Feel The Heartbeat In My Mind.

I don’t know where I went wrong with Brian. I did everything for the Brian within the last five and a half years. I loved him, it was obvious. I remember the first time we met at a photo shoot here in California. We just clicked, it felt amazing when we started dating, but that’s when the downfall of us happened.

Every year in the month of April he had some sort of breakdown. Alcohol, drugs, or picking up prostitutes at the bar were his main highlights. I was faithful, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t oblivious to the ridiculous things he did. I was faithful, yes, and no matter how many times my friend Ciara would tell me I’m wasting my time on Brian and how much better I could do without him, I never broke up with him. The delayed engagement he used to hint at, having kids, it never happened because with every year that passed, the more out of love he fell and the more depressed he became. But I still had hope. I think.

I sighed loudly at the front door to our house, a bag of groceries in my left arm and another two crappy brown paper bags with the same contents at my feet. I jammed the key into the lock and twisted it quickly before snapping the door open with a grim expression. I fought with the lock trying to retrieve my key, I felt eyes on me and as I looked up I met Brian’s chocolate brown eyes staring at me with a cold expression. I scowled and finally yanked the key from the door and dangling the two remaining bags in my arms before hitting the door shut. He didn’t offer to help.

“When are you going to fix that damn lock?” I grumbled and walked into the kitchen without hearing a reply. I threw the bags across the marble island and sorted everything into the cupboard where it belonged, fridge or freezer. I shook my head and folded up the bags before dropping them into the bin and I leaned against the counter, the window behind me was open and a warm breeze hit the back of my exposed neck. I bit my lip and stared at the black and white tiling on the floor.

I don’t know what to do, I thought and pushed my hand meekly through my hair. I had small voices in my head either telling me to pack and leave or resolve the issue with Brian but I couldn’t trust either. I wanted my life to be happy again, the small hints he would give and the way he would hold me at night or in the mornings. How we made love and how he smiled, laughed, cracked jokes and played guitar to me. He’s just not the same Brian Haner I knew, he seems like a shell. He’ll come back.

I never knew the full extent of what happened that hit him like a train this hard every April. He just told me that someone he cared for had passed away and that he loved them very much. I was never told a name, how they died or anything like that. I just know that he was involved in an “accident” that ended Jane-Doe’s life.

My track of thought was broken when a woman’s loud moan echoed from the living room and my face drooped into a frown. I pushed myself away from the counter as my feet brought me to the living room, I added a sway to my hips and a stomp to my footing. I glared at the television when the porn channel was showing and Brian sat there, sipping from a Guinness staring at the television with no expression on his face.

“Must you watch that?” I snapped with a sigh and plucked the remote harshly from his calloused hand while I gave a small disapproving look at him. He didn’t say anything, but his eyes met mine and I threw the remote onto the closest armchair before sitting next to him with a sigh. I ran my fingers through my hair tugging at it, wiping my hands over my face.

I wanted to know what was going on in Brian’s mind as he stared at me in distress. His eyes were hollow as were his cheeks. He scanned over my body and I shifted my view to stare at the carpet. A distance of tension built up between us and I didn’t exactly know how to go about my words, “It’s April - the month, I know,” I sighed and tried to reach eye contact with him, “Just get over it quickly, alright?” my voice was slightly hoarse and my eyes felt sore with pent-up tears.

Brian nodded and I sat up straighter to get a better look at him. He looked tired and defeated, he hardly said anything to me nowadays and I was scared that he was going to crumble and our relationship would be over.

He never told me he loved me anymore. It’s been three years since. And from that I was scared that he didn’t love me after all, it also stopped me from saying it to him in case I set off a trigger inside him. I feared for everything.

He leaned in slowly, I shot down my eyes and stared at his thin pink lips, and when they connected with my plump ones I leaned in more to show him how much I loved him instead of words. And then just like that, he pulled away, stood up and grabbed his Guinness and left the room. His feet padded up the stairs and I leaned forward onto my knees and pushed my face into my hands and started to sob.

I didn’t want to live like this anymore, I didn’t want to become another tag-along woman to his needs. I wanted to be loved, I needed to be loved. Just like I loved him.