts this time, however, were different. She knew the solution but she didn’t want to use it.

“Cy, are you listening?”

“I want to tell you.”

He was silent in a second, rapt with attention. He knew that when someone wanted to tell you their story it was an obvious sign of trust. He knew that him and Cyanide were very alike and that trust wasn’t something earned quickly.

“I know I just said that I didn’t want to tell you,” she said, dropping her head in her hands and laughing bitterly, “But I want you to know. Maybe I just want someone to know, I just, I need to tell someone.”

When he remained silent, she took her chance to speak.

“Before I left to join the Killjoy cause, I lived with my mother, sister, and brother in Battery City. Before that, I lived in Zone 1 with them and my father. He was driving to work in a fucking business suit one day. Dracs shot out his tire. He stayed in the car, figuring they would continue on. But they didn’t.

“They shot him. My father was ghosted by some Dracs. We had nothing to bury. There was some standard apology letter signed by Korse that came in the mail but that was it. No retribution, no nothing. My mom takes the pills. I think she just doesn’t have a motive to live anymore.

“When they started giving me mine, I would just hide them. There was this little box that I’d keep them in, stored in my pillowcase. One day, it got to be too much. The injustice and the rage built up inside me and I found myself raging around Battery City. A bunch of underground Killjoys found me, took me in, told me things, the truth is what they told me, and they helped me get out.

“Exterminator, she was always my weakness. I had to say goodbye and she decided to come with me. Don’t think for a second that I left my family to run around playing dress up out in the zones. I fight Korse because I know how it feels to lose someone too. I know what grieving is and I don’t want people to have to deal with it before the time is right.”

They were both silent for a long while. Cyanide was surprised at herself for being strong enough to tell her story without tears. Party hesitantly wrapped an arm around her and she found herself leaning her head on his shoulder.

“Kobra and I left a lot of our family behind. Fun lost a lot of his. We always thought Jet lost all of his but…I dunno Cyanide, I’m sorry I said those things. We all make huge sacrifices and sometimes they’re a choice and sometimes they’re not.”

Cyanide mulled over his words before knitting her eyebrows together. His wording seemed a little weird. She lifted her head slightly before settling back into his shoulder. “Wait, you said that you and Kobra left your family behind, not families.”

“Generally because Kobra and I have the same family. We’re brothers, you didn’t know?” he clarified.

She laughed. She laughed for ages because it was impossible for two such unlike beings to be related so closely. Then he laughed too. Then they both laughed because it was absolutely ridiculous that a group of people living together for weeks knew such little information about each other.

In the car on the way back, they shared useless information; the address they grew up at, their home telephone number, their second grade teacher’s name. And when they got back to the group Cyanide screamed that Kobra and Party were brothers and they all laughed some more.

They spent the day sitting in a circle, passing around almonds that Dr. D had found, sharing utterly useless information. Cyanide shared her favorite color, purple (“As if that’s a surprise!” Fun Ghoul barked out) and Party shared his, red (“I never would have guessed,” Exterminator Baby mocked sarcastically).

They were reduced to tears in laughter and solemn hugs in sorrow. They were more than just a group of people in that moment. They were friends. They were human beings, alive and well. They were compassionate and loving and breathing. They were Killjoys.

And that was something that no one, not even Korse, could ever take from them.