Better Than Revenge

Valerie's POV:

I was losing my mind.

I couldn't sit still for my life, and I couldn't stop tossing and turning like a sack of potatoes. My head was throbbing from all of the thoughts overwhelming it, and I was starting to question what was happening to my life. I had literally started remembering things only hours ago, and I wasn't caught up with it yet.

What was really bugging me was the whole Jacob thing. I still had that little bell in the back corner of my mind that rang and Seth's name would echo through me. I wasn't even sure where our relationship was, let alone if we were still together. I hated the possibility that we weren't. But did I kiss Jacob for real, or did I kiss him to get back at Seth? Did I want to hurt him? Did I want him to feel the same way I did when he became a little too close to his best friend?

I think I did.

It wasn't like me, to get revenge. I would never want to use someone intentionally. This girl brought out the bad in me, but it wasn't necessarily a bad thing. It was like Leah said, I needed to fight for him. Elena told me her plan to get Seth on her side again, and I could do the same thing. I knew how to get him back. I knew more than she did.

But what about Jacob?

I couldn't just shut him down, not after what he'd been through. I did like him, and I didn't mind being with him. It was nice, but nothing compared to...

I couldn't think about that now.

But it made me sick. I could not go on pretending I liked him just to make Seth jealous. It was so wrong. Right?

And what the hell is inside of Bella? No one was doing anything to help her, but they couldn't do much. It was her baby, it's not like they can just kill it.

"Valerie," Mom interrupted my internal conflict.

I made a noise in my throat to answer her.

"You have company."

I immediately turned to find my company standing next to Mom with a predictable smile on his face.

"I'm sorry, I should have called first..."

"It's fine." I said quietly, eyeing my mom.

She got the hint, disappearing down the hall.

I played with one of my stuffed animals and waited for Seth to do something. He just stood in the doorway like a lost puppy.

"You can sit down, if you want." I told him, never looking up from my stuffed monkey.

He took slow steps to the edge of my bed and sat down on the corner. I kind of expected him to come after our run-in before, but I was still surprised he actually showed up.

I didn't want to sound mean. "So you found time in you busy newborn schedule to stop by, huh?"

I must have been mean based on his reaction. "You don't answer your phone anymore, so I never know where you are."

I realized what I needed to do, but I didn't know if I could do it. "Jake and I have been busy lately."

His eyes subtly winced at my words. "I've heard."

"You have?" I tried not to sound as surprised as I was.

"Elena told me. She can read people when they lie. Just like a book. It's her power."

I wasn't prepared for that. "What are you saying, I'm lying?"

"You're hiding something."

This was our second arguement, but it was way different from our first. We were actually mad at eachother.

"Is that why you're here? To pluck me of my lies and secrets like a chicken?"

"I want to know why you're hiding from me. You don't have to lie to me, Valerie."

"Actually, I kind of do because I never know when you're going to blow me off for other commitments. I need someone who will be there when I need him."

"And you think Jacob fits that requirement? He's only worried about himself and Bella, that's it."

"Well it's not like you can talk! You didn't even help me try and get my memory back because you spent your time with her!"

"She's my best friend-"

"But I'm your imprint!"

The silence was so thick, it started to build a wall between us. 

"Aren't I?" I whispered.

His lips stayed shut.

"Seth."

No response.

I stared at my feet in shock. It was shock that shut my body down. I couldn't move.

"I want to be honest with you." He murmured, keeping his head down. "Right now, I have two different feelings and I really don't know which one is right. It's awful, but I don't know what to do. I need you to trust me until I get it straight. I don't want to lose you."

I was still in shock, so I didn't have a filter. "Yeah, well it's too late for that." I threw my monkey on the bed and slipped off of it.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to see Jacob."

We stared at eachother for a while, as if we were asking if this was really happening. Regardless of that pit in my stomach, I wanted to drop everything and jump in his arms. But I couldn't. I wondered whether I would be able to pull this off.

"So what?" Seth asked finally, in a very tiny voice. "Are we done?"

He was hurt, and it was what I originally wanted. But now I was hurt too. "Yes."

Seth almost accepted it. "Val, don't do this."

I had to remind myself that he needed to hurt so I could get him back and away from her. "You told both of us the same thing, and we both believed you. You screwed up, so let me know when you figure it out. But until then, I don't want to see you anymore."

It was harsh, and I couldn't get away from him fast enough. I grabbed the doorknob, but his hand forced it shut again.

I nearly lost it. "Seth, I can't-"

"You don't mean that." He said firmly. "I know you don't."

I turned the knob again, but I wasn't strong enough to open it. I banged on the door in frustration. "I'm freaking out and you aren't helping at all so can you please just - just -"

His head lowered to be closer to mine. "Just what?"

I resisted the urge to stand on my tippy toes and kiss him, but just barely. 

"Val, I hate this." He breathed on my face. "I need you."

I could take him back. I could kiss him and everything could go back to the way it was.

"I can't be with you if you don't know how you feel about me. It won't be the same."

"I know how I feel about you." He promised.

"But you're not certain. You aren't sure that it's me, you said so yourself."

He started to become annoyed. "That doesn't mean I don't love you."

I gently pushed his chest back a little. "Seth, if you loved me, we wouldn't be talking about this right now."

He sighed heavily, defeated.

"I'm going to leave now." I whispered.

Seth took a step backwards, dropping his hand slowly. Then he watched me and pleaded with his eyes one more time.

"It will be the best for both of us." I assured him, even though I wasn't so sure myself. "You'll see."

He simply shrugged. "Okay then." Seth headed straight for the door and threw it open, closing it a bit harshly behind him.

What did I just do?