My Hayley

I was a moron to believe her. She wanted Zack, not me, and anyone with half a brain could have seen that. Kissing her was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.

There had to be a way to take it all back, and we could go back to awkward hellos in the hallways and quiet lab work. From now on, I won’t smile at her, or talk to her, or even acknowledge her existence. I’m done with her completely.

Everything I do reminds me of her.

On Monday I walked into school, empty, without a purpose now that things with Hayley had gone completely wrong. There was no chance for us to be friends, let alone lovers. I saw her standing at her locker, and she smiled apologetically. It made my insides crawl. I flipped her off and kept on walking, broken and hollow.

‘It will pass eventually,’ I told myself half-heartedly. ‘You’ll move on eventually.’

The day dragged on for what seemed like weeks. By the time I got to math, I was so relieved. And then the armor I was slowly building up came crashing down around me. This crazy redhead was tapping on the window, motioning for me to leave. I tried to ignore her but I couldn’t, she looked so cute in her desperation. Begrudgingly, I got up and asked to use the bathroom.

“What do you want?” I hissed. My voice sounded harsh, even to me. If she was going to bring out the cynical bitch in me, she would have to deal with it.

And yet…. She looked so tiny and afraid, as we stood in the empty classroom.

“I know you saw… me and Zack….”

No shit, Sherlock. “Yeah, I know. And?”

“And…. I’m sorry.”

“So? It’s not like I’m your girlfriend. I’m just some chick you wanted to try out for a while. Now you’re done, am I right?” I suppressed the tears gathering behind my aching eyes. She looked genuinely hurt by my words, and I was glad. It tore me apart.

“N-no, it’s not l-like that….” She cleared her throat. “I’m just scared okay? You know what it’s like, don’t you? To worry about what people would say if-”

“Actually, no I wouldn’t. I don’t care about people.” By this point I was aggravated and tired of everyone. I wanted to be left alone. “I don’t care about anyone. Especially you, okay? If you think I need you, you’re mistaken. Don’t waste your precious pity on me.”

I left her there, tears streaming down her gorgeous face, broken and alone. She was the girl I needed. I cared for her so much, yet I lied into her eyes.

When I ran back into the classroom, she was gone. My heart cracked. I walked to her class and peeked in the window. I searched urgently for a vibrant redhead, but found none.

I go back to math and ask for a pass to the nurse. I think I’m going to be sick.

Pass in hand, I ran out the school doors, across the street, and to a grayish looking playground with an unmistakable spark of red. “Hayley! Hayley, wait! I didn’t mean it!” She hears me and stares, but refuses to move an inch. Her tiny frame is squished between a metal bar and an entrance to the magnificent slide watching over the swings. My stubby legs finally get me there and I look at her, this beautiful empty girl. “I’m so sorry…. Nothing I said to you was true.”

Her glazed eyes meet mine. “Now we’re both hurt. It’s my own fault.”

“No,” I whisper as I move closer, “no time for blaming…. Look, I’ll heal you if… if you heal me?”

After what seemed like ages, she turned to me and fell into my arms, sobbing out apologies that were no longer necessary. I held her, and she held me. Two broken hearts healing on the metal grid above a sandbox, true signs of youth, lost and somehow happy to be lost.