The Tangles of My Heart

I swear, she was dressed up just to fuck with my mind. If I thought she was pretty, tonight she was hot. It wasn’t fair. I wonder if she was as sexually frustrated with me as I was with her. “Where are we going?” Taylor asked as she buckled up.

“Someplace I think you’ll like, unless everything you ever said during our entire relationship was a lie.”

“Stop it,” Taylor mumbled, slumping slightly in her seat.

I did as she said, but only because I didn’t want to open up Pandora’s box just yet. I turned on the stereo, playing some old school Yellowcard. I knew Taylor loved that shit, even if she wouldn’t admit it right now. I heard her humming along to Ocean Avenue a few minutes later, which made me smile. She was still mad at me. And it was fucking adorable.

At a stoplight, I checked my phone, which had been vibrating all night. It was Holly, sending me worried texts. She was asking when I was coming back from dropping off Anna, but I just replied that I was going out for a few drinks and that she shouldn’t wait up for me. She replied back pretty quickly, telling me to take care of myself and that she would try to wait up for me anyways. Holly was too much.

“The light’s green,” Taylor sighed impatiently. I put my phone back down and drove some more. We were almost there. “What is this place?” Taylor asked as we approached this town center type area.

“We gotta walk from here, Tay,” I informed her as I pulled up to the valet. He opened the door for Tay before I could, but she did take me hand when I offered it to help her out of the car. I don’t think she meant to, because she looked at me, then our hands, and let go again as soon as she was on her own two feet. Silly Taylor.

“Walk slower…I can’t keep up with you in my heels,” Taylor huffed, struggling to walk on the cobblestone walkway to the restaurant.

I offered her my arm again, which she took this time. “Have you ever been here?” I asked as I opened the door to Nava for her. Thankfully Taylor shook her head. I hope she wasn’t just saying that to make me feel better. I’d made reservations, so I just gave the hostess my name and she led me to our table – off in a little room disconnected from the main area of the restaurant which was usually used for large parties but was completely ours tonight, just as I asked. I figured Taylor would have an easier time talking to me about the things I wanted to talk about if she felt like we were alone.

“Southwestern…I like,” Taylor said with approval in her voice as she perused the menu.

“I thought you would,” I said softly with a smile before looking at my menu, too. “What do you want to order?”

“I don’t know…wait, to drink to eat or what?”

“Yeah, both,” I told Taylor as the waiter came over. I didn’t appreciate the way he was eye fucking Taylor, though, so after he gave us water and explained the specials for tonight, I told him we needed more time to look at the menu.

“All the tacos look amazing…and the steak special he mentioned sounded pretty tasty, too,” said Taylor as she nibbled on Nava’s signature appetizer – blue corn bread. “Why have I never been here before? Mmm. I’ve got to come here again.”

I smiled and leaned back just to take it all in – the way she looked tonight, I mean. I’m pretty sure she was all dolled up just to spite me, but damn, it fucking worked. After buttering another piece of cornbread, I motioned that we were ready to order. The waiter came over, pen and paper in hand. “What can I get for you to drink?”

“A Margarita on the rocks for her, please,” I told him, ignoring the looks Taylor was giving me. “I’ll just have water… and we’re ready to order, actually… One of every taco and the steak special with the tortilla soup. I’d like the steak cooked medium rare.” The waiter nodded and went off to the kitchen. “…What?” I asked with a laugh when Taylor simply stared at me, her menu flopping to the table.

“…You didn’t get a drink.”

“Of course not. I’m driving.” Taylor arched an eyebrow at me. I could hear her now. Not drinking? How uncharacteristic of you, Jack. “Did you want something else to drink? It’s just, they didn’t have long island iced tea since, you know, they’re Southwestern cuisine and whatnot…”

“…You ordered a lot of food.”

“I’m hungry, and you said everything looked good.”

Taylor sighed and finished off her cornbread. “Alright…I guess there’s no stalling with you. What do you want to know? Ask away,” she said in resignation.

I instantly straightened in my seat and opened my mouth to speak, but thought better of it. “I think I’ll leave the heavy stuff for later. I’d hate to spoil your appetite.” Taylor looked so relieved when I said that, it was comical. “So, you need to think of something else to talk about.”

The waiter brought her Margarita over and she licked some salt off the rim of her glass. I swear she was just teasing me, the way her tongue slid slowly up the glass and…just, fuck my life. “How are you and your girlfriend?”

Wow, she sure killed the mood. “Can you not,” I sighed, rubbing my temples. But I ended up ranting to Taylor about Holly anyways. “You know what our couple name is? Do you? Our couple name is Jolly. For Jack and Holly. Jolly? Ewww.” Taylor giggled at that, but tried to constrain herself. “She’s great and all, but… I feel like the age difference is too much. It’s weird. I mean, I feel like she’s older than me, but more immature than me… I know she’s not a cougar, but sometimes she acts like a mom, and that’s not the kind of girlfriend I want…”

“No one’s more immature than you, Jack,” Taylor assured me, licking the slice of lime in her drink…in a rather seductive manner. Damn her.

“Ha fucking ha, Taylor.” We had a bit of an angry staring contest after that, but thankfully the waiter broke it by bringing over some of the tacos.

“Fancy,” Taylor remarked when I pushed a taco plate towards her. “You wanna split it?”

“Taylor, my stomach is a black hole. Eat what you want and I’ll eat the rest.”

These were no ordinary tacos. They were, like, gourmet and fancy – lamb taco, calamari taco, alligator meat taco… Thank god we talked about the freaking weather and how good the food was, otherwise dinner would have been hella awkward. More awkward than it already was. We were sitting next to each other and staring about the room or on our phones at first, but I’m glad that changed. Taylor asked about my sunburn and stuff and how us guys were liking Hawaii so far. I asked her how her carpal tunnel was and how her family was doing.

She loved her siblings, that much was obvious. She loved her job, too, despite how stressful it was. I told her about random things we would do every day. Dinner went by nicely. She managed to be civil for most of the night. The food was great. All the tacos were so good and the steak was cooked to perfection. Our problems came with dessert. Taylor had such a sweet tooth, so we just ended up ordering one of everything again.

“You’re making me fat,” Taylor whined jokingly, eating some of Nava’s signature dessert – the banana enchilada. “Oh my god. It tastes like heaven.”

I smiled at her before digging into the sorbets. “So…it’s about that time.”

Taylor exhaled slowly and leaned back, licking another spot of salt off her Margarita glass. “Ask.”

“Did you sleep with Warren? Alex said you didn’t. Alex said you lied to me.”

Taylor’s good mood had completely vanished. “Well. No to the first. Yes to the second and third.”

"Why'd you do it, Tay?" I asked, feeling my mouth go dry. I'd spent a year hating her guts to find out that my hate was ungrounded right now. I was still mad, anyways. All this time...we could have been together. But, no, she had to fucking lie to me.

"…I didn't want to tie you down. I had to go to school in Indiana. You don't exactly live a stable lifestyle, Jack. You go on tour all the time and whatnot. That's your job. That's what you love."

"But I loved you more," I told her fiercely, which obviously shocked her. It shocked me, too. I wanted to tell her under... under more favorable circumstances. Taylor stared at me blankly for a few minutes, so I sighed and closed my eyes, rubbing my temples. My skin was still tender from the sunburn. I ordered some coffee to fill the awkward silence.

“Why did you have to lie to me, Taylor? Why did you feel like you couldn’t talk to me? That you had to pretend to cheat on me? That you had to break my fucking heart?” I demanded, watching Taylor wince with every word I said.

“I thought…Nevermind, it’s stupid.”

When the waiter came back with my coffee, I thanked him and began to stir in the creamer and sugar. Then I took her flashdrive out and dangled it over the mug. “What were you about to say, Taylor?”

Her eyes widened in panic. "You wouldn't." I lowered the flashdrive more and more, steam collecting on it. "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Jack, please!"

"Tell me what you were going to say!" I fucking hate when girls do that shit! Mumble something and then don't tell you what the fuck they said!

"...I-I thought you just liked me a lot," Taylor admitted sheepishly. “I kind of thought I was just a summer fling. An easy girl. A chance for you to get some action while stuck in Indiana for May’s wedding.”

I face-palmed. I couldn’t believe Taylor would think so lowly of herself, and of me. "What? Of course I loved you, how could you think otherwise? I even told Alex that I love you! And trust me, Taylor, you are the farthest thing from easy. Did you think I’d work so hard, change myself so much, if I wasn’t in love you?"

Taylor self consciously examined her hair for split ends – anything to avoid eye contact with me. "Well…you should've told me that..."

I about slapped her for that comment, but I restrained myself. "You know what I was going to do the day I found you in bed with Warren? I was going to tell you I love you. I was going to, Taylor, but I had to walk in on...on that." Taylor's eyes were watering, but her face was expressionless. She was trying really hard not to let her tears fall, because once she started to cry, she cried really really really hard. "Did you do that just to hurt me?"

"I did it so you would leave without regretting it, and so that May wouldn't want to marry him anymore. Warren's a priest now, Jack."

…That was a bit of comic relief. "A priest? You're kidding."

"No," Taylor laughed breathlessly, blinking back the tears successfully... for now. "He's in Rome right now for some seminar or program or whatever...He'll be ordained there soon..." I reluctantly slipped the flashdrive back under my shirt, loosening my tie in the process. "Aren't you angry with me? Be mad and stuff, Jack. Your silence is scarier than anything else," Taylor sighed softly after a few tense minutes passed.

I glanced up at her from my mug of coffee before taking a sip. "I don't know how to feel about you now," I told her, reaching up to play with a curl of her hair. "I mean, I think I know how I should feel. I shouldn't feel anything for you at all. Not while I'm dating Holly." Taylor's hands clenched into fists at the mention of Holly, which made me smile. Jealous Taylor was kind of hot. "But I do. Damn it to hell, I do. Taylor, I still love you," I admitted, my voice actually cracking.

Taylor hesitantly scooted closer to me, and when I made no move to turn away, she hugged me. I slumped into her, feeling emotionally exhausted for once in my life. It was such a strange feeling, but it was as if the light, familiar scent of Taylor’s perfume made everything hurt less. Though what set my world right again was when Taylor whispered into my ear, “I love you, too.”